We here at the Monster Mash Loser's League are proud to present to you our greatest achievement yet, a six-way tussle between fallen beasts. These entrants to the Monster Mash tournament all have one win and one loss to their name. Now, they face each other in a desperate bid to break back into the winner's bracket and take on the final lucky few already there - Sharktopus, The Kraken, and Mansquito.
This rumble is a winner-take-all slugfest between everything we could scrounge together. You'll meet all kinds here, and every one of them is primed and ready to beat down the other five for a chance to win.
Let's meet them.
CONTESTANT 1
There wasn't much left of Estafador after that fight with Primus Pilus. We took the lone shark head that remained and got to work the best we could, though.
We eventually came out of the lab with... Shark Tank. And we are questioning our life choices.
Shark Tank is, simply put, the head of Mega Shark wired onto a Panzer VIII Maus tank. The resulting "creature" is a living tank with a giant shark head on top. The Maus weighs in at 207 tons (414,000 pounds) and is over 33 feet long, with seemingly impenetrable armor. The head would be the weak point... if it wasn't safely enclosed in a dense layer of bulletproof plastic. Unfortunately, the plastic tends to fog up, and Estafador was never the brightest anyway, so this tank tends to not have the best accuracy. It's also extremely slow and the complete opposite of agile. Still, Shark Tank has firepower and armor to spare, and could win this war with sheer attrition.
CONTESTANT 2
Iron Maiden was retired after being nearly totaled in its' fight with Chupacabrain. Private Spinneret, that little trooper, has been promoted to Sergeant and given a new ride in the form of Lavalantula!
Yes, Lavalantula. A spider the size of a small truck that is mind-bogglingly immune to fire and magma, something that usually is pretty good at killing spiders. It's even capable of spraying the stuff from its' mouth, in addition to all the usual things spiders do. As for the Sergeant, she's riding on top decked out in a heat-proof suit.
Lavalantula is smarter than Iron Maiden, but Spinneret is still the brains of the team - Lavalantula is not one for tactics or subtlety. It's unnervingly fast and sports a wicked weapon, but is comparatively frail and small compared to some of the other brutes in this rumble. In addition, the two spiders are fairly dependent on one another - Lavalantula alone is likely to make a fatally dumb mistake, and Spinneret alone is nearly helpless. Can this odd couple put their heads and sixteen legs together to win the day?
CONTESTANT 3
Piranha Commando toys are flying off the shelves, and everyone's demanding a sequel. What better way to make it happen than something darker and edgier? The Hazbrute boys have come forward with their newest million-dollar idea: 'RanhaCop.
The kinks have been worked out of Piranhaconda's design. He's now sporting a better helmet that covers more of his face, including his eyes (he's got a kickin' rad visor to see out of). Two removable shoulder-holstered machine guns are easily accessed by his short flippers. His armor now covers his entire body, leaving only his fins and lower jaw exposed, and the pickaxe tail has been exchanged for a buzzsaw.
He's tough, fast, and determined, but his weapons are of a slightly lower caliber than most of the other competitors. He's also now ground-bound, as the extra armor has made him too heavy for his jetpack to carry him. He is, however, still wearing it, and it can be used for a speed boost on the ground or an impromptu attack to ward off attackers from behind.
CONTESTANT 4
We're not reviving Mothman. We're not that stupid. Besides, Mansquito didn't leave anything behind - he made damn sure to completely erase that monster from this plane of existence.
But there's always an answer for monster-fighting companies. Without Mothman, we turn to the annals of cryptozoology for a backup plan, and we found a stand-in willing to bring the fight to the arena.
Please meet... The Jersey Devil.
This winged weirdo has harassed the people of New Jersey for centuries, and now it has emerged to try its' luck in our ring. What it lacks in size (it's about five feet tall) it makes up for in speed and ability. The Devil is by far the fastest thing in this arena, and it can take supernatural amounts of punishment due to its' demon form - far more than its' frail-looking body suggests. On top of that, it can fly, and we're confident it also has some kind of nasty demon powers, too.
All that said, it really is quite small compared to the rest of the field. The Jersey Devil is going to have to work for this one.
CONTESTANT 5
Gateroid is not happy.
Our Australian entry was so upset at losing to Sharktopus when he had the fight in the bag that he literally revived himself with how upset he was. Now completely unhinged, we have deemed the resulting raging tornado of a reptile Gatorage.
He lunges and stomps and bites and claws and never, ever stops - unless we tranq him, and even that takes enough shots to render an Ultrasaurus comatose. The rage has completely overtaken his mind, and any thoughts of anything besides killing everything in front of him left him long ago. He doesn't appear to feel pain any more, either, though he might if you hit him hard enough. His anger also makes him prone to making poor combat decisions, as he has absolutely no sense of self-preservation. Considering his sheer power and willingness to do anything to hurt someone, though, that may not be an issue after all.
CONTESTANT 6
We think poor ol' Raja, the Giant Python, has gotten a little too full of himself. He's back in the world of the living after his braining at the hands of the former Giant Octopus and current Kraken, plated in a flexible armor mail laced with gold and with a wicked crown atop his head. He has taken to calling himself Ananta Shesa, the Endless Snake, but we're quite certain he does in fact have an end and is his usual length of 69 terrifying feet.
Raja's new powers, if any, are a mystery, and more than anyone else he is the X-Factor in this match. The best we can get out of him are rumblings of the cult that still worships him, murmurs and half-heard whispers of "shedding skin to be born again" and "many heads, each tipped with a crown". Our guess is as good as yours.
THE ARENA
This battle is being held in an old junkyard in the Nevada desert. Our fighters will have to contend with scrapped cars, rusted appliances, and oodles of refuse. There's a lot of cover for the stealthier folks, but it's not the sturdiest. All six fighters will find unique advantages and disadvantages on this sprawling heap of waste.
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So you wanna vote? Sure you do! Pick out the three beasts from this lineup that tickle your fancy and put them in order - 1 for most favored to win, 2 for second, 3 for third. As is customary, every beast starts off with one vote to ensure they have a chance. Your votes will help tip the odds in favor of your favorites!
Voting closes on Tuesday, November 11! You've got all weekend and more to pick your winners. Let's see some votes!
1. Lavanchula. Are you fucking shitting me. This motherfucking beast will probably scare the everloving hell out of everybody and puke lava in their faces. What's more terrifying than a spider? A giant spider that can shoot out LAVA WEBS. Aracneaphobes, beware!
ReplyDelete2. Gatorage. He feels no pain. He feels no regret. He feels nothing but the fury of a thousand suns that are chasing after enemies faster than the Angry Sun chases Mario out of the desert. His blind rage will probably bite him in the ass, but not without tearing the other monsters a new one, for sure.
3. Jersey Devil. Dodgy little bastard with a ton of stamina. Might manage to slip away from the blows. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the manpower the other monsters are packin, but hey! I'm rootin for ya, ya little weirdo, you.
I'm a man who likes me some new ideas, and I've seen the Robocop schtick and Born-Again Brute schtick before. Can't quite remember where. All I remember is that those suckers went down and I'm not someone whose gonna get burned again putting his cash behind formulas that failed before! Move over piranha and snake, as far as I'm concerned, there's four fighters on the table! Plus, that snake is totally a godbeast in the making, and I believe we got one of them lurking around already!
ReplyDeleteSo here we go, my votes!
#3- JERSEY DEVIL
Look at that goofy ass goat face. That little guy looks like he'll be tons of fun, and its hard to underestimate the capabilities of someone who is called a Devil. And if you managed to make the people of New Jersey fear ya, when they already live on a Hell on Earth, you must be one mean mamma-jamma. Still, I'm not crazy. That thing will get squished underfoot when my other two votes have their climactic showdown!
#2-GATORAGE
Hard to pick between a shark tank and a crazy gator, but I won't reward a tank for its plan of "farting around and hoping no one really goes for me". Sure I expect that shark to fight, but if any of these other monsters decide to fight him he'll be torn to bits since he's just a head on a tank. It's like trying to smack a fly off your butt when all you got moving is your neck.
Anyway, crazy angry gator is gonna go cray-cray on these monsters. He's big and mean and while everyone is trying to think of how to kill him he's gonna be wrapping his jaws around their eggheads.
#1- LAVANTULA
Come on now, look at that thing. Giant lava spitting spider? No matter how tough your armor claims to be, lava is fucking HOT. If anything, that armor's gonna melt and burn your skin, more a liability than anything! Word on the street is guy makes massive webs, so all he needs to do is either trap people and barf lava on them while they're trapped or make a big ol web over everyone and just run around farting lava everywhere.
It's fucking LAVA folks. Plus, his little rider can do like, crazy sneaky stuff while the lava spider is keeping people busy. Like, stealth kills Rambo style.
Again: LAVA.
1. Gatorage - you can't feel fear if you can't feel anything but pure rage. He won't stop until he's dead, which will be pretty hard for anyone to achieve with his enhanced alligator powers.
ReplyDelete2. Lavantula - okay, it's a lava-spewing arachnid. That's pretty frackin' sweet. With all that *hee hee* FIREpower being given guidance and direction by the little dude, he will be tough to beat. Unless you're Gatorage, then RAAAAAAAAAAAAGE.
3. Shark Tank. Considering the arena, it will be a wonder if any of the other fighters will even be able to see him before he gets a shot off. Combine that with the strength and durability of German engineering (nevermind that it's a slow-as-sin failure of an assault vehicle) and the hunting prowess of a shark. My tank is indeed fight.
1. #ANANTA SHESA. Look, guys, I know you're all enamored with the big fire-breathing spider, but let's face uncomfortable facts here. The snake is 69 feet long, is covered in armor and obviously has some divine powers up his scales somewhere. If you think anything else here can hold a candle to that, you're sadly mistaken.
ReplyDelete2. #THE JERSEY DEVIL has to be the slipperiest customer here. Not only can he fly really fast, and is small enough to use that speed to it's best advantage, but who knows what other dark power lurks within that goofy horse head? Can't be any worse than the fucking Mothman, anyway - good thing Mansquito put that one down.
3. And now, to make myself a massive hypocrite, #LAVANTULA. Because once you get rid of the demon and the god-snake, the rest of the competition doesn't really compare, does it? A shark's head on a tank, a constantly angry alligator and a Robocop pastiche don't really match up to Private Spinneret, the only Ice Spider anyone feels good voting for. Lavantula has the biggest presence and heart here, if not the best weapons.
#GatorRage is incredibly pissed off. And, as we have learned from the media, nothing inspires fear like something that's just constantly goddamn angry all the time. He's constantly angry, doesn't think twice about murdering something, and is going to utterly destroy anything he gets his jaws on.
ReplyDelete#Shark Tank isn't gonna go anywhere because the Maus was a terrible weapon that tried to defy the square-cube law and failed. But one hit from that cannon is going to vaporize anything, so it's got to land a shot at some point. Plus the name is funny in a not-funny way and I like that.
#RhanaCop fucking owns. He's like the 80's personified. He's not terribly agile or strong or even good but I'm voting for him because he's probably going to have that tough no-nonsense attitude that will get him through this fight.
Voting is now closed!
ReplyDelete