Since my April 2021 video game review blog got such a warm reception, I figured I'd do it again with some of the games I've played in the year since that post went up. Not as many games this time due to the smaller timeframe, but I've got plenty to talk about...
Jumpropeman joined the chat
Jumpropeman: hi
Kurororo: why hello
Kurororo: rope man
Jumpropeman: no jumping today
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Gooper Blooper: saw a cheap game on the Switch eshop that looked kinda interesting so I googled it, and...
Gooper Blooper: "Contrary to how it may seem, it's not very fun reviewing bad games. Sure, there's a degree of enjoyment in being mean, but the shocking secret of criticising games that aren't enjoyable? We still have to play them. Picking up the Switch and knowing we had to play more Gleamlight made the system feel ten times heavier.
Gleamlight's developers have claimed that their game isn't a rip-off of Hollow Knight. They're right. If it was a rip-off, then it'd share some kind of inspiration, some mechanical flair. The creativity, the baseline of enjoyable moments, some solid fundamentals. It's all missing. It's not a rip-off of Hollow Knight, it's a stupid child's drawing of it."
Draco: JRM, did you write that quote? Are you reviewing the legendary Gleamlight?
Gooper Blooper: my favorite burn was from a different review
Gooper Blooper: "If 2020 was a game, Gleamlight would be it."
Jumpropeman: dang son
Jumpropeman: oh man, it looks so cool too
Gooper Blooper: My first thought upon comparing the scores to the screenshots was "did I stumble onto another Firefly Diary"
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Jumpropeman: you can tell bull riders are passionate about their sport based on the size of the wikipedia pages for singular bulls
Jumpropeman checks out the official pro bull riding league website
Jumpropeman pop up hocking NFTs
Jumpropeman: I am less amused by you now :I
Gooper Blooper: non fungible taurus
Jumpropeman: one thing that is cute about PBR is that they talk about bulls like they're athletes too
Jumpropeman: like the commentators will even call the bull a tremendous athlete
Gooper Blooper: Well, they kinda are!
Jumpropeman: a score in PBR is half based on the rider's performance, half based on how ornery that bull is
Jumpropeman: so the bulls are being judged too!
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Gooper Blooper: the good news is I have beaten Nina Aquila and overall I liked it a lot!
Gooper Blooper: the bad news is Nina's optimal partner in an investigation would be Jenny LeClue
Gooper Blooper: game ain't done
RubyChao: OH NO
RubyChao: AND I WAS LEGIT CONSIDERING PUTTING NINA ON MY WISHLIST
Jumpropeman: haha
Jumpropeman: nina and jenny team plot in rp
Jumpropeman: plot never finishes
Gooper Blooper: Chao, you know how every Ace Attorney does the thing where you go through the cases but there's "That One Case" floating around in the background? "Remember That One Case?" "That One Case means a lot to me" "I gotta find the answers to That One Case!!"
Gooper Blooper: Nina Aquila does that, but we don't get to do That One Case yet
RubyChao: oh my god
RubyChao: so you're saying
RubyChao: THEY FORGOT DL-6
Gooper Blooper: YES
Gooper Blooper: (Nina Aquila only just released last July though, and it IS episodic, so... giving 'em time)
On the outskirts of Agama, in the quietest corner of the city, two space aliens tried their best to look inconspicuous as they walked off the street, into an alley, and behind a run-down old building that still had signs in the windows but certainly didn't look it was open for business any time recently. Some ne'er-do-well had spraypainted "TOURISTS SUCK" on the side of the building in red. The only sound was the burbling of one of the city's many canals as it ran behind the building, blocked off here by a fence put up to keep any refuse from falling in.
"Is this the place?" asked Baltan Seijin, more to himself than anything else as he took in his surroundings.
"Certainly looks like it." Kauket huffed in mild disgust at the run-down and dirty area as she crossed her arms. Her species was referred to as 'Flatwoods Monsters' by people of Earth. She resented being called a monster, but in the long run didn't really care that much. It had been 70 years since the day she'd acquired that moniker. A lifetime for a human, but not much for her. By the 80s or so she'd already gotten over it. "I still don't like this at all. Feels like a setup."
"Aw, c'mon! My ol' college buddy would never pull a fast one on me like that! He's a good egg."
"He's wanted in seven galaxies for questioning regarding the disappearance of my father's fortune."
"Would you buy that he's a mediocre egg?" Baltan offered. Kauket didn't dignify him with a response, instead flipping open a small communicator device and peering at it. The gadget worked similarly to an Earth smartphone, and could even link up to them, but the technology was very different. It ran on a powerful solar battery, and could communicate across vast distances, but Kauket was currently using it as a mere watch to check the time. As she suspected, she and Baltan were punctual. It was his friend who was late.
"Whew..."
Drawing a hand across her brow and grimacing, Byakuren Hijiri squinted into the sunlight and let out a little sigh. "It's March, but it's sweltering. Maybe the Kobbers should go somewhere temperate for a change." She looked over her shoulder. "Are you holding up alright, little one?"
A simple, quiet nod was the only response from Byakuren's companion.
"Good! Now, she told us to meet her at The Midnight Store, but I don't think it's open yet, so let's go grab some food at the bar. Sound good, sweetie?"
Another nod.
"Wonderful!"
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A few hours later, The Midnight Store was opening for business. Megumin was arranging things on the shelves while Missy settled in behind the counter and flipped through a newspaper she'd taken from the store's magazine stand. Print news was in decline all over the world, and Agama was no exception, but the city still managed to hang onto some printed news. There had been two major papers serving the city - The Blue Tongue and The Moonlight Gazette - but with The Blue Tongue having shut down last year, a new challenger had popped onto the scene: Agama Outpost. Formerly a smaller, less popular indie paper that had focused on niche news and thinkpieces, it had ballooned in popularity after suddenly finding itself the number two paper in the city by default, and it was doing its' best to fill the void left by the Brume publication's collapse by including a broader spectrum of stories while also trying to not alienate the existing base. It was a tricky balancing act. As Missy examined the paper, she came across a large advertisement reminding people of the grand opening of Omega Mart. She frowned slightly thanks to being reminded of her upcoming competitor. Omega Mart had a host of advantages thanks to the fact that it wasn't technically located in Agama, keeping it from paying a lot of taxes and fees and avoiding various other regulations that The Midnight Store and other businesses in the area had to deal with. And thanks to the warp points installed by Meiling and Lord Var, it was easier than ever for Agama to get visitors, and that was a rich well of potential profit for every business in the city. Where those possible shoppers spent their money could make all the difference for not just The Midnight Store, but the Grand Market and every other shop and restaurant around as well.
Missy was shaken out of her thoughts by the sound of a hand slapping onto her counter, and a voice that jolted at her memory.
"Heyyyy!"
Jumpropeman: link
Gooper Blooper: It's not online any more, but my first experience with the meme-ness of Shrek is from before it was a meme to make fun of Shrek
Jumpropeman: link
Gooper Blooper: the guy who runs Dinosaur Dracula did a series of articles when Shrek 2 was new, looking at the absolute cavalcade of merchandise it spawned and how ungodly omnipresent the franchise was at its' peak
Gooper Blooper: it was called Shrek Crap
Jumpropeman: shrek green ketchup defined a generation
Gooper Blooper: twinkies with green filling, Shrek-themed Operation, Shrek-themed play-doh dentist
Gooper Blooper: you name it, the ogre was on it, it almost reached the mad heights of Pokemania
Jumpropeman: all it takes is one Shrek the Third
Gooper Blooper: I saw Shrek The Third in theaters and I remember thinking it was okay if not as good as the first two
Gooper Blooper: amazing how devastating it was
Jumpropeman: I saw it in theaters too, I don't remember the full context but I think I went with a church group my friend was part of
RubyChao: Saint Shrek
Gooper Blooper: I've never seen the fourth film and maybe I should remedy that sometime
Jumpropeman: I do recommend it. Not as good as the first two still but if Shrek the Third never existed I bet people would be like "yeah that was a good trilogy"
Mosey Sheep: I didn't like the fourth film at all :V
Jumpropeman: garsp!
Mosey Sheep: I hardly even remember 3, it was so mediocre
Mosey Sheep: 2, though...
Mosey Sheep: I rather enjoyed the second film
Jumpropeman: its been quite a while since I saw Shrek Forever After admittedly
Mosey Sheep makes a video ranking the Shrek films
Gooper Blooper: It's been ages since I've seen any of them, though I remember Shrek 1's plot well thanks to the "Shrek but" videos
Jumpropeman: make sure to watch Scared Shrekless
Jumpropeman: and Shrek the Halls
Jumpropeman: and the Shrek Thriller Night video that is separate from Scared Shrekless
Jumpropeman: NO, I'm supposed to be done with Shrek!
Mosey Sheep: I didn't know they did another Halloween one
Gooper Blooper: CKR revives her movie blog to review every Shrek film
Jumpropeman: I must lock this forbidden knowledge away
Gooper Blooper: Yeah I thought you'd be sick of him by now so I didn't bring him up again, but then you started it and so
Gooper Blooper: here we are
Gooper Blooper: talking about shrek
Mosey Sheep: Somebody once told me
Mosey Sheep: AND IT WAS YOU, JRM
Mosey Sheep: YOU TOLD ME!
Jumpropeman: ive been indoctrinated
Jumpropeman: it's not my fault ; w ;
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Jumpropeman sees an old video titled "Every Time Batman Killed Someone" has been renamed to "Every Time Batman Ended Someone"
RubyChao: ahahahaaaaaaa
RubyChao: c'mon, at least make it intentionally ridiculous
Gooper Blooper: Every Time Batman Demonetized Someone
Mosey Sheep: Every time Batman sent someone into the long dark night
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Jumpropeman: "Boorp's Balls is a skill game. You help Boorp to defend against Meck, who throws colored balls at him."
Jumpropeman: this is like an AI generated game
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Jumpropeman: No pressure but what's your favorite sega console
RubyChao: Genesis
Jumpropeman: you will be spared
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He remembered. Of course he remembered. Remembering was what kept him going. It reminded him what he was fighting for, what he was trying to do. It made the voices grow weak and distant. It gave brief, fleeting moments of clarity to his mind. It was all he had, and getting it back was his life's mission.
He remembered 1994. The beginning. A clean storefront, a bright future, big plans. A row of finely polished automobiles, gleaming under the lights of the showroom. Walls of auto parts and car care products. Tires, windshield wipers, car batteries, fuses, gas caps, rear-view-mirrors, snow brushes, squeegees. Air fresheners shaped like pine trees. The stench of fresh rubber and plastic. It was all very American, which seemed odd on the surface, as the mall they were set up in was located in Mongolia, but the area was under heavy development from an international crowd. One day, the executives in charge of the project had said, this city would fly. And a flying city would be a worldwide envy, a mecca for tourism and spectacle. They'd been smart to come here, he knew. This was where the money would be made, by far-thinking businessfolk with a keen eye for the future and the promise of the technology in development.
He'd worked hard to get the business off the ground. It hadn't been easy, but he knew that hard work equaled great rewards. If you just put in the effort, you would earn yourself a return on investment that was worth the elbow grease you contributed to the cause. So he worked hard. He was in every advertisement, on every poster, all over the show floor. His gleaming smile and clever quips caught the eye of the locals, and slowly but surely Big Shot Autos began to build up steam.
He remembered 1997. The big time. His favorite year. Business was booming, and what was once a small outlet in the mall was now turning to grander plans. In the works was the impending launch of a new website. Big Shot Autos would harness the power of the information superhighway, and he was there every step of the way once again. He adorned pop-ups and banner ads, letting his personality and charm do the work for him. Promotional items with his grinning face were produced by the thousand. Investors were eager to dump money on this humble little mall tenant as they promised incredible things with the power of technology. He was on top of the world, and the view was dizzying.
Bree: hi jrm
Jumpropeman: hi bree!
Bree: ooh, I get an exclamation point
RubyChao: treasure it
Jumpropeman: I'm in a good mood today
Jumpropeman: I know I'm usually a dour grump so savor it
Jumpropeman: I won't be rapping anyone's knuckles with my ruler tonight
Harpy: oh nooo
Jumpropeman: I know you were looking forward to it Harpy
Jumpropeman: you'll need someone else to rap with Knuckles
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Harpy:
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Bree: bree status: pizza guy knocked like three times in the span of ten seconds so I hurried getting up, put my slippers on the wrong feet, and fell on the way to the door
Harpy: noooooooooooooooOOOOO
Jumpropeman: dang
Bree: 👍
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Harpy: so this is businessplot next year right-
Jumpropeman: evil Kogasa makes BrEAd
RubyChao: that image would kill Honoka
Harpy: this is how we take down EA
Harpy: right in the bread store
Moss Sheep: It'd kill her with a gluten-free baguette.
Harpy: i don't think the fact that its gluten free would kill her
Harpy: this loaf is blocked behind DLC
