"ROBOTEERS! Um, I mean, CYBORG MUTANT ANIMAL COMBATEERS! Welcome to the grand opening of our glorious battle arena, the Greentech AggroDome! We're packed to the rafters here with spectators eager to witness the carnage, and our arena is filled with tricks and traps our competitors can use to their advantage! This is Reiko Atari saying... Let's get it on!"
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There will be no hunting tonight. The Piranha Commando slithers into the arena with its' steel pipe held high (well, as high as its' stubby fins can extend), and its' opponent is already here. The Purple Creature Eater looms over the arena floor. The dead body of the Dinocroc appears to be breathing, but it is merely the internal shuffling of vines from the Purple Terror. The plant has detected the Commando's entrance, and is already preparing a strategy for sucking the life out of it and adding it to its' form.
Greentech was planning on hiring a referee robot for this, but it was apparently already under contract with someone else and was working on a starship off in space. Therefore, an electronic signboard on the wall made out of an old traffic light flashes green, and the battle begins.
Piranha Commando keeps his distance. He peers at his enemy through his newly enhanced eyes, searching carefully for weak points or blind spots to attack. The body of Dinocroc doesn't turn to face him, but the slithering vines respond to the piranhaconda's movements.
Then, with lightning speed, the fish-snake darts in.
Needle-sharp teeth clamp down around a vine and tear it away from the rest of the body. The Purple Terror oozes green sap from the stump, and Dinocroc's rotted paw swipes forward in a counterattack. Piranha Commando lowers his head, and the impact strikes his armored skull instead of his vulnerable face. He beats a retreat, whipping his head to toss the severed vine away. Now aggroed, the Purple Terror moves into action. Dinocroc's legs shuffle forward, and orchid vines manipulate the decomposing throat to make a horrid rattling bellow escape the beasts' mouth. But the Hazbrute-sponsored hybrid remains resolute. He does not fear a plant and a corpse.
Suddenly, the Purple Creature Eater's advance is cut short by a loud buzzing noise. A set of buzzsaws placed in the floor - one of Greentech's special traps - has activated, and it's shredding into Dinocroc's left foot. The Purple Terror steps off the saw once it realizes what is happening, but the foot has been badly shredded. The Commando darts in again with a wicked headbutt. A sickening, wet crack signals the snapping of rotting bone, and the foot falls away.
Immediately, the Creature Eater reacts. Vines swarm out of the wound. Some land on the floor, taking the place of the foot in supporting its' weight. More wrap around the neck of the Commando, jerking him off the ground and holding him high. The snake monster thrashes, bringing its' pickaxe tail up in a brutal uppercut that spears through the lower jaw of the Dinocroc. But this does nothing but cosmetic damage - a corpse does not feel pain. As the Commando wrenches his tail free and continues to smack his pipe against the flesh of his tormentor, the vines whip around suddenly to smash him into the walls. He struggles to free himself, but the Purple Terror will not relent now that is has a grip on its' opponent, and more vines come in to subdue their prey. In moments, the Commando is being held down, struggling to escape the overpowering force of a vampiric plant grown mighty from the blood of a monster.
Just as it seems as if there's no escape, the Commando manages to flip the switch on his jetpack, turning it on. In a burst of flames, the jetpack roars to-
Wait a second.
Flames?
In the Hazbrute corporate meeting room, where barrel-like men with cigars watch the action on an expensive television, there comes a chorus of laughter and applause. Against our orders of a fair fight, their attempt to tamper with Piranha Commando to upgrade his jetpack into the Purple Terror's worst nightmare - fueled with gas rather than a battery - was a success.
It's not as if cheating is without precedent in monster arena battles.
The Piranha Commando rises into the air on a rush of flames, a grin of understanding crossing his fishy face as he watches the vines of the Terror go up in flames. The orchid mutant shuffles backwards, trying to escape the fire, but it simply climbs up the arms and spreads further. In desperation, the Terror orders Cinocroc to chomp down on its' own vines, severing them. Smoke-activated sprinklers in the arena ceiling go off to keep the flames under control. Piranhaconda takes advantage of the confusion to make a flyby - another vine is snatched away in his mouth, and a swing of his tail chops off two more. He makes a landing on the other side of the arena and glares at his foe with growing confidence.
Confidence that is soon washed away.
Dinocroc's body twitches and gropes. It seems to shrivel slightly, looking a bit less robust. But the Purple Terror is sprouting new vines. Thick and hearty, the new appendages blossom and rise to the ceiling. The audience gasps in surprise as the Purple Terror takes advantage of Dinocroc's new lighter weight to haul itself up to the rafters. Now the plant is coiled around beams in the arena's upper limits, with the body of Dinocroc suspended in the air like a pinata at a zombie's birthday party. The Commando slithers in to attack, but the Terror flexes its' vines and swings Dinocroc back. Just as the piranhaconda realizes what is about to happen, he is smashed across the arena by Dinocroc swinging the other way. He hits the wall hard, leaving a sizable dent, and his injuries are made worse by a large hammer built into the arena's corner. This hammer - the Pulverizer - comes down hand on the Commando's mouth, shattering teeth and drawing blood. The fifty-foot monster spasms and writhes out of the way just in time to avoid a second pounding. At Hazbrute Inc, the one percenters watch with newfound concern for their latest brand. The Purple Creature Eater lets go of the rafters and falls to the ground with a loud wet smack, watching closely.
Piranha Commando rises. He is breathing hard now, clutching his pipe tightly. A bloody, shattered tooth drops out of his hanging jaw. He looks down at his pipe, then turns his attention away from his foe and back to the Pulverizer. His armored lower half wraps around the hammer, and with a flexing of coils the weapon is pulled out of its' base. The Commando turns back to his foe, now dual wielding. The vines reach for him, but he turns on his jetpack and they beat a retreat. The fish-snake rockets towards his foe, staying low to the ground. He holds out his pipe, keeping the hammer pinned against his side, and slams through his opponent, leaving a huge, gaping mess of a hole in the body of the Dinocroc.
A hole that is now on fire.
The Purple Terror panics as the core of its' host goes up in flames, The burning abomination shambles towards the Commando, but he is already on the attack again. With the jetpack assisting his inertia, a one-two combo of Pulverizer and pickaxe tail crushes vines to pulp and severs the head of the Dinocroc. With nothing else to turn to, the Purple Terror abandons its' host, slithering out through the neck of the beast. The great dead tree sprouting from the back of the monster is pushed free from the flesh and taken for the ride. Now looking like a tree with tentacle roots, the Purple Creature Eater whips out with its' vines and grabs the Piranha Commando. Vampiric suckers, desperate for food, scrape at the metal of the hybrid's lower body, trying to climb to his head. Piranha Commando twists this way and that, trying to get the flames of his jetpack to strike the vines and kill the plant once and for all, but the fuel is running low, and the sputtering fire is not enough, especially not with the sprinklers still spraying.
The Commando lands. The Purple Terror climbs up his body.
Seconds before it reaches the chest, Piranha Commando arcs up his tail and drives the point of the pickaxe right into his own jetpack.
And, as is wont to happen when one strikes something with fuel in it hard enough in an action series, it explodes.
The Purple Creature Eater is blown to ashes in the explosion, the crowd erupts into cheers, and at Hazbrute Inc, wine glasses clink together and additional product lines are approved, because today was A Good Day.
Ladies and gentlemen, the third and final winner of the Monster Mash Loser's League Qualifiers is Piranha Commando!
BACK TO YOU, STEEL KOMODO!
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