Widow Maker's Game Room 1: Golden 20-in-1

 "The video game industry is in an odd phase. Some think there might be another video game crash. 'There's too many sequels,' people say. Or 'The big companies are suffocating the little guys' or 'The game prices are too damn high!'

Personally, I think modern controllers use entirely too many buttons. Not that I enjoy that waggle nonsense either.

My point is, why whine about the present when there's about sixty billion video games available from the past? I'm here in my personal Game Room - the largest room of my humble Florida home - and I've got myself surrounded by cartridges from all sorts of crusty old systems nobody gives a damn about these days. Join me as I dig through the pile in search for what every gamer desires: a game that isn't shit.

And by the way: We'll be focusing on more obscure titles. Nobody wants to read about fucking Super Mario Brothers 3 again.

Today's game is... lessee here... Howsabout 'Golden 20-In-1"? Hot damn, twenty games in one! That's one way to get this thing started on the right foot.

As you can see, when you boot up the game you get a list of... ten games. But don't worry, you get to the other ten by scrolling down. First game is... Oh shit, it's Bare Knuckle!

Now, Bare Knuckle is the Japanese name for Streets of Rage, which is pretty great. When I'm not beating the shit out of assholes in real life, I like to beat the shit out of assholes in video games, and there's no shortage of assholes in this game and its sequels. All righty, let's get to playi-

...Eh?

Well, uh... the cart appears to have locked up on me. Well, fine. There's 19 other games, I can take a dud. Let's see what 'Street Fighting' is.

Street Fighting is a black screen.

And so is Beach Storm.

And Bridge Battle.

Sea Raid, too.

The only thing bare about Bare Action is my fucking TV screen. Not a single game on the entire first page of games works! And I was seriously looking forward to Skyscraper Murder, too. Damn it.

FINALLY!

I had to go through FIFTEEN duds, but the sixteenth game is called 'Tetris', and whaddya goddamn know, you actually get a fucking game, and it's actually Tetris. My heartiest congratulations to the developers for this marvelous feat of engineering.

It's not a very remarkable game of Tetris - there's a few options you can toggle before playing, but nothing major. There's only one game mode, and it's for one player only - just keep clearing lines. If you clear enough lines, the game changes backgrounds and things speed up a bit. The classic Tetris themes aren't here, and if you relied on being able to slide your blocks on the ground or spin them a bit before they locked in place, you're in for a rude surprise here. The INSTANT your block touches the ground it's stuck. This is some freaking hardcore Tetris.

Okay, let's see the next game... 'Rolling Blocks'.
 

Oh no.

Oh, Elohim, no.

Every remaining game on this junkheap is Tetris. Even the one called 'Two-Way Race'.

Well, that was a disaster. Hopefully the next game is better.

I award Golden 20-In-1 one mantid out of five. The hardcore Tetris was kinda fun."