GB: One downside to FF: Four Heroes - the names have an eight character limit so Josephine is now Josefine
SteelKomodo: boo :<
GB: I was all set to enter the e and *bzzz* and I was like "awww fuck"
TheDeleter: pretend it's a 90's revamp
TheDeleter: edgy and cool
GB: J0Z3f1n3
TheDeleter: xX*so radical*Xx
SteelKomodo: POINTY ELBOWS AND LOTS OF LIGHTNING!
GB: Josephine on a skateboard
GB: ROCKET CHEMIST
TheDeleter: edgy and angry
RedSpy: Oh god xD
GB: Sarahsisters Unleashed
GB: Ariel is now even more enthusiastic
GB: "Like the ancient Mysidians say - don't drink a potion you found in the dark."
TheDeleter: Or wear any girdles you find in dungeons
TheDeleter: seriously who made those things
GB: Don't forget - the more revealing it is, the better the stat boosts
SteelKomodo: oh dear lord those girdles
RedSpy: D: girdles
GB: Josephine: "GET THAT ULTIMATE THONG AWAY FROM ME"
TheDeleter: clearly erebus' power armor is trash tier
TheDeleter: get him a speedo
TheDeleter: for godlike power
---
GB: Four Heroes of Light is a blast so far
SteelKomodo: woot!
GB: it's stereotypical RPG as fuck but I love it anyway
RedSpy: How is it, anyway?
GB: It's basically like one of the old FF games, but with a really simple battle system vaguely like Skies of Arcadia
SteelKomodo: how far are you into it, anyway?
GB: Not terribly far, just unlocked the Black Mage and White Mage jobs
SteelKomodo: ah
GB: You can guess what happened to Sarah
SteelKomodo: of course XD
GB: Unfortunately there are no hammers in this game (at least I haven't seen any yet) so she gets a staff
GB: Although the cool thing is that any class can equip any weapon
GB: So if I wanted her to wield the giant oversized ninja star, she could
SteelKomodo: NINJA SARAH
TheDeleter: lessons from stella
SteelKomodo: LIKE NINJA GAIDEN BUT WITH CAKES AND HAMMERS
GB: Lessee... Josephine's got the ninja star at the moment, Alex has a fuckoff axe, and Pit's got a knife that is also on fire
TheDeleter: but does it shoot lightning too
GB: Unfortunately I haven't found any thunder tomes yet, just Fire, Water, and Aero
SteelKomodo: :<
SteelKomodo: Pit: BEST WEAPON EVER
GB: I had an Earth tome too but the guy who had it was a temporary party member and he left before I could nab it
GB: the jerk
SteelKomodo: D:
---
GB: Hey remember a few months ago when Antoinette got turned into a cat?
SteelKomodo: yeah
SteelKomodo: that was a wierd day
GB: Well I was playing Four Heroes again just barely and uh
TheDeleter: and then turned back
GB: Sarah can now empathize
TheDeleter: uh
TheDeleter: uh what
TheDeleter: oh god
TheDeleter: hahahahahaha
SteelKomodo: XD:
GB: She opened a cursed treasure chest and now she's a cat
GB: And Pit left the party
SteelKomodo: PIT NOOOO D:
GB: It's a cat by itself
TheDeleter: he couldn't handle the catness
GB: He actually left right before the change - he was pissed off at her dragging him around to go treasure hunting
GB: He didn't want to save the town, he didn't want to hunt for treasure, he didn't want to rescue the princess
GB: Pit you're the worst hero ever
GB: And now Sarah is a cat, I hope you're happy
SteelKomodo: D:<
SteelKomodo: I'm ashamed of you, Pit.
GB: I knew I shoulda named him Dirk
SteelKomodo: That's behaviour I'd expect from Dirk.
---
RedSpy 2.0: Ey Goops!
GB: eyyy
TheDeleter: how's it going?
GB: It is going fine
GB: Unless we're talking about the world of Four Heroes of Light, which is just oh my god hahaha
SteelKomodo: oh boy
SteelKomodo: what's happened now?
GB: okay so Sarah The Cat had to strike out on her own after Pit dumped her
GB: Fortunately she had a fairy companion only she could see
GB: Earlier, Pit was wondering why she kept muttering to herself - she was talking to the fairy
TheDeleter: oh man
GB: The fairy looks identical to Navi btw
GB: Then I got into some random encounters, and yes the cat can fight
GB: And it was still a white mage
GB: *insert whitemagecat.jpg here*
GB: So Sarahcat went into this cave and had to fight a bear
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: The bear did 8500 damage with one attack
RedSpy 2.0: wtf Skooks- WTF BEAR D:
GB: So the fairy sacrificed herself to drive away the bear and revive Sarahcat
SteelKomodo: NAVI NO D:
GB: Then she comes out the other side of the cave and meets Alex
TheDeleter: nuuuuuu
GB: SARALEX AT LAST
GB: EXCEPT SHE'S A FUCKING CAT
TheDeleter: whoooo
SteelKomodo: awkwaaaaaard
GB: Alex, of course, does not know it's Sarah
GB: Because cats can't talk
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: So the two strike out and find a giant tree
GB: And then a plant comes out of the ground and implants itself into Alex and now Alex is a plant
SteelKomodo: oh jeez
GB: Then we go back to Pit
GB: "MEAN WHILE"
GB: Pit is starting to get worried about Sarah
GB: This cat walks into his room and he realizes Sarah was cursed to become a cat
GB: IT'S NOT THE SAME CAT
TheDeleter: it's all change!
TheDeleter: XD
GB: And now Pit is running errands to raise money to change the cat back into a human
GB: he is going to be really fucking disappointed
SteelKomodo: ...this sounds like some demented fan fic born of drunken bets.
GB: As if that wasn't enough
GB: While Pit was running errands he ran into Josephine
GB: Who is a depressed wreck who won't join the party
GB: I can only imagine what happened to her while I was playing as the others
SteelKomodo must now collect his brain from that corner over there. Please hold...
SteelKomodo has retrieved his brain.
RedSpy 2.0 's brain is shoved in that corner forever
RedSpy 2.0 blames Skooks
SteelKomodo: SKOOKS
GB: Clearly Skooks is the one who cursed the chest
GB: Because if Sarah wasn't a cat none of this would have happened
---
TheDeleter: hey goops!
GB: yo
TheDeleter: how's things
GB: Absolutely batshit insane thanks to Four Heroes
GB: I think the best part is how it treats everything completely seriously
TheDeleter: hahaha
---
GB: Interested in hearing about more of Pit's fundraising exploits? And cats?
TheDeleter: cats?
TheDeleter: where
GB: Sarahcat and Plantalex and Sadsephine and Pit The Merchant
SteelKomodo: Oh, do tell!
GB: Well when we left Pit, he was trying to raise 10,000 gil to turn Sarah back into a human except he had the wrong cat but didn't know it
SteelKomodo: yeah :<
GB: He got the money by doing some classic RPG sidequests
GB: 1: Slay the Chimera
GB: 2: Sell items to NPCs
GB: And 3: Collect a rare item drop from monsters
SteelKomodo: pfffft
GB: So he pays the sorceror guy and he says to leave the cat overnight
GB: Pit is awoken at midnight by the sounds of terror
GB: The sorceror has unleashed monsters onto the town
GB: And he fled to the north on a boat, kidnapping the cat
SteelKomodo: QUAN CHI D:<
TheDeleter: whoops
GB: Josephine is STILL moping in the town square, but Pit slaps some sense into her so she'll help him fight the monsters
Cornwind Evil: "Here, let me join your party. No one kidnaps a cat on my watch."
GB: After they win, they go back to sleep - but Pit feels bad about the kidnapping so he decides to strike out on his own
GB: This is the second time Josephine has been abandoned in the middle of the night
GB: She is such a woobie in this game
GB: MEANWHILE ALEX IS STILL A PLANT
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: Sarah talks to the elf villagers who can apparently understand cat language and they say any human that steps on their town's boundaries turns into a plant
GB: Animals are immune
GB: So naturally the solution is to turn Alex into an animal
GB: This requires the "Animal Staff", which is in a dungeon.
GB: In the dungeon Sarahcat meets a mouse wizard
GB: As in, a mouse wearing a wizard robe
GB: He joins the party, of course
SteelKomodo: pfffft
GB: They get the staff, and use it on Alex. Guess what animal he turns into
TheDeleter: i don't know
GB: A dog
GB: of course
RedSpy 2.0: . . . And here I thought it'd be a raptor
GB: So Doglex, Sarahcat, and Mouse Wizard go to the Elf Queen to see if she can turn them back into humans and this is a sentence I am actually typing
SteelKomodo: curses
SteelKomodo: yes it is
TheDeleter: what kind of game is this even
GB: And the Elf Queen says only if they help the elves' god, who is this bird guy who's been brainwashed
TheDeleter: like
GB: It's an RPG
TheDeleter: who made this
TheDeleter: what is going on
TheDeleter: this is like a bad acid trip here
Cornwind Evil: Next, you'll be travelling up a gay man's rear end
GB: Well, it's a Final Fantasy spinoff so I guess Squeenix?
TheDeleter: okay
TheDeleter: that explains it!
GB: So anyway next time I play I have to fight a god with a dog, a cat, and a mouse
GB: And the dog is equipped with a bow that shoots fire arrows
GB: And the cat's a white mage and the mouse is a black mage
GB: By the way, during the brief time Josephine was playable again I noticed all her equipment was removed and she was wearing a set of rags
GB: This is going to be the saddest flashback ever
GB: What the HELL happened to her when I wasn't playing as her?! D:
SteelKomodo: i dunno
TheDeleter: it is a mystery
GB: A mystery of sadness
TheDeleter: indeed
GB: I mean, yeah, it's not like the others are doing all that great, but Josephine is just a mess
GB: She's never been the lead
GB: She's been abandoned twice
GB: And she was basically a homeless beggar when Pit found her
GB: Except she didn't even have the confidence to beg
GB: So much more to worry about than a few pounds, Josephine
TheDeleter: that's
TheDeleter: pretty sad
TheDeleter: how does a character get that bad i don't even know
GB: A HERO OF LIGHT
TheDeleter: :<
GB: I'm sure things will pick up for poor Josephine soon
GB: At least I hope so
GB: She better not get shat on the whole game here
Cornwind Evil: Heroes do tend to suffer for it
Cornwind Evil: Look at Zephyrus
GB: Josephine is coming off as the nicest of the four
GB: Pit's a bit jerky, Sarah's a bit selfish, and Alex is kind of a dolt
GB: He got over becoming a dog extraordinarily quickly
RedSpy 2.0: Heroes never get kept down
---
GB: Okay so I fought the bird god
GB: I died
TheDeleter: uh oh
GB: So I fought him again
GB: And died again
SteelKomodo: ...D:
GB: Somewhere around the sixth defeat I realized I needed a few more levels
GB: When they called that bird a god they were not fucking kidding
Saberwulf: oh goops I guess blackberry has a port of FF1 and it reminded me of you
GB: hooray
GB: Eventually I finally killed that winged bastard
SteelKomodo: yay
GB: And Alex and Sarah were finally turned back into humans and Wizard Mouse left the party
TheDeleter: whooo
GB: And the Animal Staff from before got upgraded so they can turn back into animals whenever they want
GB: Because ALL OF A SUDDEN I need to turn into an animal to solve 50% of puzzles
GB: funny how that works
SteelKomodo: pffffft XD
GB: So Alex and Sarah wanted to go to a floating city, because the elf queen said there's a guy there who could save their hometown where everybody was turned to stone, if you recall the blog post
MECHSPOSITION!!! joined the chat
MECHSPOSITION!!! SMASHES DOWN THE WALLS
SteelKomodo: hi spy
TheDeleter: hahahahaha
SteelKomodo: oh yeah, that town
MECHSPOSITION!!!: . . . How the hell
TheDeleter: how do you do it tom
GB: EXCUSE ME I AM REGALING THE CHATZY WITH INSANITY
MECHSPOSITION!!!: I KNOW. AND I'M HERE TO HELP
MECHSPOSITION!!! leaps out of the mech, offers it to Goops
GB: Now before I was so RUDELY interrupted, where was I
GB climbs in
MECHSPOSITION!!! changed name to MechaSpy!!!
GB: OKAY SO
SteelKomodo: the thing about the elf queen
GB: The elf village is inside a giant tree
GB: And so obviously the best way to get to the floating city is to climb to the top of the tree and jump
SteelKomodo: ...wat
GB: Animals jump better, so Sarah and Alex turned into Sarahcat and Doglex again
GB: They jumped
GB: Sarah made it
SteelKomodo: ...D:
GB: Miraculously unharmed but once again alone, Alex ventured north and was promptly killed by a bear
GB: TWO GAME OVERS LATER
GB: he managed to find an ice cave
SteelKomodo: Final Fantasy: Prepare To Die Edition
GB: And found a little hole, which he could fit through if he became a dog
GB: MEANWHILE PIT WAS SAILING A BOTE
SteelKomodo: HE'S ON A BOTE
GB: so he could rescue Random Cat That Isn't Sarah But Pit Doesn't Know That
GB: from that sorceror guy
GB: Turns out Sorceror Guy was hiding in the ice cave
GB: So Pit tracks him down and beats the shit out of him
GB: =D
MechaSpy!!!: That's our Pit!
SteelKomodo: yesssss
GB: BUT THEN
GB: THE SORCEROR SUMMONED A GIANT MONSTER
GB: And it overwhelmed our intrepid reluctant adventurer
SteelKomodo: nuuuuuu D:
GB: Forunately, this was when Alex stumbled into the fight
GB: So he transformed back into a human and helped Pit fight the monster
GB: Who, compared to THAT FUCKING BIRD, was a total pussy
GB: But I think it was just because I had the perfect abilities to fight him with
GB: So they kill the monster and Sorceror Guy gives Pit his 10,000 gil back
SteelKomodo: yessss
GB: And releases the cat, who promptly thanks Pit for saving him by running in the opposite direction
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: So before Alex can tell Pit that THAT IS NOT SARAH YOU IDIOT Pit's already chasing the stupid cat
SteelKomodo: ...Guess Pit has an idiot hair for a reason
GB: And they've chased it all the way to a snowy village, which is where I stopped for today
GB: So nothing bad happened to Josephine, but only because she never fucking showed up
GB: She now has easily the least screentime of the characters
TheDeleter: hahaha
SteelKomodo: poor Josephine
SteelKomodo: hope we find out what happened soon
SteelKomodo: :<
GB: This is what Josephine looks like in this game btw http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a135/Kracko/Mages/FourHeroesYunita.png
GB: Sure, she looks confident now
GB: but then THIS GAME happened
GB: Oh yeah, almost forgot
GB: During the brief time Sarah and Alex were human, Sarah asked Alex about Josephine and said "She was slowing you down so you ditched her, right? You know she can't be alone!"
GB: So she has a long and proud history of being a failure
GB: So I guess something bad DID happen to Josephine retroactively
MechaSpy!!!: Jesus what
TheDeleter: well
TheDeleter: that was
TheDeleter: interesting
GB: Sadesephine
TheDeleter: :<
SteelKomodo: The saddest josephine
GB: I swear, if she got like a million gil and the biggest cake ever for finishing this adventure, it would not make up for the completely disproportionate amount of shit this game likes to dump on her
SteelKomodo: indeed
---
GB: I shall regale ye with what has happened in the land of Four Heroes today
SteelKomodo: yay!
TheDeleter: do tell!
TheDeleter: your gaming stories are a joy to read
GB: LAST TIME ON FINAL FANTASY: FOUR HEROES OF LIGHT
GB: Alex and Pit were chasing a cat
TheDeleter: as you do
GB: They reached a town in the polar region of the world, where it is very snowy
GB: In the center of town was a massive egg
GB: BUT NEVER MIND THAT, WHERE'S THE CAT
TheDeleter: priorities!
GB: They found the cat inside a building, and it had made friends with a girl
GB: Pit tried to ask the girl for the cat, and she said "but we've become such friends!" and Pit says "BUT THAT CAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE"
GB: And Alex is like "Jeez Pit, calm down, it's just a cat. ...Heh, did I tell you about how Sarah became a cat?"
TheDeleter: goops may i ask a question
SteelKomodo: Pit you jerk D:
GB: Pit: "YOU KNEW?!"
GB: go ahead del
TheDeleter: does everyone in this game have some form of mental disorder
TheDeleter: because judging by what you're telling us
TheDeleter: everyone is batshit insane
GB: The shopkeepers seem okay
GB: I think Josephine is fine too
GB: Just clinically depressed and helpless
GB: So Alex finally tells Pit Sarah WAS a cat, but she isn't anymore
GB: "Are you okay, Pit? You look awful pale."
TheDeleter: hahahahahahaha
GB: And then we get the old "why didn't you tell me earlier even though I wasn't listening" gag
SteelKomodo: XD
GB: So with that out of the way, Alex and Pit try to figure out how to get to the floating city to meet Sarah and fix the town where everyone is stone
GB: The girl butts in and suggests the most obvious thing in the world: Ride a dragon
GB: Turns out the egg in town square is A DRAGON EGG
GB: That explains why it's nine feet tall
TheDeleter: do it alex
TheDeleter: ride the dragon
TheDeleter: you are the dragon rider, it's you
GB: So we needed to figure out how to open the egg, and there are two methods
GB: 1: Change class to Thief and steal Mythril from a Mythril turtle
GB: Then make the mythril into a Mythril Hammer and smash open the egg
GB: 2: Go back to that big city clear across the map and buy a Firaga Tome so you can cast Firaga on the egg
GB: I chose Mythril Hammer because, hey, I've been waiting all game for a hammer
TheDeleter: which one is the easiest
GB: I think Mythril would be easier, but could take longer because it's up to chance to get the right drop
GB: Also I didn't wanna blow my cash on Firaga
GB: So Alex gets the hammer made and attacks the egg with it
GB: no damage
GB: it's the toughest egg ever
TheDeleter: oh man
GB: That's when the girl remembers an old tradition in her town
GB: They used to have a dragon festival and played songs on a harp
GB: And one of the songs could make dragon eggs hatch
SteelKomodo: welp
GB: THANKS FOR TELLING ME THAT NOW, ASSHOLE
TheDeleter: hahaha
GB: So she joins the party and we go into a dungeon to get the Dragon Harp
GB: Now here's a weird thing: In SaRahPG there's an early quest where you have to get an item to control dragons
GB: I called it a Dragon Chime, but I was going to change it to Dragon Harp because I didn't have a chime sprite but I had a harp sprite
GB: So seeing the same damn quest in another game kinda freaked me out
TheDeleter: but now
SteelKomodo: WELP
SteelKomodo: looks like it's back to the chime for you :P
GB: I can pretend it's a reference!
GB: The boss guarding the Dragon Harp was a dragon
SteelKomodo: DRAGONCEPTION
GB: Apparently you can only ride baby dragons
GB: Which actually makes sense, because you gotta tame it and all
TheDeleter: we gotta kill a dragon to hatch a dragon
GB: Sometimes you gotta spend dragons to make dragons
TheDeleter: and thus the circle of life continues
GB: hold on a sec, gotta finish making dinner
TheDeleter: kk
GB: We now return to Four Heroes of Light
SteelKomodo: yay!
TheDeleter: whoo
TheDeleter: my favourite show
GB: The girl played the harp and the egg did indeed hatch
GB: And a baby dragon, already flying because that's his only animation, appeared!
GB: So Alex, Pit, and the girl hopped on the dragon and took off for the floating city...
GB: And the game decided that it was time
GB: to play
GB: as Josephine
SteelKomodo: D:
TheDeleter: oh shit son
GB: *scare chord*
SteelKomodo: oh boy
GB: So Josephine wakes up and sees Pit abandoned her
GB: And wonders out loud why she keeps getting ditched
GB: She talks around town and gets some free stuff from the high-ranked merchants who control the town
GB: One guy gives her a sword weaker than the axe she is currently carrying
GB: A girl asks if Pit's her boyfriend.
GB: A Yes/No box popped up
SteelKomodo: ...pfffft
GB: I had Josephine say no, but she acted all flustered and the girl pointed out that she was blushing
TheDeleter: hahahahaha
SteelKomodo: ...oh boy
GB: She gave Josephine a ring but said it was for Pit
TheDeleter: BAR CANON PREDICTED
GB: I had Josephine wear it anyway because this is the first accessory she's gotten all game
SteelKomodo: XD
TheDeleter: :3
GB: There's this NPC outside the item shop
SteelKomodo: oh?
GB: When Pit talked to him, he made polite conversation
GB: When Josephine talked to him, he said "What do you want? Get out of my face, why don't you?"
GB: Sadesephine
SteelKomodo: D:
SteelKomodo: The Saddest Sadsephine
TheDeleter: D:
TheDeleter: why
GB: Now, there's also this Item Storage Shop
GB: Where you can deposit items and retrieve them at any other shop
GB: It's a great way for characters to give each other stuff when they're not together
GB: I removed the dragon egg girl's armor because it's exclusive and those temporary guys don't stay long, and deposited it so Josephine could have it
TheDeleter: hahaha
GB: So with clothes that aren't hers and a ring meant for Pit, Josephine strikes out alone to climb the Sky Tower in the middle of town
GB: And it just so happens that the floating city is passing by overhead
GB: And that's where I left off
GB: Next time: JOSEPHINE DOES A DUNGEON ALL ALONE
SteelKomodo: D:
---
GB: SO
GB: I'm sure you're all wracked with worry about Josephine
SteelKomodo: Yes
MechaSpy!!!: Damn straight
GB: Well, before she could begin her trek up the Sky Tower, she met a guy who would give her Rainbow Boots, which he claimed were "very useful"
GB: But he would only give her them if she gave him some Mythril, so it was time to turtle hunt again
SteelKomodo: let me guess
SteelKomodo: they weren't useful at all
GB: hold on I'm getting to it
GB: So she got the Mythril (it was surprisingly easy and quick) and got the Rainbow Boots
GB: Their description is "allows the user to walk on rainbows"
GB: Because who hasn't wanted to do that
SteelKomodo: pfffft
GB: Josephine climbs the tower, and there is no boss at the end for some reason
GB: But she can see the floating city from here
GB: and guess what's present to use as a bridge?!?!?!?!?!
SteelKomodo: A RAINBOW
Cornwind Evil: In theory, since rainbows are water vapor with light shining through them
MechaSpy!!!: A boss!
GB: GOOD THING I GOT THESE BOOTS
SteelKomodo: YAAAAAAY~
Cornwind Evil: In theory that means you could walk on water and light too
GB: So Josephine was WALKING ON SUNSHINE but the rainbow didn't reach to the top of the island
GB: Which meant she had to go through a cave first
Cornwind Evil: Dragon Warrior: Hey! Hey! I did it first! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
GB: Inside the cave she ran into Sarah and promptly broke down crying with relief
GB: Then they almost died to a random encounter
GB: BUT THEN THE FLOATING CITY AT LAST
SteelKomodo: YAAAAAY
GB: The floating city consists of two people, a squadron of robots, and a bunch of goats
Cornwind Evil: So, Celestia's lab
Cornwind Evil: With Celestia and whoever is hitting on her this week
SteelKomodo: XD
MechaSpy!!!: . . . The goats are hitting on her?
SteelKomodo: ^ *facepalm*
GB: The robots will attack you unless you use the Animal Staff to become an animal
GB: For those interested, Josephine is a bunny
SteelKomodo: :3
GB: And Pit is a chicken
GB: Considering his earlier behavior I'm not surprised
SteelKomodo: pffffft
MechaSpy!!!: "And chicken is more economicaaaaaaaaal!"
GB: Okay so the king of this town is Rolan, and he's the dude the Elf Queen said could save the town
GB: So Sarah and Josephine meet Rolan
GB: And Rolan is a douche
SteelKomodo: D:<
GB: "I never get to see anyone except when something goes wrong, and then you come whining and crying to me for help. Well, I'm not helping! Buzz off!"
SteelKomodo: DDD:<
GB: The robots say that Rolan hates all other human beings because all they ever do is ask him to use his magic to help them
GB: And one of the goats (you can talk to animals when you're an animal) says he's been like this for decades, and lived here for hundreds of years
GB: So obviously Rolan isn't truly human
Cornwind Evil: Sine: If you want to see someone else, DON'T GO LIVE IN A FLOATING CITY.
Cornwind Evil: Sine: Jackass.
GB: Now obviously there's only one thing to do
MechaSpy!!!: And then it turns out Rolan is just the fused form of Zephyrus and Jaxx Tantra
MechaSpy!!!: . . . PECH!?
GB: And that's to go inside Rolan's soul and cleanse him of the darkness so he'll be nice again
SteelKomodo: wat :O
GB: Fortunately there's a portal to Rolan's soul just outside
MechaSpy!!!: . . . Wat
GB: Guarded by the other person in town
SteelKomodo: ...how does that even work?
GB: Who tells Josephine and Sarah to get in there and save Rolan
GB: from himself
MechaSpy!!!: My head hurts
GB: I should also mention there's a big gravestone in the center of town
GB: It's dedicated to the dragon that laid the Dragon Egg
GB: It was Rolan's only friend
SteelKomodo: ...D:
GB: The death of her sent him into his current spiral of insanity
GB: Because he couldn't save her
SteelKomodo: ouch
MechaSpy!!!: Oof, poor Rolan
GB: So inside Rolan's soul the encounters are demon versions of Sarah and Josephine
GB: wearing iron masks
Cornwind Evil: I'm sorry, I kinda got stuck on the soul door just outside.
GB: It's actually a portal on the ground
GB: so it's okay
GB: So Sarah and Josephine meet another Rolan inside Rolan's soul
GB: This is what's left of Nice Rolan, and he joins the party
GB: At the other end of the dungeon is a third Rolan, so I'm just gonna say it:
GB: ROLANCEPTION
SteelKomodo: ...I'm convinced. Everyone who used to work at Square-Enix has been replaced by constantly-tripping hippies.
SteelKomodo: That's the only explanation for all this madness
GB: I have no idea what this third Rolan is supposed to represent, but while the four bicker, something begins to creep up on Rolan III from behind
GB: He panics and merges with Rolan II
GB: Rolan doesn't think he can defeat the boss, but Sarah and Josephine encourage him
GB: The boss fight is two dog skeletons, one covered in fire and one covered in ice
GB: because why not
SteelKomodo: why not
GB: They lost, so I changed up their equipment to guard against fire and ice
GB: After a long fight, our heroes managed to slay the fire dog skeleton
GB: But right before they could kill Ice Dog Skeleton, it resurrected Fire Dog Skeleton with 50% HP
SteelKomodo: ...D:
GB: Despite this setback, they managed to finish off the bosses
GB: And so did Josephine cleanse Rolan's soul and save the town!
GB: yayyyyyy
SteelKomodo: woot!
GB: Except no what actually happened was the darkness escaped from Rolan's Soul and began to darken the sky
GB: you actually thought Josephine was going to be a success
GB: look at you
GB: Instead she caused the apocalypse
SteelKomodo: ...D:
GB: So Rolan II vanishes, Sarah and Josephine head outside, and there's Alex, Pit, and Dragon Girl
GB: Turns out Dragon Girl is Rolan's sister
GB: what a twist
SteelKomodo: welp
GB: But more importantly EVERYONE IS TOGETHER AT LAST
GB: Our four heroes go to Rolan's throne room for some answers, only to find him wearing a spiky crown and covered in darkness, screaming about "disgusting humans"
GB: annnnnd boss fight
GB: And he's resistant to every element
SteelKomodo: shit
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: I had a lot of trouble with his Thundara spells, but the gang managed to wear him down
GB: Dragon Girl runs in and tells her brother to fight the darkness and hang on
GB: She also says she doesn't really care about the world, but she doesn't want Rolan to die so yeah you can go ahead and save it if you want
SteelKomodo: this girl has some odd priorities
Cornwind Evil: "Beat me in your RP? THEN I WILL INVADE YOUR VIDEOGAMES."
GB: And now we finally reach the game's climax: the Four Heroes ride their baby dragon to every town we've already visited to save them
SteelKomodo: I mean, if my brother caused the apocalypse and started screaming about evil, I'd have him put down in a shot
SteelKomodo: You're a pansy, Dragon Girl [tongue]
GB: So next time I finally get to go wherever I want and visit the towns in any order
GB: ADVENTURE HOOOO
---
GB: How about those small town heroes of light
GB: I hear they're having some trouble with those other, rival heroes of light
GB: So, surprisingly, not a lot happened in Four Heroes today, but there's a good reason for that
SteelKomodo: Oh?
GB: As you know, last time darkness enveloped the sky and the world was doomed
GB: because of Josephine
TheDeleter: goddamn it josephine
GB: And as a result the four heroes gotta ride their dragon babby to every town and clear out the evil
GB: If I could name the dragon, it would be Mordred
GB: but I can't
GB: so I didn't
TheDeleter: :<
GB: First stop was the desert town, which was after my blog post but before I started telling you guys about the plot
GB: First time I was here, it was pretty standard stuff really
SteelKomodo: Ah
GB: Town is menaced by a sand demon, get a water spell, attack the sand demon with water, kill it
GB: But during the quest I was joined by this guy named Krinjh who was the last of a race called the Moon People
GB: And after killing the demon it was revealed Krinjh was a ghost
GB: It appears that a side effect of the darkness appearing is that the world has reversed in time by a decade or two
GB: When Sarah realizes this, she gets all excited because it means Navi might still be out there
GB: And in the desert town, Krinjh hasn't died yet
GB: So to save the town, they go through the same dungeons as before but with new enemies
GB: convenient time-saver for the developers, that
GB: (Also all the new enemies are recolors)
GB: And at the bottom of the dungeon is the king of the desert town
GB: HE WAS THE DEMON ALL ALONG
TheDeleter: dun dun duuuun
Saberwulf: gasp
GB: Now, you know how in some games you fight a weak fake boss before the real one shows up?
GB: I had to fight the king as himself, not as a demon, just the king
GB: Three turns later everyone was dead except Pit
SteelKomodo: OAH
SteelKomodo: D:
Saberwulf: wow
GB: And then he transforms into the real boss
GB: Nobody got healed
GB: WHICH MEANS
GB: TODAY WAS GRINDING DAY
TheDeleter: oh god
TheDeleter: don't fuck with the King
GB: Now there's a feature to this game I really like, and it's a big help
GB: Instead of dropping money, enemies drop gems
GB: These gems can be sold or used to upgrade your job class or equipment
GB: Equipment can be upgraded nine times
GB: So I'm farming gems and going to the upgrade shop to upgrade my best stuff nine times
GB: Sarah's robe is the first thing to max out
GB: She takes hits like a tank
GB: 12 defense and 13 magic defense is pretty great in this game
GB: So Sarah's a white mage, Pit's a black mage. Alex is a Merchant, and sadly the hat does not look like David's
Saberwulf: aw
GB: Merchants can make more gems appear, so he's staying as one for the grinding
GB: "gotta get this jink"
GB: That leaves Josephine
GB: Now, if I wanted, I could take all her equipment and make her fight in her skivvies
GB: But not only would that make things stupid hard, I think it's about time for payback
GB: Josephine is the party leader, she's wielding the Mythril Hammer, and her job class is Hero
TheDeleter: i can see where this is going
GB: Heroes wear a big fancy helmet and a suit of armor
GB: When I upgrade this shit nine times, worlds will crumble
GB: The only downside to upgrading is when you upgrade shields. Instead of boosting defensive stats, it just raises the evasion rate by a single point
GB: that's weak
GB: So that's what I'm doing
GB: I am making Josephine a god, and she shall smite everything and everyone who pissed on her earlier in this game
GB: she shall have the last laugh
GB: The villain's lair shall be ablaze, and she shall stand in front of it and laugh
TheDeleter: *applause*
GB: And just you wait until that fucking king gets a load of these guys once they're all pimped out
GB: OAH indeed
SteelKomodo: Woot!
GB: The wheels are in motion for Operation Godsephine
---
GB: So I decided it was time to test Operation Godsephine
SteelKomodo: YAY!
GB: So it was off to the desert dungeon once more
GB: Thanks to leveling up her Hero job class, Josephine now has three new special abilities
GB: The first one is Reckless - this one gives you a powerful strike but lowers your defense for that turn
GB: The second one is Bladeblitz, and it lets Josephine attack every enemy simultaneously
GB: But my favorite is the third one, which is called Wrath
GB: Wrath summons a massive thunderbolt onto the enemy
GB: It's non-elemental and never misses
GB: Josephine does an average of 300 damage with Wrath
SteelKomodo: yeeeees
GB: The King had 500 HP
MechaSpy!!!: Holy shi-
GB: With him out of the way, it was time for the demon fight
TheDeleter: i think she wins
GB: 300 damage with Wrath made one of the bosses' snake heads fall off
SteelKomodo: also someone post in teh baaaaar D:
GB: (It was some kind of cloaked demon with medusa heads)
GB: sure just a sec
SteelKomodo: ah
GB: posted
GB: So what Pit likes to do in battle is to charge up his black magic before casting
GB: So I had him do that, Sarah was busy with preparing a heal
GB: Alex did whatever, he's kind of a filler
GB: The demon attacks and does like 7 damage
GB: GUYS DID I GRIND ENOUGH
GB: I'M NOT SURE I GRINDED ENOUGH
MechaSpy!!!: Its still doing 7
MechaSpy!!!: Not enough
MechaSpy!!!: never enuff dakka
GB: Unfortunately this boss deals in status effects, so Sarah was Silenced
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: With my healer unable to heal, I had to finish this one quickly
GB: Pit cast Lightara
GB: He did 800 damage
SteelKomodo: GO PIT~
GB: The boss began using attacks that hit everybody and lowered stats, and tried to turn Sarah to stone but missed
GB: Josephine had to recharge her energy to use Wrath again, and Pit prepared his magic
GB: Pit got to go first, and did another 700 or so damage
GB: The demon couldn't take any more of this brutality, and its' parting line was "Damn you!" - the first swear all game
SteelKomodo: pfffft
GB: The reward for winning was the Shield of Light
GB: It makes the holder immune to status effects
GB: JUST IN TIME
TheDeleter: hahaha
SteelKomodo: YEAH, RIGHT NOW IS PERFECT, JUST AFTER I BEAT THE STATUS EFFECT CAUSING BOSS
SteelKomodo: XD
GB: Sarah got the shield, since she can use Esuna to heal the others should they be statused
GB: Next stop - the giant tree with the elves!
GB: Oddly enough, there didn't appear to be any problems here
SteelKomodo: woot!
GB: Now remember, the darkness made the worlds go back in time
GB: So the elves were debating whether they should keep out humans or not with that "turn them into a plant" defense system
SteelKomodo: ah
GB: There was a human mage here who was on a quest for magic, and he'd heard the tree held a powerful magic book
SteelKomodo: THE ENCLOSED MAGIC BOOK
GB: The Heroes and this new guy both go looking for it, and Josephine finds the treasure chest, but the mage guy wants to do the honors, so he opens the chest for us
GB: Inside is the Book of Lux, and all I can think about is Morgana goddamn it Erebus
TheDeleter: xD
GB: "LADY OF LUMINOSITY!"
GB: Also inside the chest was BELPHEGOR THE DEMON
GB: Who thanks Random Mage Guy for freeing him
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: And as a reward he's gonna go make the nearby volcano erupt and destroy the elf tree
GB: because that's what demons do, I guess
SteelKomodo: yeah, that's par for the course with demons
GB: Random Mage Guy panics and runs to the Elf Queen for help, and the NPCs are all like "Okay yeah we gotta do that plant barrier thing, stupid humans"
GB: Elf Queen is not happy
GB: So she turns Random Mage Guy into an animal
GB: AND THAT'S HOW MOUSE WIZARD WAS BORN
TheDeleter: TIME PARADOX
GB: No, we went back in time because dark mist, remember?
GB: After Rolan, everything went back a decade or so
GB: So now the heroes must go to the volcano and stop Belphegor. Elf Queen sent the bird god, but she worries he won't be enough
GB: I'm sure he'll be okay though because he's got to be alive ten years in the future for when he gets to murder me six times
GB: fucking bird
SteelKomodo: D:<
GB: Oh yeah, almost forgot to show you guys this
SteelKomodo: oh?
GB: http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a135/Kracko/Decorated%20images/FourHeroesofLightCDCover.jpg
GB: This is the CD cover for the soundtrack
GB: Do you notice anything odd about it, because I did
SteelKomodo: pass
GB: Look at the lineup of our four intrepid adventurers, there
GB: "Pssst. Josephine. Hey. THIS WAY YOU MORON"
GB: Derpsephine
SteelKomodo: oh yeah
SteelKomodo: XD
GB: I just do not understand this game's fascination with singling her out
GB: There are areas in this game where you can talk to the non-leader party members, and switch your lead so you can hear what everyone has to say
SteelKomodo: she'll have some important bearing in the plot, trust me
GB: And after beating the king/demon, Josephine talked about how lucky she was for getting to go on "your adventure"
GB: It's like she's convinced she's the odd one out
GB: If anything, Alex is the oddity - the others all lived and worked at the castle
GB: He's just some kid
---
GB: Also, in Four Heroes I found some enemies named Oceanus
GB: They cannot punch because they are anglerfish
SteelKomodo: they are therefore inferior to ZFRP Oceanus
GB: Well of course they are, Team Kobber slaughtered them with Wrath and Aero spells
TheDeleter: xD
---
GB: ...I love Godsephine
GB: she is wonderful
SteelKomodo: woot!
GB: Hold on, I'll get you a picture
GB: http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100715115135/finalfantasy/images/thumb/6/6b/PartyHero.png/300px-PartyHero.png
GB: there we go
GB: That's Josephine, third from the left
SteelKomodo: yessssss
---
GB: ALL RIGHT
GB: WHO WANTS FOUR HEROES UPDATES
SteelKomodo: ME ME ME
TheDeleter: ME
GB: WHEN WE LAST LEFT OUR INTREPID ADVENTURERS
GB: They had to save the elf tree from drowning in lava
GB: So they had to chase that asshole Belphegor into the volcano, with is named Mt. Gulg
GB: Fun Fact: The volcano Marilith lives in in FF1 is also named Mt. Gulg
GB: CALLBACKS
TheDeleter: WHOOO
GB: Here, the main draw was flipping switches to change lava flow to clear the path
GB: You could just walk across the lava, but it did a LOT of damage
SteelKomodo: D:
SteelKomodo: wait, how can you walk across lava anyway?
GB: Although on one floor I saw the stairs early and was just like "screw it" and charged across
GB: You can walk across lava by being an enormous badass like Sarah, Josephine, Pit, and Alex, of course
SteelKomodo: owch, bet you regretted that
GB: Nah, it wasn't too bad, Sarah used some Cures and we were good to go
GB: At the top of the volcano, there they were - Belphegor was facing off with the elves' bird god, Arboroc
GB: Also on the scene was Mouse Wizard
GB: Belphegor was a squat, hairy demon with a huge head and a massive tail riding a floating chair
GB: The battle begins and not only do I face Belphegor, he's assisted by three enemies called "cubes"
GB: which are literally little brown cubes
GB: The cubes know Firaga
GB: And Belphegor, like all bosses, gets two attacks per turn
GB: So I'm dealing with five attacks every round, here
GB: And Belphegor is invincible until all the cubes are dead
SteelKomodo: D:<
GB: I cannot TELL you how grateful I am that I did that grinding
GB: Unlike the desert boss, Belphegor was actually a real problem with all that shit in his favor
TheDeleter: damn
GB: And Mt. Gulg is the first dungeon all game to not have a save point before the boss, so it was tense
TheDeleter: that sum shit right there
GB: Yes, well, fortunately Pit and Josephine are things
GB: And as the main attacking force they managed to kill the cubes without too much trouble, Sarah healing
GB: (I still haven't settled on a role for poor Alex)
GB: (he was mostly smacking shit for like 50 damage)
SteelKomodo: poor guy :<
GB: So eventually Belphegor goes down, with his death line being stereotypical shock at losing to PUNY HUMANS
GB: I MEAN THEY'RE SO SMALL
GB: AND CUTE
GB: HOW
SteelKomodo: XD
TheDeleter: they're sharp
GB: And the reward is the Book of Lux from earlier, plus Mouse Wizard gets turned back into a human
GB: I was curious as to what Lux did in battle, so I equipped Sarah with it since white mages can cast white magic for less skill points
GB: And normally Lux uses your entire 5 skill points but she can cast it for 4
TheDeleter: huzzah
TheDeleter: so what does she do
GB: Lux doubles your HP, boosts all your other stats, and gives you regen
GB: It works on the entire party
SteelKomodo: that is pretty rad
GB: Next Stop: The city of merchants
GB: This is the place where Pit wound up on his own, and found Homelessephine
SteelKomodo: suddenly DAVID
GB: Now here's the "back in time" thing again
GB: It wasn't a city of merchants a decade in the past
GB: it was a city of faith
GB: white mages everywhere
SteelKomodo: oh boy
GB: Unfortunately, they have a problem
GB: A plague has enveloped the city, and only one guy has the medicine so he charges outrageous prices and people have no choice but to pay
GB: The guy, suspiciously, lives in the same house that had that sorcerer guy who abducted Pit's cat
GB: But yeah, it's not pretty
GB: There are people just lying in the street
GB: The cute blocky graphics almost make it worse
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: But the worst part is who's behind the plague
GB: One of the mages says it reminds him of a similar plague that happened long ago
GB: And the demon who started that plague
GB: Was ZFRP perennial favorite
GB: BEELZEBUB
SteelKomodo: lemme guess
TheDeleter: :P
SteelKomodo: he's back
SteelKomodo: also XD
GB: There's no proof it's Beelzebub
GB: But we know how legends work in Final Fantasy games
GB: It will be the plot twist of the goddamn millennium if Beelzebub is not the culprit
SteelKomodo: yep
GB: So now what the Heroes gotta do
GB: Is go into the nearby cave and find the ingredients to make the medicine
GB: Because when they went to the guy who sells it he told them he was out of stock, but stupidly added "I should go to the caves to the south and get some more."
GB: you dumbass motherfucker
TheDeleter: welp
SteelKomodo: MORON
GB: Also I'm predicting it now: The medicine salesman is Beelzebub in disguise
GB: And I think I know why the town became a city of salesman after being a city of faith
GB: It's because their prayers were doing nothing to stop the plague
GB: A couple NPCs say things along those lines, like "Why isn't God helping D:"
SteelKomodo: it's kinda sad, in a way :<
GB: So yeah this place is a mess and it's time for beezlebeatings
TheDeleter: whoo
---
TheDeleter: tell me about beezlebeatings
TheDeleter: so i may preserve them
TheDeleter: in amber
GB: VERY WELL
GB: today was a big day
GB: As you know, our heroes Sarah, Alex, Pit, and the wonderful Josephine needed to get some medicine
GB: to stop the plague
TheDeleter: indeed
GB: Specifically, this medicine was going to be for the sick daughter of the leader of the four people who run the town
GB: The guy's name is Thauzand
GB: The other three are named Mylion, Bylion, and Trylion
GB: durr hurr hurr
TheDeleter: i sense a pattern
TheDeleter: a disturbance in the force
GB: It made sense when they were all merchants
GB: Now that everyone's a priest/white mage, not so much
GB: So OUR HEROES go into the cave the idiot salesman accidentally told them about
GB: When they get to the bottom, there's the salesman again, and he scolds them for meddling in his affairs
TheDeleter: huzzah
TheDeleter: wait
TheDeleter: oh damn
GB: AND HE TRANSFORMS
TheDeleter: that is not good
GB: INTO
TheDeleter: WELP
GB: an orc
TheDeleter: derp
GB: I was fighting groups of three of these orcs in the dungeon
TheDeleter: dropped the ball there
GB: and the boss is one
GB: just one
GB: So he dies in one hit
GB: MEDICINE GET
TheDeleter: pfft
GB: Josephine leads our squad back to town, and she gives Thauzand's daughter the medicine. She falls asleep.
GB: So the heroes follow her lead, anticipating success tomorrow morning
TheDeleter: oops
GB: No it was good
GB: She was too sick to sleep before
GB: so it's working, right?
GB: THE NEXT DAY
GB: The heroes check in on her
GB: She's delirious and talking about weeping angels
GB: turns out the medicine was a placebo
GB: who knew
TheDeleter: welp
TheDeleter: that sucks
GB: Thauzand interprets the line "The goddess is crying" to mean that their god is upset
GB: Because they haven't been praying enough
GB: Because they were kinda busy with the fucking plague
GB: So Thauzand rounds up the leaders and goes up the Sky Tower to pray
GB: The heroes follow
GB: At the top of the tower is the medicine salesman guy
TheDeleter: wut
GB: And he gloats that everyone, including the leaders, the heroes, and the townsfolk, are doomed
GB: AND HE TRANSFORMS
GB: INTO
GB: ...well uh
GB: They called it Beelzebub, but it's no fucking Beelzebub I've ever seen
TheDeleter: hahahaha
GB: okay so let me attempt to describe "Beelzebub"
GB: Imagine, if you will
GB: A giant, gray-skinned, wrinkly, bald severed old man head
GB: With one eye swollen shut
TheDeleter: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
GB: Wearing a crown
GB: Making the Vagineer face
GB: With a long purple tongue
GB: And eight purple tentacles
GB: THAT'S BEELZEBUB
GB: In fact, have a picture
GB: http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Beelzebub_%28The_4_Heroes_of_Light%29
GB: oh yeah, forgot to mention the lamprey teeth
TheDeleter: lol
TheDeleter: that's one bizzare demon
GB: He was a handful, too
GB: His Defense was sky-high - Josephine was lucky to break 200 damage with Wrath
TheDeleter: ow
GB: Fortunately, his attacks weren't too strong - at first
GB: A ways into the fight, he suddenly floats up into the air
GB: The next turn, he does nothing
GB: just floats there
GB: *OMINOUS*
GB: On the third turn, he suddenly used an attack called "Fall of Angels"
GB: 90 DAMAGE TO EVERYBODY
GB: SARAH IS DED
GB: A Phoenix Down got her back up again, and just as I was recuperating he went into the air again
GB: But now I had an answer
GB: I remembered Lux raises max HP, so Sarah cast it
GB: Now everyone was able to survive
TheDeleter: whoo
TheDeleter: tactics
GB: So Josephine and Pit unload on him and he dies
GB: His parting line is crying
GB: he literally says "boo hoo hoo"
TheDeleter: o_o
GB: and then "how... could... I... lose... to... you...?"
GB: I dunno if he was trying for a rhyme or what
GB: and then ded
GB: The reward was the Cape of Light, which blocks all elements
GB: NEXT STOP: TOWN BY THE SEA
GB: This is where Sarah met that fairy
TheDeleter: whoo
TheDeleter: onwards and upwards
TheDeleter: to adventure
GB: They wander into a cave and the fairy is there, stuck in a spider web
GB: So they free her
GB: And now everyone can see and talk to the fairy, not just Sarah, because I don't fucking know
TheDeleter: magic
TheDeleter: ain't gotta explain shit
GB: because FOUR HEROES
TheDeleter: WHOOOO
GB: So they take the fairy to town
GB: Before the darkness fell, this town was full of painters
GB: Now it's full of glassmakers
GB: Because FOUR HEROES
GB: that works for a lot of things
GB: This dude wants Navi to be part of his sculpture by posing on it for a day
TheDeleter: FOUR HEROES
GB: Navi agrees
TheDeleter: a day?
TheDeleter: a whole day?
GB: Yeah, for the big festival
TheDeleter: come on
TheDeleter: alright then
GB: The festival of glass and shit
GB: THE NEXT MORNING
GB: PIRATES HAVE STOLEN NAVI
GB: BECAUSE FUCKING FOUR GODDAMN HEROES
TheDeleter: whoops
TheDeleter: wow nothing can go right
GB: At least it wasn't Josephine's fault
GB: And so we're off to the pirate's hideout
TheDeleter: that makes a change
GB: The pirate captain is being bossed around by a demon
GB: The demon made him do it
TheDeleter: DEMONS MADE ME DO IT
GB: The demon is also a pussy
TheDeleter: wha
TheDeleter: whaaaaaaaaaa
GB: Yeah, it had less than 1000 HP
GB: 1000 HP is peanuts at this point for bosses
TheDeleter: mhm
TheDeleter: i'm guessing he's not a boss then
GB: Yeah, he didn't even get boss music
GB: Although he was a recolor of the boss Sarah and Pit fought right before she became a cat
TheDeleter: pffft
GB: So the pirate captain gives his thanks and offers the heroes free reign of his treasure room
GB: so much free stuff
GB: One of the items gets a special fanfare
GB: It's an old compass
GB: So it's back to town and oh hey what's this convenient round hole in the art gallery building
GB: Let's put the compass in it
GB: The ground starts shaking
GB: JOSEPHINE WHAT DID YOU DO NOW
TheDeleter: XD
GB: Turns out the town was built on a giant whale
GB: And he's just been woken up
TheDeleter: makes sense
GB: But it's okay, because he's actually a good guy
GB: So we ride the whale out into the sea
GB: AND THEN LEVIATHAN APPEARS
TheDeleter: shit
GB: And Leviathan looks pathetic
GB: It's just this one skinny sea monster head poking out of the water
TheDeleter: :<
GB: So the Heroes get to work
GB: A ways in, there's a noise, and a second head pops up
GB: Now he gets two attacks per turn, but hey no biggie
GB: Then a third head emerges
GB: And a fourth
GB: four attacks per turn
TheDeleter: welp
GB: And then he comes out of the water
GB: And he looks like this
GB: http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Leviathan#Final_Fantasy:_The_4_Heroes_of_Light
GB: these bosses
TheDeleter: oh fack
GB: IT WAS ORGA'S JELLYFISH FORM THE WHOLE TIME
TheDeleter: noooooo
SteelKomodo joined the chat
GB: And THEN it says the boss is "charging" and it starts crackling with electricity
SteelKomodo: eyo
GB: oh hey
GB: I'm in the middle of FOUR HEROES STORYTIME
SteelKomodo: woot!
GB: So I panicked a bit and had everybody go full bore on Leviathan while it was charging
GB: Fortunately that made it lose concentration and the charge stopped
GB: Then it tried charging again, and this time the interruption was caused by IT DYING
GB: It had no fancy last words
GB: This one seemed a bit random compared to the previous ones
SteelKomodo: Giant Leviathan Out of Nowhere
GB: pretty much
GB: NEXT STOP: SNOW VILLAGE
GB: (I played a lot)
GB: (this game is great)
TheDeleter: you did
SteelKomodo: woot!
GB: Now, here's Snow Town's problem
GB: It's too fucking cold
GB: Normally, the town is kept at a reasonable temperature by the nearby Sun Temple, but (you guessed it) there's A NASTY DEMON IN THERE
GB: It's called the Ice Queen, but I'm sure it will reveal itself to have some biblical name like all the others soon enough
GB: The snow town's traditions are in danger because it's so cold the Mother Dragon won't come and lay an egg there like she's supposed to
TheDeleter: well
GB: So the chief of the town tells Dragon Girl, whose actual name I've finally remembered is Rekoteh, to go get the Dragon Seal
TheDeleter: that's a pickle alright
GB: because I guess that will help
GB: Now remember this is ten years in the past, so the mother dragon is still alive and Rekoteh is just a little kid
SteelKomodo: somehow
SteelKomodo: ah
GB: And her dad wants her to go into the dungeon and get the seal
GB: All four heroes remark on what a dick the dad is
GB: Sarah says something interesting - she says that the king always treated her and her sister equally
GB: Now there's been no mention whatsoever of Four Heroes Sarah having a sister until now
GB: WHO IS IT?!?!?!
SteelKomodo: WHO?!?
GB: I DON'T KNOW
GB: I HOPE WE CAN FIND OUT
SteelKomodo: WHOOOOO
GB: So our heroes go into the dungeon to get the dragon seal
GB: It's in the exact same place the Dragon Harp was
GB: It's even guarded by the same goddamn boss
GB: After that blast from the past, Josephine gives the seal to Rekoteh, who shows it to her dad
GB: And he thanks the heroes but tells them not to bother with anything else, because Rolan will do all the work from here
GB: I'm sure you all remember our buddy Rolan
TheDeleter: welp
TheDeleter: our good buddy good friend good pal
GB: He says Rolan can defeat the Ice Queen because he's the legendary hero
TheDeleter: haha yeah right
GB: And Rekoteh flips out
GB: She's all like "YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT ANYONE BUT ROLAN"
GB: "WHAT ABOUT ME"
GB: dammit dad don't play favorites
SteelKomodo: never play favourites in video games
GB: And if you do the opposite and play unfavorites
GB: They turn into superpowered heroes and use Wrath on you
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: So she goes to her room to pout and we're going to ignore that chief idiot and go to the sun temple and kill the Ice Queen
GB: who died and made him chief, anyway
SteelKomodo: the previous chief, I think
GB: AND THAT'S WHERE I LEFT OFF
GB: Bad News: I think I'm getting near the end
GB: Good news: there are four optional dungeons
SteelKomodo: woot!
GB: whee
SteelKomodo: wheeeeee
---
GB: This game has made me have so much more respect for Josephine
MechaSpy!!!: Mhm
GB: Also I found out a little information about the bonus dungeons
GB: They have 100 floors
MechaSpy!!!: Knowing this game
MechaSpy!!!: The party has to ride on Josephine's back for the 100 floors
MechaSpy!!!: And the reward she finds at the top is dead parents
GB: XD
MechaSpy!!!: Because apparently the game is /evil/ to her
GB: It's lightened up on her now that everyone's together
GB: But before that, my god
GB: And the game never told me how she wound up the way she did in that merchant town
GB: With all her equipment removed and wearing some old rags
GB: I think the insinuation is that someone betrayed her trust and mugged her
MechaSpy!!!: The IMPORTANT question
MechaSpy!!!: Did you get the loot back
GB: That's the weird part
GB: She still had her equipment in her inventory, she just wasn't wearing it
GB: Maybe for convenience
MechaSpy!!!: . . . Odd
MechaSpy!!!: Good for gameplay reasons
MechaSpy!!!: But odd
GB: Maybe there was going to be a segment there, but it was cut
GB: Because that would mean more playtime for Josephine
GB: we can't have that
MechaSpy!!!: Indubitably, old chap
---
GB joined the chat
TheDeleter: yo goops
SteelKomodo: ey goops
GB: BREATHE IN BREATHE OUT WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW KEEP ROLAN ROLAN ROLAN ROLAN (WHAT?)
GB: KEEP ROLAN ROLAN ROLAN ROLAN (COME ON)
GB: sorry
TheDeleter: it's okay
TheDeleter: i've had the urge sometimes
GB: GET WELL SOON DEL AND SK'S MOM
TheDeleter: ty :3
SteelKomodo: thanks :3
GB: So does ol uncle GB have to tell a story to you scamps
SteelKomodo: woot!
TheDeleter: huzzah
TheDeleter: do tell unca goops
GB: IF YOU INSIST
GB: Now, we left off at the Sun Temple, which had been taken over by the Ice Queen and it was making Snow Town too cold
GB: This is a Bad Thing (tm)
GB: Inside the Sun Temple our heroes found a Growth Egg
GB: If somebody equips the Growth Egg, everyone gets double exp
TheDeleter: ooh
TheDeleter: neat
TheDeleter: more shineys
GB: so many level ups
SteelKomodo: yay!
GB: And at the bottom of the temple, there it was - the "Ice Queen", who was actually Mammon
TheDeleter: POWER UP
GB: so as to fall in line with the other demon names
GB: Now Mammon seemed pretty normal looking
GB: Basically a woman with fairy wings holding a staff
GB: and oh yeah she has three giant armlike growths bursting from her back, each longer than her entire body
GB: Each arm got a turn, plus two for Mammon herself for five attacks a turn, but they were weak attacks
SteelKomodo: eep
GB: Mammon's gimmick is ridiculously high defensive stats
GB: Wrath did 70 damage
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: But slow and steady should win this race
GB: After enough hits, the arms started falling off, and when they were all gone she stopped flying and started casting confuse spells to try and turn the heroes on each other
GB: She kept confusing Alex for some reason
GB: Sarah just kept healing him
TheDeleter: haha
SteelKomodo: pfffft
GB: And one of the good things about it being a drawn-out fight was that I got to hear the "the boss is almost dead" music for a long time
GB: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42k70uw1yzQ
GB: I love this track
TheDeleter: duuuuun
TheDeleter: duuuuun
TheDeleter: DUUUUUUN
TheDeleter: dunduuuuuuuuun
GB: very dramatic
GB: AND THEN SHE DIED
GB: And jubilations were had by all
GB: except mammon
GB: because she was dead
TheDeleter: yaaaay
TheDeleter: *fireworks*
GB: Now, that meant every town but two were now saved
GB: All that's left is the floating city of Rolan and the hometown
SteelKomodo: wheeee
GB: When it was all over, the chief apologized to Rekoteh, saying the cold made him grow angry and frustrated
GB: And they would go visit Rolan and have a nice time instead of whining about him needing to save everyone for a change
GB: And he gave Josephine the Armor of Light
GB: Which will be wonderful once I've upgraded it but at the moment my current equipment is better
TheDeleter: whoooo
GB: SO SPEAKING OF VISITING ROLAN
GB: back we go to the floating city
GB: he's not there
TheDeleter: oh no!
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: One of the goats says he went into the underground dungeon beneath the city
GB: So our heroes give chase
GB: And there he is at the bottom
GB: He still doesn't want to be the great hero of legend
GB: Fortunately that soul portal is a thing
GB: Inside Rolan's soul is another Rolan, cloaked in darkness and grumbling to himself
TheDeleter: it sure is
TheDeleter: rolan...
TheDeleter: yeah
TheDeleter: you know the gag
SteelKomodo: XD
GB: KEEP ROLAN
GB: So Josephine and Friends begin puring the soul of demon minibosses, and every time one dies Rolan seems to open up a little
GB: It turns out that he was chosen by destiny to be a hero, and everyone hailed him as a hero, and he's upset he never got a say in the process
GB: The Mother Dragon was the only one who understood him
GB: But because he hid behind her all the time, she was eventually killed by evil
SteelKomodo: :<
SteelKomodo: the saddest Rolan
GB: And as the Four Heroes clear out his soul, he realizes he has to follow his calling and be the hero everyone needs
GB: Rolansephine
GB: And finally, at the very center of his soul, only one demon remains
GB: IT'S LUCIFER
TheDeleter: oh
TheDeleter: shit
SteelKomodo: D:
SteelKomodo: shiiiiiit
GB: And I'm thinking maybe I should have done this town first
GB: Because Lucifer was a grade A pussy
GB: *anticlimax*
GB: The dramatic music started after just two turns
GB: He died on turn 3
TheDeleter: hahaha
TheDeleter: yeah i bet you did them in the wrong order
TheDeleter: you broke the game!
GB: Looking at it, I think the order was supposed to be:
GB: Lucifer, Asmodeus (desert king), Mammon, Leviathan, Beelzebub
TheDeleter: you ground too hard
GB: and what was that last one
TheDeleter: and now you pay the price
GB: Oh yeah, Belphegor
GB: He was probably before or after Beelzebub
GB: SO
GB: WE RETURN TO THE HOMETOWN OF HORNE WITH THE SWORD OF LIGHT
GB: We got the sword, the shield, the cape, the armor, the book, and the whale
GB: we are good to go
GB: So it turns out that after the darkness descended, nobody was stone anymore
GB: But that doesn't mean there's no problems here
TheDeleter: whoo
TheDeleter: solve the problems
GB: At this point in time, the queen has just barely given birth to Sarah
GB: babby sarah
SteelKomodo: SARAHBABBY
GB: But she didn't take the rigors of childbirth too well
GB: And she's been bedridden ever since
GB: She's in the castle, lying on her bed, with sarahbabby swaddled up next to her
GB: The king has gone missing
TheDeleter: :<
SteelKomodo: :<
TheDeleter: sarababby nuuuu
GB: Josephine leads the way to the castle basement and finds the king in front of a giant orb of dark magic
GB: He's negotiating a contract with the witch from the beginning of the game
TheDeleter: oh okay then
GB: The deal: She gives him powerful dark magic secrets
GB: And in return
GB: She can have sarahbabby
GB: DUN DUN DUNNNNNN
SteelKomodo: D:<
GB: And now the beginning of the game finally makes sense
TheDeleter: nooooooooo
TheDeleter: don't get rid of sarahbabby
TheDeleter: D:
GB: When we rescued Sarah, the witch turned everyone to stone because the king broke the contract
GB: by taking Sarah back
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: You can't just break contracts, dumbass king
SteelKomodo: everything is bad
TheDeleter: quick
TheDeleter: BURN THE WITCH
GB: So now, in the past, we can make the king NOT do the contract and thus set a path where the town isn't turned to stone
TheDeleter: make sure she weighs less than a duck
GB: But we're not gonna kill Sarah's dad so instead we're back at the witch's mansion
GB: She turns into a griffin again
GB: The heroes lay the smackdown again
GB: And then suddenly Rolan flies in on a dragon
SteelKomodo: ROLAN
GB: And he does the first remotely heroic thing he's done all game by forcing the witch at swordpoint to shred the contract
GB: hooray
TheDeleter: huzzah
GB: Now, Sarah doesn't believe her father is capable of being such a dick
GB: She's convinced he's being possessed, and we've seen several possessions already
GB: In Christian mythology there are seven demon princes of Hell
GB: We've fought six of them
SteelKomodo: ah
GB: The only one remaining is Satan himself
GB: Sarah's dad is satan
SteelKomodo: ...D:
GB: SO WE GOTTA DRIVE HIM OUT
GB: But since there are no portals to his soul lying around, we need a different method
SteelKomodo: and then it turns out no, Sarah's dad is not Satan
SteelKomodo: ./jk
GB: That method is a magic lamp that can reveal the truth behind anything
GB: It's called the LAMP OF TRUTH
GB: The lamp is conveniently located in the witch's basement
SteelKomodo: HOW CONVINIENT
SteelKomodo: damnit caps lock
GB: Down go the heroes, who find the treasure chest
GB: But they're ambushed by clones of themselves!
SteelKomodo: clones D:
GB: Evil Alex, Evil Pit, Evil Sarah and Evil Josephine attack
GB: They each get to attack twice
GB: everyone is ded
TheDeleter: oh lawd
TheDeleter: TIME TO GRIND
GB: not quite
GB: I just needed to change up some equipment
GB: Once everyone had a shield to resist Dark element attacks, we were good to go
GB: Thus the clones were slain and the LAMP OF TRUTH was acquired
GB: Our heroes rush to the basement of the castle, only to find that a giant gate has blocked off the room the king was in
GB: And upon the gate
GB: was an engraving of
GB: a sheep
SteelKomodo: SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
GB: baa
GB: Now, at the very beginning of the game
GB: There was a sheepherder
GB: And he said to Alex, "I know the best way to take care of sheep"
TheDeleter: oh boy
GB: "First you pat the nose, then stroke the right flank, then stroke the left flank, and finally tug the tail!"
SteelKomodo: ...um
SteelKomodo: i
GB: TWENTY FIVE HOURS OF GAMEPLAY LATER
SteelKomodo: don't know anymore
TheDeleter: wh
TheDeleter: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
GB: The basement contains four sheep statues
TheDeleter: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
GB: Each facing a cardinal direction
GB: FIRST WE PET THE NOSE
GB: THEN WE STROKE THE RIGHT FLANK
SteelKomodo: BUT WHICH NOSE D:
GB: The one facing the screen
GB: THEN THE LEFT FLANK
GB: AND TUG THE TAIL
GB: brb
SteelKomodo: kk
SteelKomodo: ...I think his own game broke his mind
GB: back
SteelKomodo: wb
GB: so yeah
GB: that's how you remove the sheep gate
SteelKomodo: MADNESS
TheDeleter: i
TheDeleter: waT
TheDeleter: i do not understand]
GB: But I must have done it wrong because when I went back there the gate was still in place so I have to do it again
GB: So I saved there
GB: just when you thought you had Four Heroes of light figured out
SteelKomodo: SHEEEEEEEP
GB: sheep happened
TheDeleter: sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
SteelKomodo: curse you, sheep
SteelKomodo: curse you
GB: on the bright side
GB: sarahbabby
SteelKomodo: :3
TheDeleter: :3
GB: Oh, and I found Sarah's sister
GB: It's just a princess NPC
GB: I was hoping it'd be Josephine or something else shocking
TheDeleter: oh noooo
SteelKomodo: nope.avi
TheDeleter: what a waste of a plot point!
TheDeleter: well
TheDeleter: actually
TheDeleter: i know why it was a plot point
TheDeleter: because you went through the game backwards
TheDeleter: and you should have met the sister before sarah mentioned about her
GB: Yeah, she was in an easy-to-miss side room in the castle
GB: Maybe I actually DID meet her in the first half-hour but she was so forgettable I didn't remember
TheDeleter: welp
GB: Hopefully this altered future saves the family
GB: In the current present, Sarah's mom did not survive the childbirth
SteelKomodo: hope so too
SteelKomodo: D:
GB: So we're saving both parents here
TheDeleter: save the parents, save the babby
GB: saving everbody up in here
SteelKomodo: SAVE THE BABBY, SAVE THE WORLD
TheDeleter: NO-ONE LEFT BEHIND
SteelKomodo: yeah, that reference won't seem dated at all :P
GB: Also Alex's mom thinks he looks oddly familiar
GB: He's either not born yet or a babby
SteelKomodo: DON'T LET ALEX MEET BABBY ALEX
SteelKomodo: TIME PARADOX
GB: That must be why I couldn't examine sarahbabby
SteelKomodo: yeah, that's a popular thing about time travel
GB: It was even in Zoofights!
SteelKomodo: a popular rule is that you're not allowed to interact too much with your past self
SteelKomodo: or you'll give the space-time continuum more holes than a swiss cheese
GB: DON'T LET THE SNAKE PILGRIMS TOUCH
GB: IT MADE HIM ALMOST LOSE TO HALF A WARTHOG
TheDeleter: hahaha
---
MechaSpy!!!: So how's Sadsephine?
GB: Well like I said, she's actually avoided any horrors since the group finally joined together
GB: Because now the game is less focused on individuals and more on what they can do as a team
MechaSpy!!!: Ah
GB: Although I won't be surprised if she opens a treasure chest on floor 100 of the bonus dungeon and it's just a note that says "UR MR GAY"
GB: "also fat"
MechaSpy!!!: PFFT
GB: That's not to say it's been all sunshine and rainbows for our heroes, though
GB: Are you caught up?
MechaSpy!!!: mhm
GB: all righty then
GB: Although I wish the brit bros were here too, their commentary is wonderful
MechaSpy!!!: Yeah, same
GB: So, having solved the riddle of the sheep, our heroes progressed to the chamber where the king had been negotiating his contract
GB: It was time for THE LAMP OF TRUTH
MechaSpy!!!: YAY!
GB: The lamp shone onto the king and revealed that he was not the king
GB: he was Satan
MechaSpy!!!: DUN DUN DUUUN
GB: In this game, Satan is a big burly dude with horns and four arms
GB: And every arm wields a sword
MechaSpy!!!: And every sword is capped with a fist
GB: Now, Satan's gimmick is that every three turns he changes his fighting stance
GB: In one stance, he likes to use physical attacks and is invincible against magic
GB: In the other, he throws out lots of magic and is invincible to physical strikes
GB: It mostly just made the fight longer because Pit could only cast his magic and Josephine her Wrath when he was in one of his forms
MechaSpy!!!: So he's the wizard from Castle Crashers
GB: pretty much
GB: Except he only has one form instead of eight thousand
MechaSpy!!!: Including the fat stupid blimp
GB: an obese zeppelin
GB: So Satan was killed
GB: It was surprisingly easy to kill Satan
GB: So with him out of the way, we still had a problem: Where's the real king?
GB: In Alex's house, at the very beginning of the game, we see that Alex has a pet
GB: It's a parrot
GB: After Satan dies the parrot flies into the room and turns into the king
GB: PROBLEM SOLVED
MechaSpy!!!: Da-fuuuq
GB: Alex says "My PARROT was the King of Horne?! You could blow me down with a feather!"
MechaSpy!!!: ...
GB: could you possibly be any more antiquated, Alex
GB: "MY PARROT WAS THE KING, AIN'T THAT THE CAT'S PAJAMAS"
GB: "Killing all these demons was the bee's knees"
GB: "23 skidoo"
GB: Our reward is a black magic book to pair with Lux
MechaSpy!!!: "I do say!"
GB: This spell is called Devastator. If you're familiar with the Final Fantasy spell Meteor, Devastator is basically the same thing
GB: A random number of meteors crash into the target
MechaSpy!!!: YES!
GB: Doing somewhere between a decent amount and an absolute buttload, depending on how many meteors you get and how big they are
GB: So Pit got that since black mages can cast black magic for less points
GB: Immediately after getting the book, the earth begins shaking
GB: Satan was not the head honcho
GB: there is... another
MechaSpy!!!: HELLA JEFF!?
GB: WORSE
GB: In the middle of the ocean, the earth splits open and a large dome surfaces
GB: One of the NPCs remembers the legend
MechaSpy!!!: THE MOTHERFUCKIN' MARTIAN!?
GB: WORSE
GB: Long ago, the original Rolan, the true hero, sealed him away
GB: The current Rolan is but a successor
MechaSpy!!!: . . . ROLAAAAAAAAN
GB: But sealing away doesn't equal killing
GB: The true leader and final boss of the game's name is...
GB: THE DARK LORD
MechaSpy!!!: . . . Oh god no
GB: mm hmmmmm
GB: Cornwind wasn't kidding when he said he'd invade our games
MechaSpy!!!: Mein gott
GB: The Dark Lord's first act upon awakening is to steal all our jobs and revive all seven demons
MechaSpy!!!: . . . THEY TOOK OUR JERBS
GB: no more hood for Sarah
GB: No hat for Pit
GB: Josephine is no longer a hero
GB: Everyone's back to being a jobless "Freelancer"
GB: and freelancers are terrible
GB: Naturally, there's just one thing to do, and that's to beat the shit out of the demons one more time to take back our jerbs
MechaSpy!!!: Yay!
GB: So our heroes enter the dome, which is called the STAR CHAMBER
GB: Here you can explore the dungeon and fight the seven demons in any order you want
GB: I decided to kick things off with Asmodeus, the one who pretended to be the desert king
GB: Master of Status Effects
MechaSpy!!!: Dat stat
GB: No jerbs was a big hamper on fighting
GB: White Mages can cast Cure every turn indefinitely without running out of action points, and have an ability that lets you cast cure on everybody at once
TheDeleter joined the chat
GB: oh hey del
GB: it's story time
TheDeleter: is it
TheDeleter: fantastic
TheDeleter: do tell unca goops
GB: things just got serious
GB: So yeah, without jerbs everybody was much poorer at doing what they were supposed to do, so it was good that everyone had great equipment
GB: Especially the Shield of Light and a Ribbon I had Josephine wear, because those things block bad status
MechaSpy!!!: And grinding!
GB: also grinding
GB: Everyone's in the mid-50s in terms of level
TheDeleter: shit has gotten pretty serious it looks like
GB: Yeah, this is it
GB: It's gonna be Sarah, Pit, Alex, and Josephine vs The Lord
TheDeleter: aw yeeeeeee
GB: Also another ZFRP character showed up
GB: Nues are random enemies
MechaSpy!!!: NUES
MechaSpy!!!: NUES EVERYWHERE
GB: It's a recolored chimera
TheDeleter: oh god
TheDeleter: D:
GB: Basically a goat head, a lion head, bat wings and a snake tail
GB: And unlike most enemies, Nues get to attack twice per turn
GB: because two heads
TheDeleter: double head
TheDeleter: double trouble
GB: "YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE FEAR, SATAN"
GB: "JUST KILL JOSEPHINE YOU"
GB: "YOU"
GB: "DOUBLE HEAD"
MechaSpy!!!: Two heads
MechaSpy!!!: Omaigawd
GB: After defeating Asmodeus I reclaimed three jerbs
TheDeleter: whooo
GB: Wayfarer, Black Mage, and White Mage
TheDeleter: great jerb goops
GB: so the two best jerbs are back right there
MechaSpy!!!: Oh gee, two of the three that actually matter
GB: Next up, it was time for more beezlebeatings
TheDeleter: tell me more things unca goops
TheDeleter: (i'm gonna keep calling you that)
GB: Well like I said, Beezlebeatings
TheDeleter: (and never stop)
GB: You, SK, and Spy are Huey, Dewey, and Louie
TheDeleter: DUCK TALES
TheDeleter: WOO HOO
GB: fak u uncl dolan
GB: ANYWAY
GB: Lux is absolutely essential for survival in these fights
GB: That extra HP and stat boost is pretty much required, grinding or no grinding
TheDeleter: wait shit oh god
TheDeleter: you know about those comics?!
GB: I've seen the entire completely deranged youtube miniseries
GB: beezle pls
TheDeleter: oh god
SteelKomodo joined the chat
GB: SK
SteelKomodo: eyo
GB: QUICK HIT REVIEW MODE AND READ
TheDeleter: yo bro
GB: BIG SHIT HAPPENED
SteelKomodo: *does so*
GB: BIG TROUBLE
SteelKomodo: whooo!
GB: COME AT ME, MR. EVIL MIDNIGHT
SteelKomodo: THE LORD D:<
GB: figures he's the final boss
GB: He never got to decapitate Sarah so now's his chance
GB: BUT FIRST I HAVE TO KILL THIS SQUID HEAD LAMPREY THING
SteelKomodo: XD
GB: So ol' Bub starts preparing his supermove, Fall of Angels
GB: But while he's floating in the air, Pit casts Devastator
TheDeleter: HE'LL NEVER GET IT
GB: Apparently if you can do enough damage while he's floating, you can prevent Fall of Angels from going off
SteelKomodo: woot!
GB: Instead he used "Beezlebomb!" and did 800 damage to himself
GB: derp
SteelKomodo: what a derp
TheDeleter: derp!
GB: he bombed, all right
GB: NEXT, MAMMON AGAIN
GB: MAMMAGAIN
GB: She's a bit of a wuss if you've got Ice resistance
GB: The regen you get from Lux was enough to keep the team at max HP, so Sarah devoted her time to ATTACKING
GB: She did 2 damage
SteelKomodo: D:
TheDeleter: well
TheDeleter: the more the merrier
GB: Pit did most of the work with Devastator
GB: But Josephine struck the final blow
GB: 3 down, 4 to go
GB: Next time I'll go after Lucifer, Belphegor, Leviathan and Satan
TheDeleter: awesome
SteelKomodo: yaaay!
GB: One other thing - One of the shops is selling an axe named Hercules
GB: My best weapon is 26 attack
SteelKomodo: pffffft
TheDeleter: who put the glad in gladiator?
GB: Hercules has 50 attack
SteelKomodo: ...get it now
GB: BUT
GB: Every weapon has a hidden accuracy stat
GB: I was suspicious of why Hercules is so much better than all the other weapons so I looked it up
GB: Hercules has 10% accuracy
TheDeleter: shitty accuracy
SteelKomodo: D:
TheDeleter: SHITTY WIZARD
GB: A fucking Pinsir spamming Guillotine is more dangerous than Hercules
TheDeleter: </dotajokes>
GB: </pokemonjokes>
SteelKomodo: (ihasnojokes :< )
GB: I didn't has any jerbs but I got them back
GB: Sarah is so happy to have her hood again
TheDeleter: yaaaay
GB: Now I just need to re-unlock Hero so Josephine can go back to using Wrath
---
GB: doot da doo, farting around on Final Fantasy Wiki
GB: let's see what we got h-
GB: ...
SteelKomodo: what
GB: A sequel to the game was considered by the development team, and eventually evolved into the upcoming Bravely Default: Flying Fairy.
GB: Bravely Default: Flying Fairy is the successor of Final Fantasy: The 4 Heroes of Light, a "gaiden" or "spin-off" of the main Final Fantasy series. It was released for the Nintendo 3DS console in Japan.
GB: oh shit son
SteelKomodo: oh boy
GB: there is
GB: another
TheDeleter: oh dear lawd
GB: Monk, White Mage, and Black Mage will be among the first jobs gained early on in the game.
GB: herewegoagain.jpg
GB: Hmm, the female black mage costume in this one looks kinda witch-y. MORGANA?
SteelKomodo: so um
SteelKomodo: what's up, you lot?
GB: Well I'm about two dozen random encounters away from the final boss
SteelKomodo: yay!
GB: The gang is somewhere around level 58-59
GB: Nothing ridiculous happened, really
GB: Except that Satan killed everybody the first time I rematched him
GB: And for some weird reason, Lucifer is nowhere to be found...
SteelKomodo: :<
---
GB: guys
GB: I won, guys
SteelKomodo: Yesssssssss
RedSpy: YOU BEAT
RedSpy: THE OPPOSING SPORTS TEAM!?!?!
GB: All eight of those fuckers
RedSpy: 8 on 4?
RedSpy: Worst. Sports bowl. Ever.
Saberwulf: Now you're the Pokemon master
GB: More like 4 on 1 eight times
GB: It had everything
Saberwulf: You intercepted that scrimmage like a blood
GB: Drama
GB: Comedy
RedSpy: Dramady
RedSpy: Comema
GB: Terrible things happening to Josephine
RedSpy: Blants?
---
GB: OKAY
GB: I would like
GB: (if I may)
GB: to take you
GB: on a strange journey
Saberwulf: I enjoy strange journeys
RedSpy: That was a fun game
Erebus: I....must miss the journey, sadly. Hopping off, gonna go drive for like wo hours yaaaay
Erebus: See you all later
GB: aww
RedSpy: D: Bus noooo
GB: I'll direct you to the blog later
TheDeleter: oh well, at least vampire revolution is kinda sorted!
GB: Erebus shall learn the sadness of Josephine
TheDeleter: later bus, stay cool!
GB: FINALLY
RedSpy: The Saddest Sadsephine
GB: After a long, long journey
GB: And about 28 hours of playtime
GB: All of the demon princes had fallen again
GB: (except Lucifer for some reason)
GB: Josephine, level 59 Hero
RedSpy: He's too busy being in the sky
GB: Alex, level 59 Merchant
RedSpy: With diamonds
GB: Sarah, level 59 White Mage
GB: And Pit, level 59 Black Mage
GB: A new set of stairs had appeared, leading deeper into the Star Chamber, so they descended unflinchingly
GB: "But it's kinda-" I SAID UNFLINCHINGLY, SARAH
GB: Suddenly the cave is no longer a cave
GB: Instead we're in space
RedSpy: Its the man your man could look like
RedSpy: He's the final boss
RedSpy: He's riding a horse made of diamonds. Backwards
GB: I'm on a dragon.
RedSpy: The horse's name is Butt Stallion
TheDeleter: doot doot doot do dot doot doo doo
GB: The space area is basically walking on stars and going from warp to warp all over the area
Saberwulf: baby with a very old face THAT'S A SLO A BLAST PROCESSED SKELLINGTON AHHHHH
GB: No new enemies here, although I should finally mention the dog with wings that pisses on you for its special move
Saberwulf: ahaha
RedSpy: . . . Wat
GB: You don't see the pee
GB: But it lifts it's leg and the attack is called "Marking" so there's really no doubt what it's doing
GB: It does no damage, but lowers your stats
GB: "MON DIEU"
RedSpy: JARATE!?
RedSpy: NOOOOOO!
TheDeleter: I HAVE BEEN SHOWN WHO IS THE BAWSS
GB: At the end of it all is the Dark Lord
GB: And he looks like a magician
GB: He's got a cape and top hat and gloves, everything
RedSpy: And then he was killed by the real final boss, Cyber-Akuma
GB: Turns out Dark Lord is only a nickname. His real name is Chaos
GB: And that's how Garland has uncomfortably inserted himself into the adventure
RedSpy: Why are his legs pencils
RedSpy: Did the Lord possess a Staples?
GB: The Lord takes many forms
GB: ...Wonder what he'd think of Sarahcat, actually
GB: ANYWAY
GB: Chaos begins his speech
TheDeleter: a speech
TheDeleter: a speech
GB: And I am not shitting you, it is literally almost word-for-word Lord of the Night's reasonings and personality without the bible quotes
TheDeleter: a speech from garland
RedSpy: Wow, really?
GB: He hates humans because they are evil, twisted creatures
GB: They cause wars
GB: They abuse one another
GB: They're ignorant of truth
GB: Chaos is inside every bad thought, every foul deed
RedSpy: He is everywhere at once
GB: And he feeds on anger, suffering, and strife
RedSpy: AND HE WILL CUT YOU UP
TheDeleter: that doesn't speak well for either of them
GB: It is LITERALLY the Lord of the Night
GB: The battle begins, and thanks to my equipping of shields and capes that block Light and Dark spells, he's not too troublesome
Saberwulf: CW being unoriginal in villain speeches? Perish the thought
GB: Maybe CW did crib from someone, but I highly doubt it was this game
GB: He's been here for a couple of my playthrough spergs and he's never played it
GB: And so Chaos is killed
GB: BUT THEN
GB: He revives himself as a grotesque monster that reminded me vaguely of Zeromus from FF4
GB: And challenges the party again
GB: This form was a bit tougher, but thanks to the Lux spell and lots of white magic and black magic, Chaos was killed again
GB: And then he starts laughing
GB: Our heroes are fucking exhausted, and Sarah says she feels like giving up
GB: Chaos revels in their pessimism
RedSpy: Really Sarah? Really?
GB: And that's when it's time for the heavy-duty RPG cliche: NPCs appearing as spirits to urge the heroes onward and heal them
GB: The party is fully healed, and thrust into battle against a third form of Chaos
GB: This one is some sort of city-sized eldritch abomination with no recognizable face
GB: One hand attacks physically, another throws out status spells
GB: After enough damage, both hands are destroyed
RedSpy: Hi Cackletta
GB: yeah basically
GB: That leaves the body
TheDeleter: final bosses!
GB: The body knows powerful spells of every element
GB: It also knows a spell called Black Hole
GB: Chaos used Black Hole on Josephine
GB: She vanished
GB: No commands, no damage
GB: just completely erased from existence
RedSpy: Holy shit
GB: A few turns later he used Black Hole again
TheDeleter: oh god
GB: And Alex was gone
TheDeleter: fffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
RedSpy: And then Park Dit saves the day
GB: Now it was time for a move called Big Bang
Saberwulf: holy shit
GB: This one killed Pit
GB: Sarah stood alone
RedSpy: PARK DIT NOOOO
GB: I gave Sarah a spell called Arise that fully heals and revives a fallen party member
GB: This was the first time I'd had to use it all game
GB: But the death had robbed Pit of the stat boost from Lux, so he was still in big trouble
GB: Just when things looked hopeless
GB: JOSEPHINE EMERGED FROM THE BLACK HOLE
GB: Alex appeared shortly after
RedSpy: OH SHIT SON
GB: And Alex cast Lux, because I decided he should do it so Sarah could focus completely on healing
GB: In short order, everyone's back up, on the battlefield, at full health with stat boosts
GB: come at me bro
RedSpy: Aww yah
GB: It was a long, torturous struggle
GB: Chaos started healing himself for 400 HP every turn
GB: But every attack turn he used for healing was one he wasn't using to pummel our heroes
GB: And Pit could out-damage him with Devastator
GB: Finally, after one last meteor shower, everything stops
GB: "You earned 1022 experience points!"
GB: Then Chaos starts an attack
GB: It's called "Bigger Bang"
GB: Everything goes white
TheDeleter: shit
GB: "I was defeated... again."
GB: "Defeated by pathetic, tiny humans... again."
GB: And then he goes into an As Long As There Is Evil bit
GB: The entire dungeon begins self-destructing
GB: And there's no sound playing at all
GB: There's no possible way our heroes can get out in time
GB: FORTUNATELY THAT IS WHY THEY HAVE A DRAGON
GB: THE DRAGON FLIES INTO THE DUNGEON
GB: JOSEPHINE JUMPS ON, EVERYONE ELSE FOLLOWS
GB: And Josephine, Alex, Sarah, Pit, the dragon and the city/whale watch from a safe distance as the Star Chamber collapses on itself
GB: Now I know what you're thinking
RedSpy: Yay!
GB: "Not enough bad things happened to Josephine."
TheDeleter: hahahaha
GB: Just hold on, it's coming
GB: Alex cheerfully declares the adventure over
GB: But Josephine is concerned about what Chaos said, how he'd return
GB: Pit says "So what?"
GB: Sarah says "We weren't anyone special, and WE stopped him!"
GB: Alex realizes what they should do is return the artifacts of heroes (armor, Lux, sword, etc) back to their rightful places
GB: So that the next generation of heroes can receive them for whatever evil strikes next
GB: Herein lies the rub
GB: The ending cutscene is our heroes going to every town and returning the super-equipment
GB: When they gave back the shield, it disappeared from Sarah's arm
GB: When they gave back the sword, it disappeared from Josephine's back
TheDeleter: oh man
GB: Do you see where this is headed?
TheDeleter: you gave Josephine all the equipment didn't you
GB: They went back to the snow village to return the Armor of Light
GB: And so there is Josephine, team leader and proud hero
GB: in the coldest village on the planet
GB: in her underwear
RedSpy: Waaa waaaa waaaaaaaaaaa
GB: in front of everyone
GB: All it needed was for someone to comment on her weight
GB: What a way to end the game
GB: AND SO they finish their world tour by returning to Horne, the hometown
GB: The king is relieved to have Sarah back, and amazed she's become such a warrior
GB: But she's a princess
GB: So now it's time for BORING PRINCESS ETIQUETTE AND SHIT
TheDeleter: yaaay
GB: But then
GB: The dragon calls from outside
GB: Alex and Pit jump at the call of adventure
GB: And Sarah puts her foot down and says, dammit, she's going too
GB: Everyone turns to look at Josephine
GB: still in her undies
GB: The king wants Josephine to stop Sarah
GB: Alex asks her to come with her friends, her REAL friends
GB: There is a pause
GB: Perhaps Josephine is reflecting on everything that happened to her over the course of this adventure
GB: Perhaps she's just now realizing she's almost naked
GB: Naked? NAKED? FUCK NAKED!
GB: And so our heroes triumphantly run towards the screen, fade to black, roll credits
RedSpy: UP UP AND AWAY, FALCOR
RedSpy: TO THE CLOTHES STORE
GB: and luckily
Saberwulf: yaaaaaaaaaaayyyy
GB: When I started the game again after the credits
GB: I still had all the super-equipment
GB: It was just unequipped
GB: That leaves the four Bonus Towers
GB: 100 floors each of randomized stair hunting
GB: And every floor is bigger than the floor before
RedSpy: And so our heroes
RedSpy: Have stolen the legendary equipment for the lulz
RedSpy: And allowed Chaos to return unopposed
GB: Nah, they're just borrowing them
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