"Good evening, Mutant Animal Combat Enthusiasts, because constantly throwing around "sports fans" gets repetitive! My name is Reiko Atari, and I'm your eye in the sky for today's thrilling battle between Primus Pilus, a fiery skeleton that was once a Dinoshark, and Estafador, an enormous brute of a shark stuffed with piranhas and the essence of the undead! Should be fun! I've got my chopper positioned over The Great Canadian Aquarium, and it's a great vantage point to bring the action to you folks at home!"
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It has been only a few weeks since the Sharknado tore the Great Canadian Aquarium apart. The area is still a wreck, and aquarium officials are still unable to decide whether to rebuild or start all over. On top of that, while all the most precious and easily acquired animals have been accounted for, the aquarium remains home for a small handful of animals, unable to leave on their own due to the whole "can't walk on land" thing.
While the roof took heavy damage, the extra-strong aquarium tanks have held up well, and most are still filled with water. There is a splash as a Greentech holding truck unloads Estafador into a tank that once held a bottlenose dolphin. The digs are a bit small for something Estafador's size, but it's enough room to maneuver. At the other side of the facility, Primus Pilus is unleashed. The noise it makes when it hits the water is not a clumsy splash but rather a quiet hiss. The water touching the fiery monstrosity bubbles and boils in reaction to the unextinguishable flames. The ex-dinoshark has been placed in a tank that was once home to the world's only giant squid in captivity. Of course, that specimen had been rescued with all hands on deck quite some time ago - in fact, officials assigned to help the poor districts asked around first to "make sure the squid was okay" before going about their work. Said squid was even larger than Primus Pilus, meaning he is not cramped at all in the enclosure.
After a few minutes of waiting with bated breath, the officials realize that the beasts are too far apart to make eye contact, and it's doubtful either has a sense of smell. Honestly, we don't even know if Primus Pilus has conventional eyesight. But just before an argument can ensue over whether or not to move the animals closer to each other, Primus Pilus' skull begins to glow. The ancient artifact that powers the brute has finally picked up the innate wrongness of a zombie shark, and is alerting its' host to the intruder. Slowly, the dinoshark skeleton turns until it is pointing directly at Estafador, even though the zombie shark is over 100 yards away and out of sight. Primus Pilus cruises forward, going on a straight course to meet its' enemy. It leaps free of the tank's confines and slips into another, then another, rapidly closing the distance.
In the dolphin tank, Estafador senses nothing. The mindless shark has spent the last five minutes aimlessly going in circles, looking for prey that just wasn't there. It's a sitting duck.
The piranha are the first to sense something's amiss. They shudder and gnash their teeth, agitated by the coming of... something. But they don't know what, exactly, until Primus Pilus suddenly appears in the tank, slipping in with ease and continuing its relentless charge. The skull flashes again, and the thing's mouth opens.
With a sudden jerk of its' powerful tail, Estafador just barely manages to dodge the enemy. The two giants slowly circle each other in the water. Estafador's piranhas open and close their mouths, eager to fight, while their massive brethren stares at the flaming skeleton with dead, glassy eyes, betraying nothing. Primus Pilus' skull is softly glowing, the artifact calming down in its' control of the dinoshark. If the tank was cramped before, it's now like one of those "let's see how many people can fit in the phone booth" contests, with less than a dozen feet separating the beasts.
Finally, Estafador breaks the stalemate. Without a care in the universe, he turns and charges directly at Primus Pilus. The cursed skeleton hadn't been expecting a direct attack - most animals would be wary of the flames. Estafador, however, could not possibly give a single solitary fuck, and plows right through his opponent, scattering and cracking ribs as he charges. Most of Primus Pilus remains in place, but several rib and spine bones have been damaged or shoved out of place. For his part, the zombie shark is now sporting some nasty-looking burns, but is moving as if nothing happened to it.
In fact, rather than stopping, the zombie shark continues through the water until reaching the tank's glass. It crashes into and then through the tank, sending shattered glass everywhere. The tank's water supply quickly dwindles to nothing, leaving the two undead warriors in a large puddle.
The Mega Shark turns to face Primus Pilus, its' primitive lung making thick, ragged, rotten breath exhale from the zombie shark's sickly-colored jaws. The piranha struggle - they're not as comfortable out here. There is still water inside the shark, and most of the piranha wriggle in their holes until they are facing with their tails out. Estafador props himself up on his fins and lets off a wet, rotting bellow.
The skeleton of Primus Pilus, meanwhile, seems to have lost cohesion from the loss of water. Despite being mostly bones, it moves as if boneless, head flopped sideways and all bones scraping the ground. The mystical flame dances, forcing the claws to scrape forward as the skeleton creeps along the ground.
Estafador rears up, leaning back on its' tail, and flops forward in a titanic body slam, smashing more bones. But this was not the best attack plan - the smell of rotting shark being roasted fills the air as the Mega Shark thrashes on top of the skeleshark, trying to do more damage and seemingly oblivious to the damage it is itself sustaining.
Now that they're out in the open, the fire is detectable in the air. Sprinklers installed in the roof go off - surprisingly to some who thought they would be broken. The sprinklers start to rain water on the beasts, but if being submerged won't quell the flames of Primus Pilus, this will hardly be effective.
Underneath the Mega Shark, Primus Pilus turns its' bony fin hands upward and digs into the soft underbelly of the shark. A long, horrible gash is made in the shark's underside, and Primus Pilus climbs in.
The piranha panic. Estafador senses their panicking and assumes it's time to return to water. Oblivious to the horrific internal damage, the zombie shark shuffles to a nearby tank, leaving parts of itself behind as they are burnt to cinders. It rears up on its tail again and hauls itself into another tank, this one meant for an orca.
The shock of hitting the water forces out Primus Pilus, but the damage has been done - Estafador is half the shark it once was, and is almost entirely lacking a bottom half. Primus, meanwhile, has some shattered bones but the skull remains intact. With the battle back in water, it was time for a new approach. The dinoshark's skull glows, and it swims behind the zombie shark and bites down on its' tailfin.
Estafador turns this way and that, whipping its' tail hard, but it can neither bring its' opponent in reach nor can it get itself free. Lacking options, Estafador opts to unleash the piranhas.
With a mighty exhale, about 15 piranha are fired from the shark's various holes as Estafador unloads its' entire supply in a single strike. Some of the piranha aren't much help - they float in the water, dying from being too close to Primus during its' internal attack. Others, however, are more sprightly, and they rocket towards the enemy.
Fire bursts from the body of Primus Pilus in directed blasts, scorching and burning piranhas as they try to attack. It wrenches its' head back and tears the tail fin clear off of Estafador's body. It then sends its' claws forward and rakes deep gouges along the lower body of the zombie shark. Estafador jerks away, then seems to go limp and drifts to the bottom of the tank. Primus Pilus circles it, waiting for an attack.
With unholy speed, the Mega Shark suddenly comes back to life, thrusting itself to the surface - but rather than an attack from below, the shark breaches the water and comes down hard, causing a small wave and slamming into Primus. Bones break and scatter, and the skeleshark loses an entire arms' worth of bones. The skull bounces against the concrete floor of the tank and cracks, but does not shatter.
Before Primus can regain its' composure, a piranha rockets into the melee, swimming as fast as it can. It slams into the lower jaw of the beast, and although it retreats quickly with a terrible burn, the jaw of Primus is now connected to the skull on only one side, the rest hanging off at an angle. Estafador tackles the creature from the side, scattering more bones. The skeleshark's skull glows brighter than ever as the artifact senses the urgency of the situation, and the decision is made to return to a previously successful tactic.
What is left of Primus Pilus squirms back into the gaping hole that is the lower half of Estafador, and Primus goes ballistic. Slashing with its claws and upper jaw and arching its vertebrae to dig into the flesh, the possessed skeleton's berserk attack begins to shred the zombie shark, rendering it a Night of the Living Seafood Special. Estafador, for its' part, slams itself into the floor and thrashes, slamming Primus Pilus against the cement over and over.
Both competitors are sustaining absolutely horrific damage. The floor is littered with bones and cartilage. It's only a matter of time...
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Silence descends upon the aquarium. As the cloud of congealed zombie blood and twitching piranha slowly clears, a figure can be seen floating in the water.
It is the skull of Primus Pilus. Torn apart, with ligaments hanging and the flames down to a pathetic flicker, all the skull can muster is a slow drift through the water.
Beneath it, among the bones, organs, and skin that carpets the floor, is slight movement. Up and down. Up and down.
Two piranha approach the scene. One has had its' fins shredded. The other trails a fleshy tube behind it - proof that it was once the piranha attached to the inside of Estafador's mouth. The piranha circle around the moving pile until they wind up unearthing it by their swimming currents brushing pieces aside, apparently by accident, revealing the source of the movement.
Lying there upside-down on the floor is the severed head of Estafador. Its' jaw slowly opens and closes.
The scene has attracted the attention of Primus Pilus. It knows it cannot win unless the shark is completely destroyed, and so it begins the slow, agonizing drift towards the floor. The piranha are merely lures - they charge the skull, but they have been weakened by the battle and are not on their A-game. A quick, short upward lunge of Primus' skull makes the jaw swing up and burst the jugular of one of the fish. The other is driven back by a sputtering of flames. The skull continues its' sink to the floor, now just a few feet away from Estafador's head.
Primus Pilus opens its' cracked jaw, ready to swing it into the zombie shark's brain.
Estafador's mouth gapes wide.
PIRANHA
FROM BEHIND
With merely a single piranhashove, Primus Pilus travels a bit too far and winds up within the bear-trap mouth of Estafador. Its' jaws slam shut on instinct, crushing the mysterious artifact and robbing Primus Pilus of all mystic power.
And without the mystic power it's kinda just a skull.
Your winner, ladies and gentlemen: the severed head of Estafador!
Thanks for coming! Look for the next Loser's League contenders to be announced soon!
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