"So when do I get to plug my new campaign?"
"Later."
"Aw."
"Growl is a 1991 beat-em-up with four playable characters. You got Guy That Looks Like Indiana Jones, Guy With Bandanna and Shades, Palette Swap of Guy That Looks Like Indiana Jones, and Palette Swap of Guy With Bandanna and Shades. With a roster this deep and well thought-out, you know you're in for a great time."
"Well, at least they all have different stats."
"Yeah, that's true."
"So what's the story behind Growl?"
"You'll love this."
"Those four guys are park rangers. Growl is about facing off with a large gang of poachers who are making money off of abusing, killing, and stealing exotic animals."
"Those bastards!"
"And you can take them out with extreme prejudice - pummel them with your fists, slice them with swords, and blow them apart into little gibs with rocket launchers and grenades. There's also no shortage of female enemies. Unlike the wussy SNES version of Final Fight, girls are present and accounted for... although I have no idea if any of them are transgender."
"Sounds pretty fun. Is it any good?"
"Well, it's passable I guess. Combat is kinda clumsy. If you and an enemy get really close to each other, neither of you will be able to land any blows, so you'll need to move away. You'll probably find yourself abusing the jump kick to take out enemies - that is, until you can pick up a whip.
The whip is the best weapon in the entire game, hitting both in front and behind our intrepid park ranger. Since the desperation attack sometimes fails to work, this is very useful. With a whip, the only enemies you really need to worry about are the bosses and the Arabian-looking guys, who are able to take hits a bit better and aren't knocked down in one hit by the whip.
"Does the animal rescue theme play a part in the game?"
"Sure does! Near the start you'll come across a man whipping a lion apparently just because he feels like it. Later you'll rescue antelope, falcons, and elephants, and they'll even help you fight the poachers."
"Awesome!"
"Now, there's one other thing I gotta mention, and that's the ending."
"What? DOES THE POACHER BOSS GET AWAY?! SAY IT ISN'T SO!!"
"Ariel, you're crushing my exoskeleton, let go."
"S-sorry."
"Okay, so you beat the shit out of the head poacher. But then his dead body squirms around like something is inside. And something is. A bunch of alien maggots spray out of his back, then a big hopping alien rips itself free and reveals that it was the leader of the poachers all along."
"...What."
"Yeah, that's what I said."
"So the final boss in a game that was decently realistic up to this point save the boss who threw a car at you is an alien overlord who makes squeaky noises and barfs bombs at you while hopping madly."
"...Sometimes it's hard being an activist. So very hard."
"With allies like these who needs enemies?"
"I award Growl two mantids out of five. The gameplay is lacking compared to quality beat-em-ups like Streets of Rage, but it's okay if you really like the genre, and that ending is worth a mantid and a half all by itself.
So, what was that campaign you wanted to raise awareness for?"
"It's high time society was made aware of the plight of the leatherback sea turtle..."
"Quick, Stag Beetle, cut the feed."
"-Penny and I will be wearing special costumes and be called the Early Adult Activist Ninja Leatherbacks, and give out pamphlets in front of the-"
GAME ROOM SCORES:
Episode 1: Golden 20-in-1 (Sega Genesis): 1/5
Episode 2: Rolan's Curse (Game Boy): 3/5
Episode 3: A Week of Garfield (NES): 0/5
Episode 4: Growl (Sega Genesis): 2/5
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