Monster Mash Loser's League Battle Royale

The atmosphere is thick with anticipation tonight at Ed's Landfill. Located in the Nevada wastelands, miles from nowhere with only a long stretch of lonely road for company, this garbage-choked sprawl of refuse was a great place to hold our six-way duel to the death.

It starts quietly as the competitors are released. Shark Tank trundles slowly off to roam the piles of garbage, and even the Maus' massive form is soon obscured by the trash. Sergeant Spinneret grips tightly to the hairs of her steed Lavalantula, and the spider duo is also soon lost in the trash. 'RhanaCop slithers around carefully before opting to make for the tallest pile of trash in the landfill to use as a lookout point. The Jersey Devil seems to have the same idea, leaping from wrecked cars to junked stoves with fluttering flaps, unwilling to take to the air and present itself as an obvious target just yet. Gatorage grumbles as his tranquilizers begin wearing off, and he looks around for something to smash. Unlike the others, Ananta Shesa seems content to stay where it is, neither hiding nor hunting. He coils idly, observing the battlefield and waiting to see what his enemies do before he himself makes a move. Above it all, Reiko Atari broadcasts live footage from Greentech's news chopper.

The stage is set. All that remains is to see who will throw the first punch.

And no surprise, it's Gatorage. The first thing anyone sees to signify that the battle has begun is Shark Tank flying through the air. Somehow, Gatorage managed to pick up well over 200 tons of tank and throw it. Guess there's something to be said for the power of anger.

Shark Tank soars past Ananta Shesa and lands on an incline, the shark head bellowing in surprise as its' treads scramble for a grip on the pile of garbage. Gatorage charges into the area, roaring, but is distracted by the sight of the snake. With Shark Tank slipping down the pile and out of sight, Gatorage instantly changes targets and goes for Ananta Shesa instead, seeing as he's the closest thing to maul.

Meanwhile, the tower of trash Jersey Devil and 'RhanaCop both elected to scale is predictably the sight of a battle. 'RhanaCop unholsters a single machine gun and fires at Jersey Devil, the fish-snake's body coiled around the tip of the tower while the Devil flies around him. An arcing sweep from his buzzsaw tail misses the mark, and the few bullets that thud into the demon's chest seem to do nothing but jerk it around a bit from recoil. From below, Lavalantula gazes up at the two dueling monsters, framed by the setting sun as they tried to kill each other. Sergeant Spinneret gave the go-ahead, and Lavalantula began to scale the tower as well.

Meanwhile, the passive, slow-paced Ananta Shesa was not exactly prepared for the smackdown of a crazy-mad giant alligator. The crocodilian gnashes and bites and claws, and Ananta's golden armor is quickly dismantled. The snake attempts to retaliate by winding around the gator's body, but Gatorage responds with frantic kicks that carve gouges in the snake's armor and body. Gatorage clamps its' jaws on Ananta's body and executes a death roll, the snake hissing in pain and anger as his body starts to fall apart.

An explosion suddenly obscures the two wrestling reptiles. From the gloom, Shark Tank emerges, its' massive treads simply running over both competitors. Ananta Shesa is crippled by the blow and lays there, dying, but it only makes Gatorage angrier, and he again switches targets and starts madly biting at the back of the tank.

From the other side of the junkyard fence, the cultists cling to the wires, trying to will their god back up. The snake stirs, and something strange happens.

He begins to shed his skin.

Suddenly, the cryptic phrase "shedding skin to be born again" makes sense. As he casts off his wrecked old body, Ananta Shesa emerges good as new, his scales glistening in the sunset light. He doesn't have his golden armor anymore, but he's a healthy snake. Hissing with new vigor, he slithers off to get payback against the foolish brutes that hurt him so much - but didn't finish him off.

The junkyard tower battle between 'RhanaCop and Jersey Devil is interrupted by a gout of magma. Both competitors rear back in surprise at the boiling molten rock as it arcs between them and falls away. 'RhanaCop peers down and sees Lavalantula, having scaled most of the tower. It had unfortunately attacked too early, and the lava never had much of a chance to hit either foe. The Jersey Devil swoops down and tries to grab Sergeant Spinneret, who scurries around on Lavalantula's back to avoid the demon. 'RhanaCop, meanwhile, attacks with his tail, the buzzsaw swinging at Lavalantula and cutting into it, but not doing serious damage.

Finally, the Jersey Devil manages to wrest away the only thing fighting that's smaller than itself, and flies away, cackling, with his new prize in tow. Lavalantula reaches out with two legs to try and stop him, but is too slow, and is left with its' limbs outstretched in the air, catching nothing. Opting to pursue, Lavalantula leaves a parting gift for 'RhanaCop in the form of more lava that streams into the junk pile and makes it melty and unstable. Lavalantula scurries down the tower and off in the direction Jersey Devil flew, while 'RhanaCop turns on his jetpack to slow his descent as he jumps off the sinking, collapsing tower of garbage.

Alligator jaws snap with a frothing urgency, but the teeth can't get a grip on the solid dome of ultra-thick plastic protecting Shark Tank's head. Gatorage growls and scrabbles with his front legs, his tail dragging on the ground as Shark Tank continues trundling along. The tank's turret swivels around, but Gatorage is too close - the barrel extends out past his body. Shark Tank raises the turret and turns it further, using the cannon itself to clock Gatorage on the head and knock him off. Gatorage rises, but Mega Python is upon him. Ananta Shesa hisses like a burst pipe, carefully coiling himself around Gatorage and pinning his arms to his sides. Gatorage's mouth gapes, but Shesa's gapes wider, and Gatorage's pupils shrink in surprise as the python begins to eat him head-first... and stops. It would be foolish to eat Gatorage whole while it's still alive, after all, and so the giant python has merely ensured the gator's mouth is shut as he begins putting the squeeze on him, trying to choke him to death.

Suddenly, Lavalantula bursts into the scene, in hot pursuit of the Jersey Devil. It appears at the top of a junk pile and sees the two giant reptiles slugging it out below while Shark Tank fiddles with its' cannon and tries to determine a course of action. Lavalantula makes a decision more quickly, spewing a river of lava from its' mouth to distract its' foes and resuming the chase it had started. Shark Tank is unwilling to stick around when it starts to feel the heat and hurriedly drives away, but Ananta sees an opening. Pivoting to face the lava, the snake shifts its' coils. Dinner would be even better if it was cooked.

But the shifting slightly weakens the snake's grip, and Gatorage thrashes. Ananta is unable to keep its' hold on the writhing giant gator and is forced to let go, but maintains a grip on the gator's mouth.

Unfortunately for Shesa, when we said Gatorage had no sense of self-preservation, we meant it. He'll do ANYTHING to shake off this snake.

Including dunking his own head in lava.

Ananta Shesa is unable to release his grip in time, and is cooked in an instant by the boiling lava. Gatorage wrenches its' head free, suffering awful burns but alive. It staggers away from the lava stream, already itching for something else to murder.

Elsewhere, a battle for a jumping spider takes an unexpected turn. The Jersey Devil continues to cackle, taunting Lavalantula by waving around the helpless Sergeant Spinneret. Lavalantula leaps into the air but falls well short of catching the Devil. Spinneret tries to sink her fangs into the demon, but can't reach. Eventually, the Jersey Devil tires of toying with the spider duo, and tightens his grip on Spinneret to tear her limb from limb.

Bullets tear into the Devil's wings, and the horse-headed nightmare squawks as he drops to the ground. 'RhanaCop slithers into view, wielding both of his guns. He still had unfinished business with this demon. In the chaos, Private Spinneret is able to get free, and she runs away as fast as she can. The Devil screeches at 'RhanaCop and gallops in at the speed of a very fast thing moving very quickly. 'RhanaCop sees that the fight is going to melee and holsters one of his guns, then swings his tail in front of his face protectively. The Devil recoils in time to avoid the saw and nimbly jinks to the side, smashing his hooves against his enemies' solid armor.

Lavalantula and Sergeant Spinneret are united again in the meantime. The jumping spider hops back aboard the tarantula and begins giving orders. The Devil, meanwhile, suddenly gets tossed away from 'RhanaCop with a flick of the fishsnake's tail. With the two separated, Lavalantula eagerly takes the opportunity to fire off more lava at their mutual enemy - ignoring Spinneret's frantic head-shaking and waving of forelimbs. The Jersey Devil is coated in the lava... and laughs. This monster is powered by hellfire and brimstone, and no molten rock of any kind is going to intimidate it.

Surging with new strength, the demon turns back to the now-nervous 'RhanaCop, who starts firing his guns. Jersey Devil ignores the bullets and starts ripping into 'RhanaCop, tearing off an entire chunk of armor. The desperate beast swings its' tail into play again, but the Devil evades and grabs the tail in mid-swing, adding its' own strength to send the saw in a somewhat different direction.

Into 'RhanaCop. 

With their ally killed and their best weapon useless, the spiders flee. The Jersey Devil flexes its' wings and manages to get back in the air with a bit of effort despite the earlier damage. It gives chase...

The Jersey Devil finds that another fight has broken out already. Lavalantula is making threatening gestures at Gatorage, but the significantly larger and impossible-to-daunt reptile is having none of it. He thunders forward, his jaws snapping off a leg tip. The beast briefly gags on tarantula hair, but presses on anyway.

Meanwhile, another thunderous explosion close to the Devil makes it turn to stare down the barrel of Shark Tank as it moves over to challenge him. The Devil leaps onto the tank, taking great joy in seeing that the shark can't hit it from here.

Meanwhile, Lavalantula is running backwards while spewing lava from its' gaping mandibles. Gatorage roars and stomps forward, stepping over pooling magma without a care. Private Spinneret is chittering out directions, but not even she really knows what she's doing any more. Panic has overtaken Team Spider.

Shark Tank would probably panic as well, if it were capable of such a thing. The Jersey Devil is using its' flaming tail as a saw, cutting slowly around the plastic dome's bottom as the turret completely fails to do anything worthwhile. With a grunt, the Devil levers off the dome, leaving Mega Shark's head completely exposed. The Devil idly walks around to behind the shark's head, raises his hooves, and brings them down into... the shark's open mouth.

Mega Shark has managed to arch his head back, and successfully caught the Jersey Devil!

With another flex of its' still-strong neck muscles, Shark Tank swings Jersey Devil up and over in the closest thing to a suplex a disembodied shark head is capable of. The Devil screeches in anger, but no sooner has the shark released his hooves than it goes for the demon's head.

No amount of demonic energy will save you from being decapitated by a shark.

Mega Shark's victory is interrupted by the frustrated bellow of Gatorage. Lavalantula has managed to leap onto the gator's back, and is clinging there. The gator is running around in circles like a really angry dog chasing its' tail. Lavalantula attempts to spray lava onto the gator, but the velocity of the reptile's spinning means the lava flies way off target and smacks against the ground. Finally, Private Spinneret takes the initiative, climbing leg over leg across her tarantula ride and down onto the gator itself. She begins to search for a weak link in his armor to jam her fangs into while Lavalantula keeps the monster distracted.

Seeing both its' remaining foes in one place, Shark Tank lines up a shot. The loss of the thick plastic gives the shark much better eyesight, and its' aim is true as the shot impacts with the gator's back. Gatorage roars at a volume to rattle windows, and thrashes in the dirt in pain. Private Spinneret and Lavalantula see their opportunity and charge towards the wound to fill it with lava and venom, but Gatorage suddenly rolls on the ground, and both are dislodged.

It happens terrifyingly fast. Gatorage scoops up Lavalantula in its' jaws and bites down. Magma is forcibly squirted from the tarantula like a tube of toothpaste, and Private Spinneret is blanketed in magma, with the twitching corpse of her partner slammed into the puddle for good measure.

Its mouth burns, and the wound on its back burns more, but Gatorage is not satisfied. It rounds on the only monster left and charges it. Shark Tank hurriedly fires again, but the shot slams into the ground behind Gatorage, well off the mark. The gator scrambles up onto the tank and sees to his delight that the plastic dome that had frustrated him before is gone. The alligator's jaws lunge forward, but in the alligator's eagerness, he doesn't crush the head in his jaws. Instead, the flicking motion catches on the bottom of the head, and the gator's teeth rip the shark head free from the tank, along with a battery of tubes and cables that still spark with power. For the briefest of moments, the gator's mind allows it a memory: a memory of being killed by a maimed shark. Gatorage lets the anger come back all too willingly, fully prepared to destroy this shark where it failed before. It flings the head off the tank, bellows, and pursues. The head tumbles along a pile of junk before falling away out of sight.

The gator reaches the drop and stares down, looking for the shark head.

It's not there.

Gatorage roars in anger, attacking the surrounding garbage in fury. Not again! The match was won! It was the victor! WHERE IS THE HEAD?

The head was lodged in the engine of a vehicle left to rust at the landfill.

An engine that the head's snaking cables and tubes begin hungrily connecting to as the head assumes control of a new body.

The machine roars to life. Gatorage whips his head to the sound of the noise and hurtles along the ground at top speed, mouth open, roaring his superiority.

From the trash heap, Mega Shark emerges.

Riding a tractor.

Gatorage never stood a chance, for greater forces than he were at work today.

The winner, in an astounding upset, is SHARK TANK! Who is now Shark Tractor or something I guess, I dunno. He's all yours, GaiaCorp!