Friday, March 27, 2026

The Isla Sorna Incident


My name is Nina Velge.

I shouldn't be alive.

And if I am alive, I shouldn't be free.

I had one of the most dangerous jobs on the planet, and then my employers went head to head in a knock-down, drag-out turf war with the biggest pack of vigilantes the world has ever known. Red shirts don't survive that shit. The folks on the ground are the first to go. The front lines, the mooks, the meat for the grinder. Most of my fellow grunts are long gone now. Some died then. Some got arrested. Some ended up in another organization later, under some chump you might have heard of named Heidegger. Yeah, THAT Heidegger. Orchestrator of the One-Day War, who tried to touch the sun and had his wings melt. More deaths there, more arrests. So many people I used to work with are now either in prison, were in prison, or are dead as a doornail.

And yet, here I am. One of the lucky ones.

Hell, I guess it makes sense. All my life I've been slipping through cracks. What's one more?

I came to Olympia in January of 2019. High school dropout. Couldn't cut it. Hated retail. And I wanted nothing to do with the military. I was young, angry at the world, and wanted to punch something. So I did what a lot of people with no direction and an itch to do some damage were doing in those days. I moved to Olympia with what I could scrape together and joined The Curse. A lot of people make a lot of assumptions about The Curse, and I'm here to tell you that it... was complicated. I'm not gonna mince words or try to defend it, it wasn't a good organization. But not everyone in The Curse was a piece of shit, though. Far from it. Take a sample of a dozen grunts and you'd get a dozen reasons for why they joined up. There were people who thought it was the easy way to riches and success. Others didn't see any other way at all. There were folks who felt they had to join for their own safety, and folks who enlisted specifically because it could be dangerous. Some wanted the thrills of operating outside the law. Some thought Plague and his friends at the top were visionaries. Some drank the Kool-Aid and thought Olympia would legitimately be better with The Curse in charge.

Some just wanted to watch the world burn.

I was kind of in the middle. I wanted to make an impact in a way that the establishment didn't like. I've never been great at toeing the line. Got in trouble at school a lot, especially once I hit my teens. One day I got sick of it and walked out and that was the end of it. So I wound up in The Curse, as a Shrapnel. The recruiter, a bitch with hair that writhed like a snake and skin as pale as a fish's underbelly, asked me which division I thought I'd be most useful in. I looked at 'em. Asked a couple questions.

And, because I was really damn stupid, I picked InGen.

Sunday, February 15, 2026

In Pursuit Of The Truth

"Auntie!"

The young girl ran across the grocery store, arms outstretched. Binah broke into a grin, abandoning her shopping cart and spreading her arms, letting the impact happen. She hugged Binah fiercely, with the sort of energy and trust and decisiveness you only see from someone too young to know better. Binah chuckled as they embraced, and then she ruffled the girl's hair, her medium-length brown locks flying as Binah's hand scooched back and forth.

"Well hello there, my little lady." Binah beamed down at the girl. "What a pleasant surprise! ...And speaking of surprises, what on earth are you wearing?"

The girl stood with immense pride, grinning and putting her hands on her hips as she showed off her outfit to Binah - a black robe with gold accents. "You like it? It's just like your clothes!"

"Aha, so it IS on purpose! I knew it."

"You know everything, Auntie!"

"Where's Mom? She's with you, right?"

"Yeah, she's just slow! You know I always beat her in races!" the girl boasted.

"Hehe, true, true."

"What have you been doing at work lately?" the girl asked, her eyes wide and hopeful. They faltered as Binah could only return her expectant gaze with a sad, resigned look in her own eyes.

"I'm sorry, dear... You know I can't talk about it. As always, my job is top secret." The PCR only told non-members of its' work on a need-to-know basis. And though she would insist otherwise, Binah's eager little niece most certainly did not need to know. Binah's heart broke as the girl's face fell and she looked down at the ground.

"Oh... I hate that dumb rule. I thought you said you were gonna get rid of it."

"I've tried. But I'm not important enough in the company to make those kinds of changes alone. There are others I need to convince, and they won't hear it. So my job remains secret, I'm afraid."

"But... if I take a job with you when I grow up, then you'll HAVE to tell me, right?"

Binah grimaced a bit. "T-true... but I don't know if I like the idea of you having a career there."

"It's worth it to finally find out what my super-cool Aunt Binah does for a living!"

Binah couldn't help but chuckle again, a smile returning to her face. Then she heard the voice of someone approaching.

Sunday, December 21, 2025

Chatzy Madness Volume 429: Secret Giraffes And Forbidden Elephants

Today I bring you a bittersweet Christmas gift: the final Chatzy Madness.

Perhaps you saw this coming, since it's been so long since the last one. I fell far behind after doing a pretty good job of being up-to-date for years. The thought of combing over a hundred chat logs for funny quotes sounds like a grind and a chore instead of a fun task, and I think that's my cue to stop. I know this will disappoint some people as Chatzy Madness had a few vocal fans, and I also feel disappointed in myself for not mustering the will to keep it going, but last week I started trying to work on it again, got through about six days, saw an hour had passed, and thought "I'm wasting way too much time on this". So it's time to wrap it up.

Really, if you think about it, this blog series lasting as long as it has is kind of nuts. Chatzy Madness is 429 volumes spanning over 14 years. I think that's a pretty damn good run, almost as long as ZFRP itself. If you read all 429 Chatzy Madnesses, I'd give you an Achievement or something if I could. Thanks for sticking with me. I hope you enjoy the last Chatzy Madness.

-----

iKomodo: when does voting end chao?
iKomodo: because i'll have to throw one in at some point obvs
MobileDraco: Sunday
Jadeforged of Jashut: sunday sunday, sundayyy
Jadeforged of Jashut: oil paintings oil paintings SEAKIIIING
Jadeforged of Jashut: (this joke is for goops)
Jumpropeman: you beat me to it
Jumpropeman: hank of the hill sits alongside skooks in most rewatchable poops for me
Jumpropeman: I once made my niece cry quoting it-
Jumpropeman: she did not appreciate my hank hill voice...
iKomodo: SEAKING SEAKING SEAKING
RubyChao: sunday, yes
Jadeforged of Jashut: hank of the hill is pretty foundational

---

Jumpropeman: *googles Kothaga*
Jumpropeman: how about that, there's a notable movie in Telugu with the word in the name
RubyChao: you know what you must do jrm
Jumpropeman: apparently it means "new"
RubyChao: it is time for your understanding of language to play a key role
Gooper Blooper: Kothaga Super Mario Bros
Jumpropeman: that was the missing piece all along...

---

Gooper Blooper: So, today Goopsmom had to get her car inspected, and since the place that does it is forty minutes away she brought me along and we made a day of it and swung by the Fairbanks Museum
Gooper Blooper: Pardon, was pulled away for a second for a reason related to this story, but back now
Gooper Blooper: On the way there I shared with Goopsmom how the final two of the Brawl shook out. I usually tell her this the day after but this time the finale was such a complicated story with all the assistants and upgrades that it took until now for me to piece together a version of it she'd understand
Gooper Blooper: She wanted to know which users owned which characters and I told her about Hooded Pitohui. I've mentioned his name before and she always reacts with bafflement and then forgets it
Gooper Blooper: but she's definitely going to remember him this time
Gooper Blooper: The museum has tons of bird taxidermy specimens and she spent a significant portion of our visit looking for a hooded pitohui and continuously flubbing the name to the point it became a running joke
Gooper Blooper: I was pulled away because she was trying to google "red-hooded judihoi" and could not find the bird
RubyChao: ahahahahahaaaaaaa
Gooper Blooper: I had mentioned it had some red on it and she interpreted that as "red-hooded" and went down a rabbit hole of looking up the wrong birds
Gooper Blooper: but I think she's finally got it now
Gooper Blooper: As I went back upstairs she was cuddling Wyatt, her pet chihuahua, and telling him he's her little pitohui
Deadly To The Point of Death: Awww
Draco: The Judihoi...
Jumpropeman: time to make the red-hooded judihoi canon in rp and have it show up to the redhead meeting
NO CID ONLY CLAMS: Next up, she's trying to find Breebroo Crawshanks
NO CID ONLY CLAMS: ...did the museum have a hooded pitohui?
Gooper Blooper: We did not find one.
Gooper Blooper: this is where I would triumphantly link a photo of their specimen, IF THEY HAD ONE
Gooper Blooper: but it's possible we simply managed to miss it, or that they have one in storage
Jumpropeman: he escaped the museum so he could join rp
Mobile Pitohui joined the chat
Jumpropeman: it's him!
Jumpropeman: quick! Get the cage!
Mobile Pitohui: I think you're looking for judihoi. Two doors down. Common mistake.
NO CID ONLY CLAMS: No no, that yellow coated Asian girl who loves malls is even more wrong
Gooper Blooper: She kept pointing at random birds and going "Look, it's a red-hooded [garbles the name weirder every time]!"

---

RubyChao joined the chat
RubyChao: ahoy
Jumpropeman: ahoy hoy
Gooper Blooper: hell friend
Gooper Blooper: HELL FRIEND.
Jumpropeman: HELL FRIEND
RubyChao: HELL FRIEND
Gooper Blooper: that's okuu
MobileDraco: HELL FRIEND
Jumpropeman: everyone's got one

Monday, July 28, 2025

Chatzy Madness Volume 428: Truffles Yearns For The Mines (AKA Big Bar Brawl 15 Edition)

Draco: Hmm. I guess I do have to pick out a Secret Fiter. How do I convince JRM that Shashake isn't an OC?
Jumpropeman: you send X-Men villain Mystique, and she just spends the whole brawl disguised as Shashake
Draco: PERFECT
Cornwind Evil: Draco you just said their name out loud
Draco: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Draco explodes.
Draco: Shashake is cut Brawl content.
Jumpropeman: ingrid would vote for her and isn't sure why

---

RubyChao: man!!
RubyChao: brawl...
HOW DID HE GET THIS JOB: Man-Brawl, the considerably less successful second cousin to Man-Thing
HOW DID HE GET THIS JOB: Man-Bat claims no relation

---

(Re: the ZF Hospital medical staff)

RubyChao: dr. gerald nerique like "am i not good enough for you?"
Jumpropeman: she probably would rate him as one of the ones closest to her expertise
Jumpropeman: mostly because they both handle most of the less magical or supersciencey side of medical
Jumpropeman: it's also one reason she was fast to get along with maomao
Jumpropeman: she "gets" them
Jumpropeman: she wouldn't knock the magic healers, but she also wouldn't show Sarah an x-ray of a bladder and say "what do you think"
Gooper Blooper: There's nothing to fear, I have the best retired doctors on hand to make sure our medical team won't have to fret
Jumpropeman: now those two she'd show a bladder to
Jumpropeman: i do like over time we did accrue a great deal of doctors
Gooper Blooper: "Does it require lickens?" "*squeak*"
JiggyHarpy: vruhnu will join in on the doctoring!
JiggyHarpy: he knows what a bladder is-
Jumpropeman: "Vruhnu take a look at this" "Chiyari please stop showing everyone that bladder" *Chiyari slumps over*
JiggyHarpy: Vruhnu is the one showing everyone the bladder, what are you talking about
JiggyHarpy: he's all about rocks and kidney stones are fascinating to him

---

Draco: Oh dang. I still need a Secret Fiter. Is Chiyari free?
Jumpropeman: this isn't the time to ask her on a date draco, you have to submit a secret fiter!
Jumpropeman: link
Draco: You're right! I better get Sniveling!
Gooper Blooper: Finally, it's time for Mr. Delicious
Jumpropeman: powers: tanks any business he comes in contact with

---

(re: acquiring full-body character images for Brawl reference)

Jumpropeman: speaking of, whenever harp's around, I need to know about Naomi's body
RubyChao: Oh my, how lewd.

---

PhoneJade: Entering three different Jonesys
PhoneJade: Jonesybrawl
Jumpropeman: and one of those jonesys
Jumpropeman: is fortnite jonesy
PhoneJade: N
PhoneJade: No
SCOOBY DOO WHERE ARE YOX: She gets in the Top 10 because all she does is dance and everyone ignores her.

Tuesday, June 17, 2025

Chatzy Madness Volume 427: Smash.

Gooper Blooper: link
Jumpropeman: from back when you said you had an extra guy instead of an extra life
Gooper Blooper: I remember some of my old Genesis games called lives "tries" or "chances"
Gooper Blooper: It was usually the Disney-related games and even kid me was like "so they didn't want to say Mickey and Simba died"
Gooper Blooper: found a PDF of the Genesis manual for The Lion King and my memory was correct
Jumpropeman: meanwhile, that lion king bootleg was quite happy showing that simba is very much dead
Gooper Blooper: "When the Health Meter is empty, Simba loses a try." "When Simba's Health Meter reaches zero, you lose one Simba Chance"
AlternisChao: i like how the toad doesn't even look terrified, more just fascinated
Jumpropeman: he probably can relate
Gooper Blooper: Toad is also one of many, yes
Gooper Blooper: originally "Toad" referred to one specific Toad
Gooper Blooper: then the name spread to the entire species/race/whatever the hell they are
Jumpropeman: they tried for a bit with mushroom retainer

--- 

Jumpropeman: *types a grammatical error, deletes to fix it, realizes the character saying it, puts it back in*

---

AlternisChao: oh, fun fact
AlternisChao: Georgia Penn's name is taken entirely from that being a GG1 Pennsylvania Railroad gijinka
AlternisChao: Penn is obvious, and "Georgia" just felt like the best serious way to translatie "GG" into a woman's name
Jumpropeman: but what about Gigi!
AlternisChao: that can be the cute nickname when she's a main character in season 19

---

Hooded Pitohui: No, in fact I did not.
Jumpropeman: rail polygamy is the solution to this plot

---

Gooper Blooper: the new emergency food

---

Jumpropeman: I should send Concord to the trading post sometime...
Jumpropeman: they might not all fit
Gooper Blooper: All sixteen of them make Brawl bets
Jumpropeman: don't tempt me
Gooper Blooper tempts you
Gooper Blooper: *JRM has Roka make them for everyone with a written list so there's no text colors*
Jumpropeman: now we're talking
Jumpropeman: not literally though
Draco: Because we're on the Internet.

Monday, May 19, 2025

Chatzy Madness Volume 426: Explore Anguirus' Bathroom

Marty-o Sheep: Looking at blogs
Marty-o Sheep: Why Concord?
Jumpropeman: oh hey
Jumpropeman: it's sheep!
Jumpropeman: well you see sheep...
Jumpropeman: brb-
Marty-o Sheep: Should have been Bleeding Edge
Jumpropeman: concord is a personal challenge and something I can make goofy where I like
Marty-o Sheep: Ah! Here's the trailer I was thinking of!
Jumpropeman: i remember that snake
Jumpropeman: i did a big plot about overcoming societal prejudices, this year I'm not going so heavy
Jumpropeman he says, knowing about other plans already in motion
Harpnaomi: no Heavy involved
Marty-o Sheep: Bleeding Edge is the superior Overwatch clone, because you can play a dolphin
Marty-o Sheep: An angry dolphin.
Jumpropeman: I'm not using Concord because it's good, mate
Marty-o Sheep: "CALL ON CONCORD!"
Marty-o Sheep: I'd rather...not.
Marty-o Sheep: "Concord does the job by the book"
Marty-o Sheep: The Book of Mormon, maybe-

--- 

Donkey Kong Has A Chainsaw: All I know about Marvel Rivals is that Squirrel Girl has a ba-donkdonk and they made Namor Aquaman
Gooper Blooper: yeah she got "Girl Of The Month" status for a bit there
Guns Dont Go There: I have been playing Marvel Rivals
Guns Dont Go There: Currently the Internet is Horny for Emma Frost because they made her tall
Jumpropeman: i thought it was the thighs that are thicker than a redwood
Guns Dont Go There: two things can be true

---

Gooper Blooper: Oh, for non-sheep people: did a profiles update to detail out Venus' inventory
Jumpropeman clicks Troublemakers expecting her to be there
Gooper Blooper: I named my villains folder "Troublemakers" because they are rather underwhelming by villain standards
Gooper Blooper: She's got a whole shelf labeled "Stupid Fireworks" with a couple Watermelon Ninjas nestled between some of those pooping dog novelties and a gender reveal bomb that shoots green smoke
Jumpropeman: "gender reveal bomb"
Jumpropeman: her ultimate weapon...
Gooper Blooper: "isn't it supposed to be pink or blue" "it's green, figure it out yourself"
RubyChao: mental image that just struck me: this is chara buying one and setting it off when someone tries to pigeonhole her into a gender binary
they will she/they all they dang like
Gooper Blooper: I mostly stuck with "she" for Chara in the end but I tried to slip in some theys here and there when it flowed well with the writing
Gooper Blooper: Chara's true gender is Chocolate

---

Gooper Blooper: Most important Switch 2 news: the carts still taste disgusting
Jumpropeman: make some switch cartridge soup

Tuesday, April 29, 2025

GB's Game Reviews: 2024-2025 Edition

2024, or at least the first half of it in particular, was the year of playing games I'd played already.

I love Backloggery. I've talked about it before. It's a really cool website that lets you compile a database of your video game collection and track your progress with them, referring to the games you own but haven't beaten yet as "your backlog". It's a great idea, but admittedly I think it's given me a bit of tunnel vision. Sometimes I think a little too much about how next to enhance how my collection looks on Backloggery, choosing what to play on the basis of needing to beat more games. This is fine, but it can go too far when I'm reluctant to play something I've already 100% completed, or have beaten but can't realistically 100%, just for the fun of playing it. When I was a kid I didn't have this problem - even if I'd beaten a game a dozen times over, if it was fun enough I'd pop it in the system and do it again. Playing a game you've already finished isn't a "waste of time" - it basically accomplishes just as much as playing something you haven't played before, as long as you still get entertainment out of it. Games are meant to be fun, after all, and trying new ones is a good idea, but I shouldn't be casting old favorites into a "never touch again" box if they can still bring me joy.

Anyway, that preamble is because in 2024 I placed an unusual amount of focus on playing older games, many of which I'd beaten before. This started out as getting 100% completion on games I'd played thoroughly but had never managed to do everything in. This was seen in my reviews last year, where I finally 100%'d a number of games I consider absolute classics, such as the original Sonic games and Banjo-Kazooie. That mindset continues into this year's reviews, with the likes of Super Mario 64 crossed off the list, but then I also spent a lot of time with Vampire Survivors, which I had started in 2023 but didn't finish. However, eventually I even started playing games I'd finished a long time ago, such as Pokemon Snap and Pokemon Trading Card Game. Since it's been over a decade since I've reviewed some of these old games, though, I will be taking another look at them here in this edition of the blog, marking the first time in this blog series I've ever re-reviewed anything. As summer became fall, I started playing more new games (though Banjo-Tooie joined the replay fun after its' surprise NSO release), and you'll see that reflected in the reviews as I start tackling a number of small indie titles as well as a few bigger games I'd never played before this year - but I do still finish the blog off with a review of a game I first played over fifteen years ago. I also end up playing a whole lot of Sonic games here as I became re-invested in the franchise that got me hooked on video games. I tried out both Sonic's newest games and some popular fangames as well as going back and taking care of some older titles I never beat. If you read my January blogpost about my history with the Sonic series and still want to read more words about that darn blue hedgehog, he's all over this blogpost.

I hope you enjoy this especially retro-flavored look at what I've been playing since April 2024!