Bree: in other news I want to tell you guys the brief but dramatic story of Mexican Soda
Bree: are you ready
RubyChao: yes i am
Jumpropeman: tell us of Mexisoda
Bree: right, the Tale of Mexican Soda
Bree: so there's a Mexican brand of soda that I happen to like. it's sold in the "Latin foods" section of the local stores
Bree: I first tried it at Blue's because her mother has dated several Hispanics so naturally they tend to have a lot of Hispanic foods and beverages around the house
Bree: I usually buy two-liter bottles of the fruit punch flavor and it's fucking delicious and I usually drink it in about a day
Bree: it's just so damn good
Gooper Blooper: What's the soda's name?
Reading review pages: Is it one of the Jarritos, or another kind? -eyes own drink-
Bree: yes, Jarritos
Reading review pages: They're good.
Bree: hell yeah
Reading review pages finishes off his Mandarina
Bree: and it's a rare treat since it costs more than other sodas at the store so I basically inhale it
Gooper Blooper: inhale my soda enragement american
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: dios mio
Bree: I get fruit punch flavor but we were at the store about three months ago
Bree: (this story is Bree's version of the Ron Paul sign)
Bree: no wait more than three months
Bree: like sometime last year
Gooper Blooper: (oh god)
Bree: december probably
Bree: anyway
Gooper Blooper: (RON PAUL SIGN UPDATE: it's still up)
Jumpropeman: when will they replace it with Rand Paul is the question
Bree: we were there and I asked for some Jarritos but they didn't have any two-liter bottles and I asked my mom "can I get a small bottle, I want to try a new flavor"
Bree: she said sure
Bree: this soda, it only comes in two sizes, at least as far as I can tell
Bree: there's two-liter bottles with normal plastic twist caps like any ordinary bottle of soda
Bree: and then there's the above-pictured 12.5 oz glass bottles with bottlecaps
Bree: so I got a small bottle of one of those in the Lime flavor
Bree: so I take this soda home and the next day I wanna drink it and I go "mom where's the bottle opener?"
Bree: she's like "oh we don't have one"
Bree: I'm like "wat, but I bought this drink with a bottlecap"
Bree: she just "welp"s at me and suggests opening it with the scissors
Gooper Blooper: lel
Bree: my mom: best parent
Jumpropeman: oh lawd
Bree: 100% safe plan
Bree: I try it but I'm a wuss so I don't try too hard because I'm afraid of horrifically murdering myself
Bree: so I give the thing to my mom and I'm like "mom open this pls :<"
Bree: she makes a valiant effort but no dice
Jumpropeman: is Jarrito spanish for "impossible to open"
Bree: next she attempts to pry off the bottlecap with the back end of a hammer
Bree: another fail
Bree: the soda is returned to the fridge
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: i think it sounds like the spanish tried to condense a dorito in a jar
Bree: the bree drinks something else that day
Gooper Blooper: I'm reminded of that one atari screw
Bree: now we made numerous trips to the store but we never bought a bottlecap opener because ???????????????????????????????????????????????????
Bree: mostly because we never seem to have room in the budget for frivolous things like "a bottle opener for that one soda that's still in the fridge"
Bree: I kept being like "mom? bottle opener?" and she's like "money is tight and they're like four bucks"
Bree: it's not that we're so broke we don't have four dollars, but once we've paid the bills and gotten groceries, we don't have much left and it's usually left unspent as "emergency money"
Bree: i.e., if something important comes up before mom's next paycheck
Bree: aaaaaanyway
Jumpropeman: you should just take that bottle and break it on the counter, pour the glass/drink mixture in a cup and enjoy
Gooper Blooper: yeah it does seem a bit frivolous unless you're gonna buy bottles like that a lot
RubyChao: that's not hardcore enough jrm
RubyChao: you EAT the bottle
RubyChao: soda and all
Bree: today we went to this new thing they did, a Women's Expo which honestly had nothing to do with women but it was just an excuse to walk around and get free stuff
Gooper Blooper: oh god
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: >you eat the bottle
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: oh welp
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: anyway gluttony.txt
Bree: predictably I went and promptly decided I hated it because it was really fucking crowded and noisy and there was lots of standing in lines which I hate because my fibromyalgia means I'll be exhausted in like ten minutes of standing around
Bree: I basically went to a few booths with Blue and my mom, ate a bunch of free cheese cubes, and then went and sat in the car (nowhere to sit at the expo) for like an hour
Bree: Blue joined me after like half an hour
Bree: the amount of people, crowds, noise, etc. and people being rude was really making Blue super anxious and pissed and stuff so she had to throw in the towel despite wanting all the free shit
Bree: whereas I didn't give a damn about the free shit because it's all pointless free shit like magnets and pens
Bree: like, sure it's free but I just don't really need a magnet or a pen so whatever
Bree: more on the expo later if you want, but anyway
Bree: one of the freebies we did pick up
Bree: was a bottle opener!
Bree: a miniature bottle opener!
Jumpropeman: macgyver a bottle opener out of the pens and magnet
Bree: and it's also a flashlight and a tape measure because WHY NOT
Gooper Blooper: knew it
Bree: no seriously, it's a bottle opener/flashlight/tape measure thingy
iKomodo: Yaaaaaaay
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: amazing
Bree: so we get home and I'm like "okay mom"
Bree: "give me the bottle opener"
Bree: "it's time to do this"
Bree: my mom: "shit I was just playing with it, where'd I put it"
iKomodo: D:
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: goddamn it
Bree: "MOM EVERYTHING IS SITTING ON YOUR BED HOW DID YOU LOSE IT"
Bree: we search for like three minutes, spoilers it somehow ended up under mom's butt
Gooper Blooper: noooooo
Gooper Blooper: oh okay
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: oh
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: ...buttsephine.txt
Gooper Blooper: bottle opener pls, breemom's butt is not a bottle
Jumpropeman: buttle opener
Bree: so I march into the kitchen and grab the soda and attack it with the bottle opener
Bree: there's an audible hiss but the bottlecap does not come off
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: just imagining bree
Bree: pause
Bree: reattempt
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: getting into an RPG battle with a bottle
Bree: the edge of the bottlecap bends but the bottlecap doesn't come off
Gooper Blooper: this fucking bottle
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: boss level bottle
RubyChao: oh my god
Bree: at this point I, predictably, bring it to my mom again because now I'm sure something hideously painful will happen if I keep trying
iKomodo: D:
Bree: I'm a wuss and a coward and my mom opens all the difficult things :U
Bree: so I give it to my mom and for the record my mom doesn't know how to use a goddamn bottle opener because she used it backwards
Bree: but I don't usually use one either so I figured maybe I was wrong and she was right
Jumpropeman: this is painful to read
Bree: anyway she tries, nothing happens
Bree: tries again, nothing happens
Bree: tries again
Bree: the bottle opener breaks
Jumpropeman: Most Frustrating Bottle 2015
Gooper Blooper: I'm waiting for the-there it is
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: ...
RubyChao: WOW
Bree: I'm like "OH MY GOD THIS CHEAP PIECE OF SHIT"
Bree: she says "well it was free swag"
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: boss level bottle
Gooper Blooper: no, you already said that, harpy - this is Final Boss Level Bottle
iKomodo: D:
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: last day of october, everybody has to fucking try to break open this bottle
iKomodo: Wow, this goddamn bottle
Bree: of course it broke, there were hundreds of people there and they had to have enough for all of them so obviously this bottle opener was mass produced plastic garbage
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: everybody seems to roll ones against it
Bree: but GOD DAMN IT I WANT MY FUCKING SODA
Bree: it's been in the fridge literally for months
Bree: like a solid four months just fucking sitting there because I can't fucking open it
RubyChao: why did i just imagine bree going the nuclear option
Bree: I AM GOING TO DRINK THIS SODA, GOD DAMN YOU
RubyChao: pulls out a goddamn hacksaw
RubyChao: takes it to the bottle's neck
RubyChao: hacksaw breaks
Bree: I ":< :< :< :< :<" at my mom and she carefully reassembles the snapped bottle opener and tries again
Bree: and again, and again
Bree: I'm like "get rid of the plastic bit, just use the metal bottle opener part"
Bree: (which was encased in a plastic handle which is what snapped)
Bree: so she tries once and then twice with that method
Bree: I try to explain she should turn it around because maybe she's using it backwards and she's turning the bottle opener in configurations it was never intended for
Bree: like how do you not understand what I mean when I say backwards, mother
Bree: so then I have to show her
Jumpropeman: an ancient evil has been sealed within Bree's Jarrito bottle and the holy seals are keeping it shut
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: JRM plz
Bree: and in one last, mighty effort
Bree: the bottle is opened
Bree: AND NOW I'M FUCKING DRINKING IT.
Bree: it's not bad. :U
iKomodo: YISSSSSSSSSS
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: jesus fuck
Bree: that is the tale of Mexican Soda
iKomodo: hahaha :U
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: i was tempted to just get you a bottle opener because fcukin
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: but there was no need
Gooper Blooper: the moral of the story is always buy soda with plastic caps, holy fuck
Gooper Blooper: like why do those metal caps even still exist
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: but i like those tiny glass bottles of coke
Jumpropeman: what a shaggy dog of a bottle
6 HOURS TIL KEVVY: so some fallout chars can have some form of a currency, goops :U
Gooper Blooper: Atari Screw has nothing on Lime Jarrito
