The GB Ensemble Royal Rumble - Part 8: Finale

"Ladies and gentlemen, at this time I'd like to thank everyone who's stuck with us through the ups and the downs and the creamy middles of the Barbon's Fite Club and Tavern Royal Rumble!"
"Brought to you by Waluigi's Taco Stand."
"And Pleasure Motors!"
"And Liberty Medical."
"And Colgate as well!"
"Better burn off all these sponsors now, seeing as there's only four people left in this clusterfuck."
"That's right, and with no more entrants these four are all we'll be seeing from here to the end! Who's going to take home the championship belt and the big cash prize?! BAH GAWD I'm pumped!"
"Just don't sweat on me or anything, geez."

The final four combatants looked each other over, ready to pick an opponent to face.

Widow Maker decided first.

"Hella Jeff, I brought you into this mess, and I can take you out of it!" The mantis spread her claws and wings and executed a flying leap towards Jeff.

Ariel looked at Missingno. She wouldn't risk fighting him in melee - if the Necronomitron's fate was any indication (as was Celestia, who'd left the arena rubbing concernedly at a part of her robe that had glitched up), direct contact would result in a quick exit. Plus, she was getting tired from her high-activity style of fighting. She wiped her brow and retrieved her bow, snatching a safe arrow from her quiver and taking aim. Missingno sprayed a little stream of water at Ariel's face just before she could fire.

"ACKPTH!" she flailed and wiped at her face. Missingno shuddered with amusement, letting out a laughlike series of beeps. Then it began to advance towards her.

Widow Maker was manhandling (or rather, mantishandling) Hella Jeff. Despite the fact that her incredibly long stay in the arena was finally beginning to wear her down, Jeff was lightweight and easily tossed. The problem was how slippery and seemingly immune to injury he was - his arms would noodle themselves into bizarre positions, allowing him to counter her worst throws. Whenever he was slammed into the ground, he'd simply rise up again, HE HE HE-ing at Widow Maker. Realizing that wearing him down was pointless, Widow Maker aimed her next throw so that Jeff would be tossed out. The former Zoofighter threw Hella Jeff, but he twisted impossibly in midair and hooked onto the ropes.

"HE HE

HE"

That laugh.

That fucking laugh.

Widow Maker charged Jeff, intent on forcing him to the ground once and for all, but he reached upward with one scribbled appendage and yanked down on the rope above him, while another gripped the side of the ring and pulled him and the ropes towards the ground. Widow Maker's enraged lunge turned into a sudden stumble as she charged right over Jeff and the ropes, and she let out a frustrated cry as she smashed against the floor, one leg twitching.

KO - 3 REMAIN

Missingno was full of arrows, but it didn't seem particularly fazed. Panicking, Ariel had even tried her normal, pointed, made-for-killing arrows against the glitch, but nothing was working. Desperately she cast a Dia spell, hoping Missingno was somehow undead. But it wasn't, and the spell was merely harmless glitter to it.

Missingno herded Ariel against the ropes, then forced her to the outside edge. She now stood on the ring apron with a deathgrip on the top rope. It began spraying water to push her over the side, but Ariel ducked the blast. She kicked out with one boot, knocking back Missingno and leaving a glitchy patch on her footwear. She stared, panicky, as the relentless abomination forced the arrows stuck in its body to pop out, then began launching them in Ariel's direction. She was so busy dodging arrows that the next Water Gun caught her by surprise, and the aspiring young activist lost her grip, falling to the ground.

KO - 2 REMAIN

Widow Maker had chosen to watch the final three duke it out rather than leave, and as Ariel fell and the final two combatants turned to face each other, the air beginning to distort around them as their respective quirks corrupted their surroundings, understanding crossed the mantid's features.

"...Of course. Why did I forget?

It's a huge, epic battle with tons of competitors.

Of course a joke character is going to walk away with the win."

Hella Jeff HE HE HE-ed at Missingno.

Missingno beeped and blooped at Hella Jeff.

Their corruptions began to t̸̮h̺̝͠i͇͉c̛̙̣͉̻̳k̷e̗ͅṉ̥̻̱͚̥̘.̳̰̝͔̰

As the ring ropes behind him start to become wobbly, jerky, and covered in jpg artifacts, Jeff shoots out one noodly arm and picks up Mr. X's gun.

"deudly firearms....."

shoot shoot shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh
shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh
shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh
shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh

Missingno launched into a series of wild flash-steps and jerks, spinning, teleporting, and turning to avoid bullet after bullet. Inevitably a couple grazed the glitch, causing coding to leak onto the ring floor and stain it the color of poor programming.

Missingno tried more Water Gun attacks, but they weren't working - Jeff seemed rooted to the spot, and the water attacks made his upper half lean backwards from the force, but his feet remained stubbornly in one place, to the point where he almost folded in on himself after a Water Gun that was really more like a Hydro Pump.

It was then Missingno noticed there was another weapon still in the ring.

Sarah's hammer.

Missingno extended a glitchy tendril, snatching up the hammer. It began to corrupt in Missingno's grasp, but it was still a hammer, damn it, and a powerful one at that. Hella Jeff sent another spray of "deudly firearms" the glitch's way, but the gun was devolving before everyone's very eyes, becoming just as impossible as Hella Jeff himself. As a result, the barrel stopped being straight and started being something else entirely, allowing Missingno to easily dodge bullets that were getting embedded in walls and the ceiling. Closing the distance, Missingno lashed out with the hammer, smashing the gun and breaking it in half, the parts falling to the floor. The remaining ammo stayed floating in the air separate from the gun for a moment, then it too fell.

Hella Jeff almost looked panicked for a moment. His noodle arms wrapped around the White Hammer several times. Missingno flexed its' tendril, trying to tug the weapon back. They went back and forth, fighting over the only weapon left in the arena.

"Woah-hohohohoho! They both seem to think Sarah's hammer is the key to victory!"
"I can't fucking believe these two are the last left standing. And before you say it YES I KNOW, MANHATTAN, SHUT UP."

They pulled and struggled and wiggled and strained, fighting the most bizarre tug of war ever.

And then Jeff caught Missingno off guard by jerking back suddenly with a massive tug. The force sent Missingno flying into Jeff's face.

The corruptions began to m̴̵̵i̡͟n͢҉gl҉̡͘é.͝͡

The air begins to taste like green.

Malformed half-Pokemon swim-jerk through the skies, while bug/bird/water types scurry along the walls.

Hella Jeff (who now has two mouths where his eyes used to be, and an eye for a mouth) uses all three of the arms popping out of his chest to grapple a Kabutops skeleton.

"Tally-ho, Spurts Fins! We're here at Electra's Fite Yer Mates Arena and BBQ, where Sweet Bro and M' are tearing it up!"
"I always feel like Gabe Newell's watchin' me."

Missingno slashes out with its newfound Kabutops claws, slicing two arms off of Jeff. A tongue emerges from one of Jeff's ears to raspberry at Missingno as five more arms sprout from his back. Missingno aims to slice those as well, but Jeff grabs the claw and hurls Kabutops out of the arena.

And into another arena.

The floor stretches into infinity as millions of identical wrestling rings stand side by side. Portals open and shut around the combatants, Safari Balls and nanchoes spraying onto the floor which is also a wrestling ring.

There is now a wrestling ring on the ceiling.

The cheering crowd is a thousand Geromys, and they do the wave without leaving their seats. Jpg artifacts mix and mingle with beta sprites. The ground feels like pants.

Hella Jeff opens his seventh mouth and sprays a barrage of teeth onto Missingno, who shifts into an Aerodactyl skeleton in response. The glitch takes to the air, shortly followed by Hella Jeff, who uses all eighteen of his arms to get airborne.

Missingno-Aerodactyl's sawlike teeth slice into Jeff flesh, and poorly-colored blood sprays. Jeff has the skateboard again somehow, and smashes it over his opponent's head repeatedly. A wave of static washes over Missingno, and 128 more skateboards rain from the sky.

All that there ever was and all that will ever be watches the fight. They watch the sky collapse. They watch the walls distort. They watch Hella Jeff kick an Aerodactyl skeleton repeatedly.

Missingno rises still higher, now hundreds of feet above the ground, although it looks like millions. It takes the form of a black ghost, while Hella Jeff is normal aside from the fact that his face is covered in eyes. He waggles (woggles) his feet to stay in the air.

Missingno lunges forward, grabbing onto Jeff and turning him upside down. Gravity suddenly speeds up, and the pair hurtles back towards the arena in the world's biggest piledriver. They smash straight through the ring, but it turns out there's another one underneath. Shrapnel flies as the two abominations writhe. Hella Jeff throws Missingno against the ropes, then rises as his five dozen eyes merge into one massive eye. The eye gains a porkchop mouth.

"sports"

Hockey pucks, basketballs, baseball gloves, biker helmets and canoe paddles fly at Missingno from all different directions.

"あなたは逃げることができない"

Five Charizard M heads sprout from Missingno's form to obliterate the weapons with glitch fire. The heads keep breathing flame, and the ropes catch fire. There's only one arena now, and it's levitating above the ground by a good five feet. Tiles in the floor float in midair, spinning slowly. Missingno shifts back into its' usual form.

"これを終了するまでの時間はこれです。"

Missingno shudders. Thirteen tentacles burst from its' mass. Hella Jeff, by contrast, seems to be running low on mutations after that sports onslaught. He had three eyes for a second there, but the one on his cheek fell off, so he's pretty much "normal" now.

Missingno advances. Hella Jeff stares.

Suddenly, he reaches behind him and pulls out one last spawned item.

A GameBro magazine, circa 1998.

You know, in all this eldritch nonsense, I've completely forgotten.

Hella Jeff is a gamer.

The blue-suited freak flips eagerly through the pages, scanning quickly to find the information he needs. Missingno looms above him, tentacles writhing.

Hella Jeff whips one arm to the side and grabs Sarah's hammer. He lifts it high, still reading the magazine. Missingno beeps and sends all of its arms forward at once just as Hella Jeff swings the hammer.

In the millisecond before they make contact, Sarah's hammer multiplies 128 times. Missingno is completely obliterated by the force of 128 holy hammers going off simultaneously.

Well, not completely.

A single tentacle, after shooting about four hundred feet into the air, flops pathetically to the ground. Outside the ring. It twitches.

 "くそ。"

What's left of Missingno vanishes in a blink, heading back to Glitch City to lick its' wounds.

"Slobpt number six, bipches."

KO

With one of the sources of corruption gone, the other no longer has anything to conflict with, and reality manages to grab the wheel again. The world reassembles itself.

And the next thing anyone knows, Hella Jeff is dancing in the center of the ring as if none of it had ever happened.

"Ladies and gentlemen... I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's true.

The winner of the Barbon's Fite Club and Tavern Royal Rumble is Hella Jeff."

As a completely baffled Refbot awards Jeff the sparkling championship belt (which promptly corrupts when placed around Jeff's waist), the ceremony is interrupted.

"BRO!"

Sweet Bro dashes to the ring.

"Bro I sawhat you did in the finighting ring event place."
"WASN'T IT BANGIN?"
"IT WAS BANGIN BRO"
"how about a Bro Hug Bump?"
"you KNOW it man, you KNOW it!!"

"Well, that about wraps it up here, I'd say! From all of us to all of you, have a happy and safe holiday season! I'm Baltan..."
"And I'm fucking wiped out."
"-And we're signing off!"

[THE END]

FINAL STANDINGS

#1 Garland enters

#2 Gamble Man enters

#3 Sakura Atari enters

#4 Little Brother enters

Gamble Man eliminated by Garland

#5 Big Brother enters 

Big Brother and Little Brother combine into Constructor X

#6 Skeiron enters

#7 Gloria enters

#8 Cleptopod enters

Garland summons Antlion, Ultros, and Omega

Antlion eliminated by Gloria

Ultros eliminated by Cleptopod

Garland eliminated by Cleptopod

#9 Dr. Rabbit enters 

Constructor X separates

Big Brother eliminated by Little Brother

Omega eliminated by Little Brother

#10 Clippy enters

Gloria eliminated by Cleptopod

#11 Mecha-Sarah enters

Little Brother eliminated by Mecha-Sarah

Dr. Rabbit eliminated by Sakura Atari

#12 Browny enters

#13 Dr. Bulgrave enters

#14 Widow Maker enters

#15 Tiamat enters

Browny eliminated by Tiamat

Cleptopod eliminated by Tiamat

Sakura Atari eliminated by Tiamat

Clippy eliminated by Tiamat

#16 Sarah enters

Tiamat eliminated by Sarah

#17 Electra enters

#18 Gust enters

#19 Josephine enters

Mecha-Sarah eliminated by Widow Maker

Skeiron eliminated by Widow Maker

#20 Blade enters

Dr. Bulgrave eliminated by Sarah and Josephine

#21 Celestia enters

Sarah eliminated by Electra

#22 The Necronomitron enters

Josephine eliminated by The Necronomitron

#23 Marlin the Magnificent enters

Blade eliminated by The Necronomitron

#24 Hella Jeff enters

#25 Ariel enters

#26 Stag Beetle enters

#27 Missingno enters

Gust eliminated by Celestia

#28 Simon 1994rd enters

Electra eliminated by Ariel

Marlin the Magnificent eliminated by Widow Maker

Mr. X appears

#29 Barbon enters

Mr. X killed by Barbon, Ariel, Refbot, and Baltan

#30 Killbot enters

The Necronomitron eliminated by Missingno

Stag Beetle eliminated by Hella Jeff

Simon 1994rd eliminated by Widow Maker

Killbot eliminated by Hella Jeff

Celestia eliminated by Missingno

Barbon eliminated by Ariel

Widow Maker eliminated by Hella Jeff

Ariel eliminated by Missingno

Missingno eliminated by Hella Jeff

30th Place: Gamble Man (#2) - 0 KOs
29th Place: Garland (#1) - 1 KO
28th Place: Big Brother (#5) - 0 KOs
27th Place: Gloria (#7) - 1 KO
26th Place: Little Brother (#4) - 2 KOs
25th Place: Dr. Rabbit (#9) - 0 KOs
24th Place: Browny (#12) - 0 KOs
23rd Place: Cleptopod (#8) - 3 KOs
22nd Place: Sakura Atari (#3) - 1 KO
21st Place: Clippy (#10) - 0 KOs
20th Place: Tiamat (#15) - 4 KOs
19th Place: Mecha-Sarah (#11) - 1 KO
18th Place: Skeiron (#6) - 0 KOs
17th Place: Dr. Bulgrave (#13) - 0 KOs
16th Place: Sarah (#16) - 2 KOs
15th Place: Josephine (#19) - 1 KO
14th Place: Blade (#20) - 0 KOs
13th Place: Gust (#18) - 0 KOs
12th Place: Electra (#17) - 1 KO
11th Place: Marlin the Magnificent (#23) - 0 KOs
10th Place: The Necronomitron (#22) - 2 KOs
9th Place: Stag Beetle (#26) - 0 KOs
8th Place: Simon 1994rd (#28) - 0 KOs
7th Place: Killbot (#30) - 0 KOs
6th Place: Celestia (#21) - 1 KO
5th Place: Barbon (#29) - 1 KO
4th Place: Widow Maker (#14) - 4 KOs
3rd Place: Ariel (#25) - 2 KOs
2nd Place: Missingno (#27) - 2 KOs
1st Place: Hella Jeff (#24) - 3 KOs