Chatzy Madness Volume 88: Jumpropeman Makes Spy's Day

Lateberwulf: Did you know hippo sweat is pink?
Lateberwulf: Other animal protips: Cows produce 100 liters of saliva a day. Eels are dark because they tan too much. The lemurs on the island of Madagascar have 2 tongues. And my favorite, a Koala's appendix is about 2 meters long.
Lateberwulf: A talking bean that looks like a dog taught me those
Lateberwulf: Did you know I can control the muscles in my eyeballs and make them rapidly shake in place? It's a great way to freak people out
Lateberwulf: Carrots has these: good Health and okay taste
Lateberwulf: You know, when I'm in my forties and a published author, I'm gonna be in an interview for the newest Hubverse MMO and in the middle of a discussion on adapting the setting I'll remember this
Lateberwulf: "So one of the things I'm personally excited about is the merchant class. Obviously, we're using David Wulf as an archetype—FUCKING HELL"
Lateberwulf: Kotaku will never speak to me again
Lateberwulf: Why the fuck am I awake good night

---

The Deleter: "AC is one of the greatest and most respected games of all time, and now whenever you go to that subforum there's a thread about Charmander penises stickied at the top."

---

The Deleter: also the badger went for £25 which is about $40-50 i guess
The Deleter: i make bill gates look like an amateur
Saberwulf: Goddamn fifty fuckin' dollars for a 3d fire rat
The Deleter: talk shit get paid
SteelKomodo: Oh hey everyone!
Harpy: SK, from behind
Saberwulf: Hey there SK
The Deleter: hey sk
The Deleter: i sold the badgerrrr
The Deleter: rrr
The Deleter: r
SteelKomodo: you did, well done!
Harpy: its christmas in britain apparently
Harpy: watch as Del gets another badger to sell
Harpy: and another
Harpy: and another
Saberwulf: In twenty years, Del looks down at his kids. "Daddy, how'd you get so much cash?" "Sellin' badgers you little fucks"
The Deleter: i am the badgerlord
The Deleter: you must approach me to get a badger
The Deleter: and it ain't cheap you fucks
Harpy: i ain't payin 50 dollar for no badger

GB's 100 Games: 20-16

 
It feels like it's been ages since I began this series, and now the final twenty entries are here. These were the games that truly hooked me. I played them top to bottom and fell in love with their miniature worlds.

Let's begin.

Chatzy Madness Volume 31: Crazy-Ass Jam of Knights

SteelKomodo: You know how Goops can't look at any FF stuff without shoehorning his RP into it?
TheDeleter: yeeeaaaaah?
SteelKomodo: Yeah, turns out i shouldn't be one to talk
SteelKomodo: http://www.bigbadtoystore.com/bbts/product.aspx?product=SYC10011&mode=retail
TheDeleter: pffft
SteelKomodo: Read the description for this and kept thinking "no, this is wrong"
TheDeleter: IT'S NICKYPOO
Gooper Blooper joined the chat
Gooper Blooper: A traitor to Edenia, Rain becomes a servant of Shao Khan, participating in the latter’s invasion of the Earthrealm, however he later defects from Khan’s forces, endeavoring to defeat Taven and Daegon with the longer-term intention of defeating Blaze to gain the latter’s immense power. A master of water and lightning, Rain boasts an arsenal of signature moves including the Shocking Orb and the Water Blast.
Gooper Blooper: hold on, I can fix this
Gooper Blooper: A traitor to Edenia, Rain becomes a servant of Shao Khan, participating in the latter’s invasion of the Earthrealm, however he later defects from Khan’s forces, endeavoring to defeat Taven and Daegon The Lord of the Night with the longer-term intention of defeating Blaze to gain the latter’s immense power marrying Stel-Stel. A master of water and lightning, Rain boasts an arsenal of signature moves including the Shocking Orb and the Water Blast wielding a fragment of Christopher Ravensky's sword and dropping fuckin' lightning bolts on people, yo.

---

RedSpy: Ey guys :​D
Gooper Blooper: There you are
Gooper Blooper: The Spy posts in Chatzy when you least expect it
RedSpy: I was Isaacing
Gooper Blooper: oh god, still? It never ends
RedSpy: I bought the expansion
RedSpy: When the remake comes out I'm buying that
RedSpy: Help I've lost all control of my life
Gooper Blooper: You should have seen me and Pokemon back in the early to mid-2000s
Gooper Blooper: I was fucking married to those damn things
Gooper Blooper: "Spy, what are you doing?" "Playing Binding of Isaac." "It's four o'clock in the morning. Why on earth are you playing Binding of Isaac?" "Because I've lost control of my life."
Saberwulf: Speaking of buying lots of video games, I actually used to own basically every version of the Deus Ex Series
Saberwulf: No reason, I just ended up with like every system version of all three games
Gooper Blooper: That's happened to me before. It's like "why do I have so many games in this series"
Gooper Blooper: For me it's Mario Party, because my brother kept buying the new one every year
Saberwulf: Haha, Mario Party
Gooper Blooper: And so we now have Mario Parties 1 through 8
Gooper Blooper: hootenanny
Saberwulf: I own 2 MPs, the first gamecube one and the original
Gooper Blooper: The fifth one is my favorite
Gooper Blooper: Playable Boo is boss
Saberwulf: Playable boo sounds kickass
Gooper Blooper: http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a135/Kracko/PimpBoo.jpg
Saberwulf: Hahahahaha yessss
Gooper Blooper: "Where Lady Bow at?"

Chatzy Madness Volume 28: The Rolan Jesus

GB: So our FOUR MIGHTY HEROES are now on Floor 90 of the third bonus tower
SteelKomodo: woot!
GB: You may remember that the eightieth floor of every tower has a dragon miniboss
GB: The first tower had Bahamut, the second had Ice Dragon
GB: The third tower's dragon is just called Dragon
SteelKomodo: boo-ring
GB: I'm like "Really?"
GB: He died in three turns
Toothpaste: Its name was actually Draven
SteelKomodo: XD
GB: Taking six meteors to the face is hazardous to your health
Toothpaste: It didn't die. It just let you win
GB: (thanks pit)
SteelKomodo: (woot!)

---

GB: I just realized something
GB: When Paper Mario TTYD first came out I was amazed by the Bowser sidescrolling segments
GB: I thought "they should do a whole game like this"
GB: THEY DID
SteelKomodo: IT WAS CALLED SUPER PAPER MARIO
SteelKomodo: =D
Harpy: ahahah
Harpy: yes

Chatzy Madness Volume 27: Dirk Nukem

GB: http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc320/PapaGonzales/kjboou.png
SteelKomodo: ...
SteelKomodo: i got nothin
SteelKomodo: literally nothin to say
SteelKomodo: so have some farting noises instead
SteelKomodo: ppppprrrrrrrrrrt

---

Saberwulf: Hrm, I feel like writing a novel
Saberwulf: *eyes Microsoft Office*
SteelKomodo: DO IT
SteelKomodo: FOR GREAT JUSTICE
Toothpaste: YES!
Saberwulf: Oh christ, I already have the opening line:
Saberwulf: My name is Chet Mathis, and this is the story of how I blew up the Multiverse.
TheDeleter: oh god
TheDeleter: here we go
SteelKomodo: ALREADY
SteelKomodo: First line and it's already beautifully insane!

---

Saberwulf: Hahaha, oh god, the Italian version of What The Hell translates literally to What The Dick
Saberwulf: That's fantastic

Chatzy Madness Volume 25: Thinking is Hard

TheDeleter: beat another sam and max chapter
ColorChange: woo!
TheDeleter: now i have to figure out where all these underpants-wearing sams came from

---

TheDeleter: that's weird
TheDeleter: one of my buddies has updated his facbook to say he's in a relationship, but he didn't specify who with
TheDeleter: i'm gonna assume it's his hand

---

SteelKomodo: "Garfield and Jon Arbuckle was sitting at home watching the tv when M. Bison came on tv with announcement to Garfield."
SteelKomodo: ALREADY
SteelKomodo: First sentence and it's already beautifully, batshit insane,
ColorChange: Why is Garfield a paragon of manliness
SteelKomodo: Why wouldn't he be?

Chatzy Madness Volume 23: A Really Awkward Terrorist

MannVsNature: I have learned a very valuable lesson yesterday
MannVsNature: Mario Strikers Charged is an evil, evil little game
TheDeleter: it is
TheDeleter: it hates you and everything you stand for
SteelKomodo: it truly is
SteelKomodo: but it's loads of fun as well
MannVsNature: My friend and I went from beginning to end, tearing a bloody path through the game
MannVsNature: Donkey Kong, Dry Bones, Monty Mole, and Shy Guy trampled everything in their way
MannVsNature: We even got to the end of the Striker Cup, ready to face down Petey Piranha
MannVsNature: He solidly demolished our asses
SteelKomodo: D:
MannVsNature: Fought so far, all for naught
SteelKomodo: mario sports games tend to do that
SteelKomodo: there will come a time when they will tear you apart, bit by bit
SteelKomodo: especially Mario Kart
MannVsNature: It doesn't help that the AI uses items with perfect precision
MannVsNature: While every time I try to use an item it hits more of our own team than theirs
MannVsNature: Hell, half the time our own Chain Chomp chases us
SteelKomodo: Chain Chomps are jerks

---

Erebus: SHALL WE SCRY?!
SteelKomodo: LET US SCRY!!
TheDeleter: LET'S SCRY PROFUSELY
TheDeleter: SCRY OUT IN TERROR
Erebus: AWWWWWWWW YEAH
MannVsNature: SCRY TIME!
TheDeleter: i'm trying to pun

Chatzy Madness Volume 22: Stella's Zoofights Fanfiction

GB: So last night I played another one of my shiny new old Atari games
Saberwulf: Nice
GB: This one's called Mouse Trap
SteelKomodo: ooh
RedSpy: D:
GB: You have to avoid enemies and eat all the dots in the maze
GB: totally not pac-man guys
RedSpy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQ0ko4zess4
SteelKomodo: ...pffffffft
GB: Actually there are a couple huge differences
GB: See, you're a mouse, and the dots are cheese
GB: Or at least they're supposed to be cheese
GB: And you're pursued by three cats instead of four ghosts
GB: If you hold down the fire button the whole maze transforms
GB: The reason I brought up Mouse Trap is because of this http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a135/Kracko/Decorated%20images/MouseTrapMaxScore1.jpg
GB: I guess that means I won
Saberwulf: Haha
Saberwulf: Nice
GB: it's not a very hard game
SteelKomodo: yesssss
RedSpy: Wait what?
GB: max score bitches
RedSpy: Holy shi-
GB: http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a135/Kracko/Decorated%20images/MouseTrapMaxScore2.jpg
GB: See, I nabbed one more dot and it rolled over
GB: Activating the "power pellets" whenever you want really helps
GB: You don't use them as soon as you touch them
RedSpy: That's OP

Chatzy Madness Volume 20: They Fight Crime

TheDeleter: so an incredibly long chain of panic has caused all of my xcom soldiers to murder every alien on screen
TheDeleter: meanwhile my sniper at the back just facepalms
Saberwulf: Hahaha
SteelKomodo: XD
SteelKomodo: Team K.o.B. - they kick ass even when panicking
SteelKomodo: and Santos is the only sane guy
TheDeleter: that's XCOM!

---

GB: Let the record show that I will always suck at Donkey Kong no matter what system it is on

---

GB: You know what's wonderful? Atari game manuals.
GB: "How many of you out there have always longed to be a pinball wizard? It's a good bet that some of the places you had to go to play a game of pinball weren't the most comfortable for you. Well, relax. Since you were wise enough to invest in this ATARI (r) VIDEO PINBALL TM Game Program TM, you'll never have to worry about being at places with that kind of unsavoury atmosphere again."
GB: "VIDEO PINBALL has the challenge and the excitement of standard pinball games, and it doesn't have any idea what a quarter is. So not only are you spared the unpleasant task of stuffing quarters into hungry machines, you have the comfort and the well-being of your home. What more could a pinball enthusiast ask for? And as for you pinball wizards, don't think you can master this one lickety-split. It'll be a while before your wiz rating is restored and in full swing."
SteelKomodo: pfffffft wat
GB: "Just in case you're a pinball rookie, there's only one thing you need to know. You're going to love it. You may have stayed away from the more traditional places of pinball habitation in the past, but now you're going to see why so many other people have gone goofy with "pinball madness". As a matter of fact, you'll probably catch the fever yourself within about 20 minutes."
GB: "So take a deep breath, turn up the stereo, and jump right into VIDEO PINBALL. One more thing. Better get yourself a piggy bank for all those quarters you're going to save."
RedSpy: Game manuals today
RedSpy: "THANK YOU FOR BUYING HAVE SOME ADS"
RedSpy: "ALSO THE CONTROL STICK MOVES, YA GOBSHITE"
GB: And then you actually turn on VIDEO PINBALL
GB: And you get this
GB: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEuNpdB_3E0
SteelKomodo: to be fair
SteelKomodo: that is how most of my pinball games go
GB: Oh yeah, I understand the limitations of the time, I just love how they talk it up
TheDeleter: that's hilarious
TheDeleter: like
TheDeleter: the ball touches the flippers maybe once or twice
GB: If you toggle the difficulty switch on the console two more holes open up!
GB: BETTER WATCH OUT
TheDeleter: oh god!
TheDeleter: that's too many nooooo
TheDeleter: how will i ever cope?

An Actual Review of Four Heroes of Light

:smugsephine:

I don't know if people are utterly sick of me talking about this damn game yet - Elohim knows I've said enough about it - but I wanted to give some details and opinions of Final Fantasy: Four Heroes of Light in a format more suited to a proper review, especially because even though I've spent hours relaying the ridiculous storyline, I haven't said much about game mechanics.

Graphics
The Nintendo DS, as you know, is roughly on par with the N64 in terms of graphical prowess, perhaps a bit above that. In general 3D models are a bit crude but recognizable, while sprites are excellent. Four Heroes is a 3D game, with similar graphics to the DS remakes of Final Fantasy 3 and Final Fantasy 4 (in fact, it's handled by the same development team within Square Enix). Monsters vary from the silly to the scary, and the playable characters are adorable super-deformed little things. Absolutely up my alley, but not a style everyone enjoys.

Also, the character designer is the same guy who did FF3's DS version as well as Final Fantasy Tactics, and I love this guy's art style. Easily one of my favorite character designers, right up there with whoever came up with the idea to make Mario a piece of paper.

Music
Some seriously catchy tunes here. Four Heroes' music will stick with me long after I've put it down. I'd single out the boss theme and the "scary" theme used in a couple late-game dungeons as being particularly excellent. One thing I really love is the way the music changes depending on how you're doing in battle. If you're in trouble against normal enemies, the music gets frantic, and when a boss is running out of HP the music switches to a new, energized tune to emphasize that you're near victory. It can fall flat if the boss is killed too quickly after the music change, but when it works, it works.

Gameplay
Four Heroes has a number of interesting twists to the standard RPG formula. The coolest is the job system, which affects what special abilities your characters can use. While I spent basically the entirety of the game on just six or so classes (White Mage, Black Mage, Hero, Merchant, Thief, and Wayfarer), there's tons of different ways to build your characters, and it's pretty easy to change classes if you change your mind. For instance, you don't need to go without a healer if you don't want a White Mage. The Salve-Maker class is this game's version of a Chemist, and can heal the whole party at once with a single item, while the Wayfarer can double the power of a potion and is a great class for the solo sections thanks to its Escape ability. Some of the later classes get downright bizarre, like the secret Seamstress class that attacks with giant sewing needles and can destroy a weapon to temporarily pump up the power of another, or the Shaman who instead of reviving your KOed allies allows them to fight on as invincible ghosts.

Another neat twist is the Ability Points system. Every turn a character gains 1 AP, up to a max of five. Every action uses at least 1 AP except Defend. You don't have to worry about running out of MP here - just Defend for a turn and you'll be able to cast magic again. The mana-restoring Ether now just refills your AP - it's best for going into boss fights with a full bar (or 4 points, which will become 5 on the battle's first turn).

Godsephine

Here's a weird quirk about battles - you can't pick your target. A full set of four enemies (not all encounters have four baddies) forms a square. Physical attackers start with the front-left enemy, while magic strikes the back-right enemy, each going across, then into the next row as the fight progresses. Enemies take advantage of this in some of their formations, most often by having a burly enemy in front and some frailer guys in back. You can't pick your target with your own characters, either - healing spells target whoever needs healing the most in terms of percentage of health remaining. While I was a bit off-put at first by this bizarre design choice, it actually isn't a big deal once you get used to it, and it's not common that I wished Sarah would heal someone different from who she ended up actually healing. It helped that in the first half of the game it's rare to have more than one ally and in the second half you'll likely use the White Mage or Salve-Maker's "heal everyone at once" skills a lot and avoid the problem entirely.

There's also the inventory system, which makes item management a major priority. Every character can only carry 15 items, and that includes their equipment and any duplicate items - but not key items, thankfully. There's a Storage Shop in every town that will hold on to your excess goods until they're needed.

All these quirks and twists made Four Heroes a game that simultaneously defied RPG stereotypes like the infinite bag of holding and the management of mana while embracing other stereotypes like the plucky hero, kidnapped princess, and villains who do bad things because they're bad.

I should also note that this game is very difficult if you aren't using a walkthrough. There is not a lot of direction in terms of where to go and what to do, and there are occasions where you need to talk to an NPC multiple times or wander the world map a bit in order to proceed. The NPCs will often provide hints, though, especially for things like finding the next dungeon or locating a monster with an important item drop. Also, the save system is a bit nasty - you can't save on the overworld and there's no quick-saving, so either find the save point guy and his fox pet or put the DS in sleep mode and plug it into its charger.

Atmosphere
It's strange. I'm a huge Final Fantasy fan, but I only play the older games in the series, and the spinoffs that attempt to channel those old games - like Four Heroes and Final Fantasy Tactics. I have a strong liking of the more lighthearted feelings these old-school games tend to favor inducing over the darker, realistic-looking, non-SD characters that took over the main series in the PlayStation era. Four Heroes absolutely nails the old-school, peppy vibe of FF1 and FF4. Like many of my favorite RPGs, it knows when to be serious, but it also knows to keep things fun and full of fantasy. It's kind of a hard concept to convey, but I guess you could call it the game's "heart" or "soul". Four Heroes is an optimistic game about overcoming challenges and saving the world - sorta like how Zoofights RP tends to go.

Josephine
Mother of god, did this game enhance my appreciation for Josephine. She's been a bit of a chew toy in ZFRP - the diet problems, the poor combat ability (until she got her rocket launcher), and the Monster Blood incident made it clear that Josephine tended to get the short end of the stick, but naming Four Heroes' Yunita after Josephine took it to a new level. Due to a combination of intentional in-game dialogue and plot and some unintentional gameplay misfortunes, Josephine's situation got far, far worse before it got better. I'm still amazed at how much this game enjoyed dumping shit on the poor girl - from being abandoned by her allies multiple times to winding up a bum in the city, Josephine got kicked into the dirt more times than I can count. But now she's a powerful party leader who has risen above her past and become an essential part of the team.

:3

Recommendation
It's kinda hard to recommend Four Heroes to you guys because I kinda gave away the entire plot in my Chatzy reports, but it really was a great game - hence my enthusiasm for it. It's likely to crack my Top 25 of all time and it's one of the three best games I've played this year (the other two are Final Fantasy Tactics and Ghost Trick). This is exactly the sort of game that appeals to me - a fair amount to do, cute and likable characters (eventually - Jusqua AKA Pit is kind of a dick for the first third of the game), fun gameplay, and a storyline that is simultaneously stereotypical as hell and completely bizarre. People who don't care for getting unleashed into a big world without much direction can still enjoy the game with a guide - I used the one on GameFAQs, which proved very useful. Also, warning to people who need to 100 percent their games - it's very, very easy to miss permanently missable items in this game if you aren't closely following a guide.

If you're sick to death of the traditional RPG, Four Heroes probably isn't for you. As for me, I loved (almost) every minute of it, am extremely pleased with my purchase, and I'm eagerly looking forward to the 3DS sequel, Bravely Default: Flying Fairy, which I'm assuming will get a less insane name if it gets an English translation.

Five Rolans out of five.

Four Heroes of Light - A Chatzy Play-By-Play

GB: One downside to FF: Four Heroes - the names have an eight character limit so Josephine is now Josefine
SteelKomodo: boo :<
GB: I was all set to enter the e and *bzzz* and I was like "awww fuck"
TheDeleter: pretend it's a 90's revamp
TheDeleter: edgy and cool
GB: J0Z3f1n3
TheDeleter: xX*so radical*Xx
SteelKomodo: POINTY ELBOWS AND LOTS OF LIGHTNING!
GB: Josephine on a skateboard
GB: ROCKET CHEMIST
TheDeleter: edgy and angry
RedSpy: Oh god xD
GB: Sarahsisters Unleashed
GB: Ariel is now even more enthusiastic
GB: "Like the ancient Mysidians say - don't drink a potion you found in the dark."
TheDeleter: Or wear any girdles you find in dungeons
TheDeleter: seriously who made those things
GB: Don't forget - the more revealing it is, the better the stat boosts
SteelKomodo: oh dear lord those girdles
RedSpy: D: girdles
GB: Josephine: "GET THAT ULTIMATE THONG AWAY FROM ME"
TheDeleter: clearly erebus' power armor is trash tier
TheDeleter: get him a speedo
TheDeleter: for godlike power

Alex X Josephine

The king's daughter has been kidnapped! I know, that never happens, BUT IT DID! Princess Sarah has been spirited away by a nasty witch! Fortunately, Alex is on the case - as you knew he would be. The brave knight ventured out into the wild alone, with only a crappy sword and a bunch of free potions for company. In a dark cave, he thought he'd met his match in the form of a minotaur, but luckily Pit came to his rescue with some timely magic spells, and the minotaur was vanquished!

At the other side of the cave was the witches' lair, where Alex and Pit discovered Josephine trying - and failing - to fend off some monsters that stood between her and her sister. After helping the poor girl, Alex and Pit teamed up with her and the three charged united through the castle, soon reaching Sarah. Unfortunately the witch appeared and transformed into a griffin, forcing the four young adventurers to work together to bring her down after a long, difficult battle.

Returning to town, Alex, Pit, Josephine and Sarah were shocked to find nearly everyone (except, inexplicably, the guy who saved their file) turned to stone, and they weren't far enough into the game to have Gold Needles or Esuna! It was at this time that Dark Pit took over Pit's mind and encouraged him to get the hell out of Dodge before he was petrified too, and Josephine sent Sarah to stay with him in a safe haven, fearing for her younger sister's safety. Now with only Alex for company, Josephine resolved to save the town, feeling that if she'd only protected her sister better none of this would have happened...

...And that's what happened when I renamed the characters in Final Fantasy: Four Heroes of Light, which I began playing today.

Alex fits well as a heroic lead, and since he's the dude you start with I think he's supposed to be the leader. Josephine is a bit more heroic and selfless here than in RP, but looking at her, I can easily see Josephine for some reason, even though she's got different clothes, hairstyle, and weapon. I didn't realize Pit would be such a douche, but I can fudge it by making it pre-Kronosium Pit getting taken over by Dirk Pat, and when he has an inevitable change of heart later in the game and starts being a hero, that can be Light Pit reasserting himself. Sarah is so close to working perfectly, except for one hilarious flaw - although she's kind, cheerful, and pleasant most of the time, she's also very selfish and has a huge ego. It's like normal Sarah with a streak of City of Beasts Sarah running through her veins. All in all it worked out decently, although tragically nobody has an ahoge so Alex, Sarah, and Pit are bereft of their glorious wriggling headpieces.

And now Alex and Josephine are adventuring together.

Alone.

Alex does not seem the type to have a wandering eye (although there was a brief period last year where Sarah feared he had lost interest in her), but I'll be keeping a close eye on these two kids for any romantic tension.